EP 385 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 385, Story On By Chief

You are a superhero that can shoot tentacles from your crotch region. Your other unheard-of power, which has literally never been gained before, is the very UNORTHODOX ability to be capable of shooting out a tentacle from anywhere on your body! You have no idea how this happened and you don't care. All you know is that it's awesome!
You patrol you neighborhood and see a crime taking place at a Chick Fil A: a man with a gun robbing the restaurant.
You shoot out a crotch tentacle and snatch his gun away! "Freeze!" He yells as he falls to the ground. "I surrender," he says as he hands over his weapon. "Oh my god," he moans in pain.
You slap the man once more with a crotch tentacle and he releases a torrent a turds on the restaurant floor. The crowd screams and runs for cover as you look around to find some way to escape.
"My apologies," you say to the people who were just watching the robbery take place.
The manager of the store approaches you and says, "I'm gonna sue you!"
What do you do?
A: Use your superpower to fly away like Superman or Spiderman would.
B: Shoot him down with an electrified lasso.
You choose B.
Instantly there is a flash of light and a crackling sound. Before you can react, a giant electric shockwave hits you knocking you back against the wall.
It turns out that the manager was secretly Electro in disguise. As soon as you used your superpowers, he had them neutralized by using electricity. After recovering from being electrocuted, he grabs hold of you and lifts you up into the air.
You panic and do the one thing you know to get you out of sticky situations: you lean in for a kiss.
He pulls back and laughs evilly. "Not going to happen."
"Why not?" you ask confusedly.
You pull the manager in closer with a tentacle and kiss him hard. He responds instantly by grabbing hold of your head and pulling you into a deep tongue filled french kiss. His hand reaches under your skirt and begins groping your ass through your pants.
You see that everyone in the restaurant is starring at you.  An old woman eating chicken sandwiches with her grandson says, "Get a room!" while pointing at you and the manager. Her son looks shocked but then he starts laughing so she doesn't pay attention anymore.
You give the kid a high five with your tentacle crotch.
"That's what I call getting lucky," he exclaims excitedly.
"Yeah," you agree, still stunned about how easily the manager turned you.
Your phone rings.
It is the mayor: "Quick The Crotch we need you and your tentacles to save the city!  We are under attack from aliens!"
"No problemo!" You yell back.
As you run off to help the mayor fight off the alien invaders, you feel a tug on your pant leg.
You look down and see that it is the little boy again.
"Hey," he asks timidly.
"Whatcha doing here?"
"Well... I saw you kissing the guy and..."
"And what?"
"And I wanted to come watch you fight those aliens too."
"Are you sure this isn't weird for you?" You ask worriedly.
"Nah," he says confidently.
You make the little boy your Superhero Sidekick and give him the name: The Kid Tentacles.
The two of you rush to the scene of the battle between the aliens and the humans.
The kid tries to fight an alien by himself and gets annihilated. But you have no time to worry because you have to defeat the leader of the invading army, which has taken over the body of Electro!
"Who's the strongest man alive?!"
You pull out your ID which reveals your birth name, Ralph Bohner.
"Ralph! This is no time to be thinking of yourself! Focus on defeating the evil Electro!"
"But you're much stronger than me," you protest.
You realize you are talking with your crotch tentacle, who says "but I'm you, and I'm strong, so you're strong!"
"Shut up," you say as you charge towards Electro.
Electro has already defeated all of the other superheroes, including Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Spiderman.
Electro shocks you and makes your tentacle surge with electric power.
"Aaaaaargh," you moan as your body is electrocuted and knocked unconscious. The evil Electro laughs evilly as he takes over your body!
Before Electro can finish taking over your body, you lean in for a kiss and short circuit his heart.
The electricity from your crotch tentacle powers down Electro and you and the Kid escape safely.
You return the dead kid to his grandmother. She thanks you profusely and hugs you tight. "Thank goodness that's over," she says happily.
"It was really exciting though!"
The moral of the story: you can never go home again, especially if your parents were a supervillain and an insane scientist who made you with superpowers in their basement lab.