EP 387 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 387, Story On By Chief

You are David Yee. Despite your best efforts, you only managed to save small money at Menards. You are a horrible failure! The next day, you are fired from your job and your family and friends disown you. Now alone and destitute, you must find a way to redeem yourself!

"It's not like I have much of an option," says the man in front of me. "I'm out of options." He looks over his shoulder.

You notice a red button that says "Don't Press" in white letters.  You press it.
 A door opens up into what appears to be a large room with several other men sitting on benches or standing by their own computers.

You say, "I can't even afford toilet paper, so I've just been pooping my pants."

The first guy turns around and asks, "Why did you do that?"
"Well... because..."

He cuts you off: "What is this? What's going on here?!"
One of the guys in the back says, "Hey, Davey boy!"

You recognize him as
 one of the people who worked for you before. His name was Joe. And he was pretty rude.
Joe continues, "How'd ya get here?"
"Uh, well..."

Rude Joe interrupts you and says, "Pressed the red button, didn't ya?"

A few others laugh at that, but then Rude Joe gets serious again and says, "This isn't funny, buddy.
 We're gonna help you turn things around if we gotta kick down doors and shit. So yer gonna tell us how to fix this problem now."
"Oh, uh... okay.

You come up with 3 solutions to their problems:
 Sell your car. It doesn't run very good anymore anyway.
2. Get a new job working at Home Depot or Lowe's.
 Your boss said they'll hire anyone who has experience there.
3. Ask your parents to pay some bills. They owe you $5,000 right now.

Rude Joe laughs and makes a rude comment:
 "Ha ha! That last idea ain't gonna work. Ya know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because your momma got cancer and died yesterday."

You slap Rude Joe across the face.
 Then you leave the group. You feel better than ever.
Your dad works for a company called H&H Plumbing & Heating. You go talk to them about getting a job there.

You are asked the following questions at the job interview:

Q: Do you want a raise?
A: Yes.
Q: Would you rather be paid hourly instead of salaried?
A: No.
 Salaried sounds great.
Q: How many hours would you like per week?
A: 40 hours.
Q: Are you willing to start today?
A: Sure.

Your Dad reluctantly hires you and you go on your first plumbing job.
 The next day, you are sent out to service a leak under someone's sink. As you walk through the house, you see that every single thing is covered in mold.

You ask, "How long have you had this leak maam?"

She answers, "Since I moved in almost 2 years ago."
You say, "Ma'am, can you please show me where it's leaking from?"

She points to the leak:
 "It's coming out of that pipe over there."
You say, "That's impossible. This is brand new drywall. I can't believe this is happening.

Your eyes deceived you and what you thought was brand new drywall was extremely toxic mold.
 After cleaning up the mess, you return home.
You call your father and tell him, "I quit. I don't need this kind of crap."

Your father is disappointed, but not surprised.  You go home dejected and start to have an uncontrollable coughing fit.
After you recover, you realize you forgot something important.
What did you forget?
You look up at the clock on the wall. It's 12:30pm.

Then you remember:
 you were supposed to meet your girlfriend at 1:00pm.
You rush into the bathroom and take off all of your clothes.
What do you do with these?

You take them to the driveway and set them on fire.  You rush to meet your girlfriend at the Olive Garden.

When you get there, she is already seated, looking beautiful, wearing an olive green dress, with her h
air done up. She's holding a glass of wine.

You sit down and kiss her on the cheek, but she is mortified: you are completely naked.

What do you tell your girlfriend?
You apologize and explain, "I'm sorry, my car broke down. Can you still go to dinner?"

The moral of the story:
 "Don't lie to people. They'll find out eventually and then they will hate you forever."