EP 386 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 386, Story On By Chief

You are Conan the Contrarian, a beefy warrior that can't resist an argument, no matter how pointless.
 You love to argue and debate with anyone who will listen. If someone doesn't agree with you, they're either stupid or wrong.

You approach the village square and exclaim, "AIPD is the best Twitch show ever and no one can make me feel otherwise!"

"I think I'm going to like this place," says your companion as he watches the villagers go about their business.


The villagers look at each other in confusion before returning to whatever it was they were doing. A man in his thirties approaches you from behind.

The man is a challenger and disagrees with everything you have just said.
 He asks, "What's so great about AIPD?"
You turn around, ready for another round of insults. Instead, you see the man has tears streaming down his face.

Your companion hands you a katana that has three extra modes: One mode makes the katana turn into a lightsaber, one mode makes the katana turn into a shotgun, and one mode makes the katana turn into a motorcycle; the Katanacycle's wheels are made of thin sharp metal. Don't cut yourself. The katana has a secret fourth mode, which makes it turn into a Inflatable Arm Flailing Condom Man.

This is your first time being on a quest. Your goal is to get through five challenges. Each challenge gives you one point. To reach level 1, you need 20 points.

You immediately abandon your quest when you Breastica, barbarian princess from the Debate Club Empire, leave the local tavern.
 She seems to be having fun, but her lack of manners is causing people to avoid her. Her party members seem to be enjoying themselves though. They've been drinking heavily since she left.

You approach Breastica.
 You say, "Hey! What's up? Where'd you go?"
Breastica says, "Oh, sorry! I had too much wine."

You take advantage of Breastica's enfeebled situation and challenge her to a debate "Amazonian society would never be able to prosper!"

Breastica replies, "That's what my father always told me!"
After Breastica leaves, you ask your companions if they want to continue the quest.

You are confused as anti-feminist statements always enrage Breastica into a debate.  You follow her back to the Inn and notice she is crying.  You attempt to console her.

"It's not fair," she cries.
"How come?" you ask.
"Because everyone hates me because of my looks," she explains.

You say "NO, you have beatifully broad shoulders, and such a prominent brow and chin line!"

She screams, "I'm ugly!"
You try to calm her down. "Don't worry," you say.

You say, "Actually, they hate you because
 you're an Amazonian Princess."
"But I'm beautiful," she protests.
"No, no, they don't like you because you are a woman. It is sexist."

You tell Breastica, "I'm an ally to woman!"

She yells, "My father used to call me 'the little miss.'"
You say, "Well, maybe you can change their minds by challenging them to a debate.

You organize a mass debate featuring Beastica in the center of town.  Tons of men show up very horny and very confused.
 Some even bring women they have cheated on. They all watch as the Amazons prepare for battle.
The crowd is silent as the two groups stare each other down.

You yell "crush the matriarchy!"

Breastica says, "If you insist, then let us begin the match with the deathblow strike!"
The crowd gasps as the warriors start fighting each other.

The fight goes on for many months and both sides lose many in battle.
 But finally, the last warrior standing is a young man named Dagon. He has a beard, he has long hair, and his eyes have a faraway look.

Breastica becomes aroused.
 She grabs the man's hand and says, "We have defeated the Matriarchy. Now it is time for the wedding ceremony."

The moral of the story:
 Women should keep quiet and stay out of the way.
You enter the village square.