EP 389 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 389, Story On By Chief

Yoda I am. Backwards speak I do. Very green is Yoda; yes, can confirm, me is Cookie Monster-- oh, sorry, Yoda mean to say I am Yoda. Yoda fan of Sesame Street. Currently Yoda be on Anakin home planet. Yoda do be vibing though. Yoda have lightsaber of color which is
 not blue. Yoda will need that later."


"I'm just going to assume you're referring to your own lightsaber," said Leia, "and not the one from Star Wars?"

You say, "Bitch, your mother is."
 You get it right back at her by saying, "Your father has a dick like a rhinoceros's horn!" And then they go and kill each other!

You say, "threatening my father's penis isn't, mmmmmmmmm"
 -- this is what we call a 'tongue-twister,' because when you try to talk with your mouth full, your tongue gets all tangled up in itself, and you end up sounding
 like an idiot who hasn't learned how to use his words yet.

You begin to channel the force and chant, "AIPD I love. Jason good host. Bucket ah my. Jim lionheart."
 Your voice sounds like someone stuck their fingers down your throat and pulled out your vocal cords, and now you sound like Darth Vader with laryngitis. This is called 'vocal fry.'

You use your new deep voice to become a radio personality. You host a show called "Yoda talk with you".
 It's basically your life story told through song lyrics.

You say, "800 years I have listened, first time caller am I" and then sing a verse of lyrics over the phone:
 "I was born, I had no parents, I got a haircut..."
The next day, everyone finds out about your weird voice and calls you names.

Yeah read a list of insults that the radio station has printed out for you:

Gobble Gobble, Fooka Foo, Grombo Grok, Stinky Sniffy, Puke Face, Bile Bag, Chortle Chatter, Shith
ole, Vomit Voice, Cretinous Crone, Clotted Cloaca, Skreekie Skankie, Gurgling Gulper, Warty Whiner, Spewer,
 Turd Blossom, Slop Mouth, Mucus Mouth, Drooling Dork, Glottal Gnome, Rasping Rejector, Fatty Flaccid, Gargoyle Gr

You stop reading the list and begin to cry.  Then you leave the recording booth and realize you read all the names live on the air.
 Everyone knows where you are now. They come after you.
You run away.
They find you in an alleyway near the studio. You're still crying.

You say, "alone me leave mmmmmmmmmmmm".
 You walk off into the night, never looking back.
That's why we're here today. We've been following you since the moment you left the studio building.

You realize that Netflix has been following you around with a camera crew trying to film an expose about your life called:
 "My Life as Yoda", but you can't let them know you're aware of it, or they'll just follow you forever.

You play like you cant see them and go to the cantina to drown your sorrows. you walk in to see the televisions playing your clip of listing insults on air.
 The bartender says, "You look like a piece of shit."
"Thanks," you say, and take a seat.
You order a drink, and the bartender brings you one.

You try to ignore everyone staring at you and just enjoy your drink.  You notice a female alien staring at you at the end of the bar.
 She looks like a human woman in her early 20's. Her hair is a dark red color, her eyes a greenish-brown.
She smiles at you, and you smile back.

You order her a drink and begin to chit chat with her.
 You ask her what planet she's from, and you learn that her name is Jaina.

You ask Jaina if she wants to go back to your swamp with you.

Jaina is stunned.
You say, "Well, you do have a nice ass. And you're a good listener. And you seem to be a pretty cool chick.

Jaina replies, "
You want to fuck?"
You say, "No, no. Just a little fun. You know how we humans like to get together and talk about our feelings sometimes.

Jaina calls you a turd blossom and leaves.
 You finish your drink.
You go back to your apartment, and you decide to start working out again to burn some more calories.

After an exhausting 6 minute workout, you treat yourself to a pint of Ben & Jorlox Ice Cream.

The next morning, you wake up to a knock on your door. You open the door, and a large man is standing there.
He asks, "Are you Jason?
 Are you a Yoda fan?"
You say, "Yes."
He pulls out his phone and shows you pictures.

You see a 4chan thread with photoshops of you with a huge penis.

You say, "Oh my god, no! I'm not a pervert!"
The guy laughs. He hands you a flyer for the "Yoda talk" show.

The moral of the story:
 Never trust anyone over 30.
This is an actual true story. I have no idea where this happened. But it's something that happened to me, so it must be real.