EP 388 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 388, Story On By Chief

You are Cletus Yang, Redneck Ninja. You're attending a martial arts tournament being held in a mystical five tiered pagoda. When you arrive you see your rival Rising Zan, Samurai Gunman who's also competing in the tournament
. The two of you challenge each other to fight and draw lots for first blood.
"Your lot is red," says Cletus. "I'll take white."

"My lot is white," replies Rising Zan.
The two men rush at one another with drawn swords and begin their deadly duel. After many bouts they have both fallen dead from exhaustion.

Your opponent for your next bout is
 Ip Man, White Tiger Swordmaster. He has been practicing his kung fu all night so that he can defeat you without using any weapons.

Ip man arms himself with a crate full of expires pop tarts from the year 1965 and you put on Jason's ninja clothes which are drenched in butter.
 Your opponent this time will be Bruce Lee, Black Dragon Kung Fu Master. Both of you charge at one another armed only with empty pop-tart boxes.

You unleash your 1000 paper cut attack!
 You've got him! But suddenly Bruce leaps into the air, kicks your head off, then grabs the top of your skull and pulls it through the floorboards as if he were pulling out an ear

Just as Bruce slams your head into the ground, a puff of smoke reveals that you were a duplicate and attack Bruce from behind with a deadly cardboard jab to the balls.

Now comes the final round against Jet Li, Flying Fist Warrior. You hear that Jet Li had gone to bed early after eating too much candy.

You yell, "omae wa mou shindeiru"
 (Candy makes me sleepy).
Jet Li immediately jumps up onto the roof of the pagoda and starts to jump rope until he faints from lack of oxygen.

You chase after Jet Li as he falls from the roof, but his body is not where it should have landed.
 It's floating above the city instead. So you fly up after him and catch hold of his foot just before he lands in the middle of town.

You charge your spirit bomb agonizingly slowly.
 Just when he realizes what you intend, you pull the trigger. There is a blinding flash and a great explosion.

You challenge Jet to the ultimate test of skill, ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!

He agrees, saying, "Let us play rock paper scissors!"
They shake hands and go over to a large boulder near by. They sit down facing each other across its base.

After several minutes of silence, Jet Li drops his hand and says: "It looks like we're going to lose."
You say nothing but look very angry.

You throw ROCK into his eyes.
 He cries out and rubs them vigorously. Then you drop PAPER right between his legs. He squirms around trying to get away from it.

Then you pull out SCISSORS and
 stab them into his stomach. He gasps for breath and begins to foam at the mouth. His face turns purple and he collapses unconscious.

You are awarded with the tournament trophy:
 The Golden Pillow.
A few days later Cletus Yang came back to life. He said to Ip Man, "I want my revenge."

The moral of the story:
 If you see someone falling asleep while playing rock paper scissors, don't let them win!
* * *
In ancient times there was a certain king who ruled over a vast kingdom.