EP 385 – Story #1

Posted under Episode 385, Story On By Chief

You are an Eevee, a Pokemon that can evolve into many different forms based on what crystal you are exposed to. One day, while digging through some trash, you accidentally ingest some crystal meth. You begin to transform into the form of a human girl named Caitlin. Your new body is beautiful and strong; your mind remains unchanged from when you were Eeveelutioned.
You are curious to explore the abilities of your new form so you go to the woods and look for a fight. After fighting a few trainers, you find one who seems interesting: a young man with a large backpack.
You challenge the young man to a DDDDDDDDDDuel for his backpack. The rules are simple: if he wins, he keeps it; if you win, you keep it. He accepts.
The battle begins, but soon enough, things start getting weird.
The trainer does something against the rules and throws a garbage can that's full of poop at you. It hits you in the face and splatters everywhere. Then another trainer comes out of nowhere and shoves you off-balance.
You notice it is Ash Ketchum, who is angry when people call him " Ketchup", and on a whim you decide to lean in for a kiss. This earns you a slap across the cheek. A third trainer appears behind you and kicks you hard in the head. They all surround you and begin beating you up.
"What do we want?"
"Crack!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"
"We demand justice! We demand retribution! And we demand our money back!"
Ash grabs your collar and pulls you away from the crowd as they continue shouting.
You explain your situation to Ash and tell him that you are just an evolved Eevee. That you don't know why these guys attacked you or why they won't let you leave.
He takes pity on you and decides to help.
But then Ash says, "I ain't your chum, buddy!"
Ash tells them that he doesn't care about their problems and walks off without giving you any more information. As he leaves, he turns around and shouts, "Hey, dumbass! I'm not even gonna give you CPR!"
You watch him walk away and say nothing else.
As time goes by, you get sicker and sicker.
You begin to realize that the white bag of powder Ash handed you was not drugs, but instead anthrax. In fact, the whole town has been contaminated with the deadly bacteria. All of the other trainers have gotten sick too. Soon everyone will die.
You take advantage and catch a few ghost type Pokemon. You use your special move, Shadow Ball, and send several of them flying. But before long, the trainers come after you again. You quickly lose and are sent hurtling towards the ground.
Your Haunter evolves into a Gengar and suddenly turns the tide of the fight in your favor.  You realize these goons work for Team Rocket.  As they run away, you chase them all the way back to Team Rocket HQ.
There, you confront Giovanni and demand answers. He laughs at you and sends you flying through the air. When you hit the floor, you land directly onto your face.
Giovanni's floor is made of flamestone, and you evolve into a Flareon. Your flames are so hot that you burn right through the stone floor.
Giovanni uses his ultimate attack and burns you alive. Before you can scream, you are dead.
Your corpse releases all the anthrax you had snorted earlier killing Giovanni. Everyone in the room dies.
You wake up in a hospital bed and see Ash Ketchum standing over you with a worried look on his face.
Ash taps your head and says "its Ok, it wasn't nuzlocke"
You look up at Ash and ask, "what? Nuzlocke?"
Ash hands you a fucking machine-gun that shoots tiny flashing pokeballs. The pokeballs open automatically when they're shot from the gun, and the open side of the pokeball always lands on the head of a target and says, " Nuzlocke."
"NuZ-lok-ee," Ash corrects you.
You look at Ash with a confused expression on your face. Ash looks at you like you just asked a question.
The moral of the story: Don't do crystal meth.
It's a good thing that the pokemon league is still strong and that there's a lot of new trainers coming out every year.