EP 386 – Story #1

You are Sketchy Steve, a serial bank robber operating in the Seattle area. During your latest heist, no one tries to stop you because it is too damn hot. Suddenly, you start feeling lethargic as well!
 Your skin starts drying out and cracking all over your body. The sun seems to be beating down on you more than usual, but you can't figure out why that would cause this effect.

You drive to your dermatologist's office.
 "Doctor," you say with an uncomfortable smile, "I've been noticing some changes lately."
"Oh? What kind of changes?" she asks.

Just as you take off your shirt to show the doctor your dry scaly skin, Detective Dick Dynamite bursts into the the examination room.
 He has his gun drawn and pointed at your face.
"What do we have here?!" he says loudly.
The doc looks up from her clipboard and frowns.

You poop in your pants.

Dynamite grins evilly. "It's time for you to pay for what you did!"
He fires three times.

You see that Dick has killed... the blood pressure testing machine.
 Then you hear him laughing hysterically. A second later, he stops laughing abruptly, then falls dead. His head bounces across the floor before landing next to the corpse of the doctor.

You realize you must be a wereodile, and you have transformed and killed Dick and the doctor in your rage.
 As you stand there naked and confused, a woman enters the exam room. She sees you and screams. Her scream echoes through the building. It sounds like someone being tortured. That makes sense;
 you're not exactly human anymore either.
She runs away screaming, leaving behind a trail of bloody footprints. They lead outside where you find yourself surrounded by police cars.

You tell the police officers, "have you hear dof this guy who likes Butter but only from the Cinema? his name is Jason Birthday Hater."

They ask if they should call a psychiatrist or something. You say, "No! I'm fine now. Just let me go home."

You go home and count the money from your bank heist.
 There was $50,000 in cash, plus a bunch of coins. After counting them again, you realize that the coins add up to $2 million dollars worth of gold bullion.

You go to the pawn shop and are unaware that you are on an episode of Pawn Stars.  Chum Lee bites the coins to test if they are real.
 All four of them are genuine. He gives you $5,500 for the lot.
You decide to spend your newfound wealth on a trip to Vegas so you can gamble on slot machines.

As you leave the pawn shop you pass someone trying to sell a replica of the moon.

A man named Frank calls out to you. "Hey Sketchy Steve!"
Frank wears a white lab coat with lots of pockets. He carries around a briefcase full of tools and gadgets.

Frank offers to sell you a cream that will cure your scaly skin.
 When he presses it against your arm, you feel a tingling sensation. The itching goes away almost instantly.
"Wow," you say. "This stuff really works!"

Hair begins to grow out of your arm.
 Soon you have long flowing locks covering your body. Your face becomes smooth and beautiful.
"How much?" you ask.

Franks says, "$5500".

"Deal!" you exclaim happily.
When you get back to Seattle, you visit your old girlfriend Tina. You tell her about the new job offer from Frank.

The moral of the story:
 Don't piss off sketchy people.
Your life flashes before your eyes.
And so does my dick.
You awake on your bed with your head pounding. You rub your forehead.