EP 387 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 387, Story On By Chief

You are a Balkan cross adder. You are feeling like you can't focus much, so one day, you go to the Snake Pharmacy. You ask for some Adderall to cope with your Head-snake. Along the way to your destination (the jungle) you see a sports car. You look at the windshield, and you see two Windshield Vipers. Because you are a Cross adder, you feel quite... angry... at this sight.
How do you solve your problems?

What do you think of the following solutions:
1.) Kill both snakes, or at least hurt them bad enough that they don't bother you anymore. 2.) Run away from the scene.

You grow legs and run away.
 The Snakes chase after you. They follow you all the way into the Jungle. When you finally stop running, you have found yourself in a small clearing, surrounded by trees.

You look for something to be of help to you and see Jason and Jim's clothes.
 "I'm sorry I ran off," you say as you take their pants and put it on. It is not comfortable but you need help now more than ever.

While running through the jungle, you run into Duke Nukem.
 He offers his assistance.
"Hi there! My name is Duke Nukem!" he says cheerfully. "Why hello there little lady."

You show off your new tight pants and sexy legs to Duke Nukem.

"Oh my god girl, those are perfect! You know what? I've got an idea!" Duke says excitedly.
He grabs you and throws you over his shoulder.

Duke takes you to his Jungle Fortress.
 There is no door, just a giant hole in the wall.
Inside you find the most amazing room you've ever seen.

You look around the room and see
 lots of guns and ammo lying everywhere. A lot of weapons hanging on walls and shelves. But the strangest thing about the room is that everything looks like its made out of candy.

You try to eat some candy bullets.
 Your mouth waters because they taste good. And then you realize, these aren't real bullets. These are Candy Bullets. They dissolve when you bite down on them.

You ask Duke, "Why do you have all this candy?"

"Well, this place was built by me and my friends. We're gonna build a city here soon. This will be our base of operations."

You try to ask again, "But why candy?"

"Because we love candy, silly. That's how we roll."
Duke picks up a gun and shows you how it works.
It has a handle with two buttons on top.

Duke aims at a target on the wall, it is a picture of world renowned actor
 Kevin Spacey. He presses one button.
A laser beam comes out of the barrel and hits the photo, melting it.
The other button makes a sound effect. Like a loud explosion.

The laser beams gets the attention of some nefarious jungle creatures.  Giant apes storm the Jungle Fortress and take you hostage.

You hear a voice coming from somewhere inside the fortress. It sounds like a woman talking. She tells you she wants to play with your body.

You look up to see that the voices is none other than
 Jennifer Love Hewitt.
She is sitting on a throne in the center of the room.

The moral of the story:
 Sometimes, you get stuck in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dangerous animals. You can use your head or your legs to escape from danger. Either way, you will survive.