EP 383 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 383, Story On By Chief

You are Carrot Cop, a police officer that uses a bag of props to fight crime. You are hot on the trail of Chris Pratfall, a handsome serial killer that dresses like a clown. You have no choice but to stop him or risk losing your job. And since you know he's coming for you, you need to find something else to stop him with.
You grab your bag of magic tricks in your patrol car and race out into traffic after the suspect.
You can't quite catch up to him, so you pull out of your prop bag a new one that'll work even better than normal:
Magic Gloves! (Medium-to-Long Range)
You punch someone from 10 meters away as though they were an inch away.
You get as close as you can to the clown and use your magic glove to punch him repeatedly in the head.  His car crashes into a road sign.  He goes flying out of his vehicle and collapses to the ground where you left him... only now he has six stitches across his forehead and a massive black eye.
You grab him by the collar and interrogate him until he confesses.
"Who hired you?"
"A woman named Sorella."
"Where'd she send you?"
"The top floor of a building downtown."
You grab Chris's bag, which is full of poop, and dump it on him.
"I thought I told you not to go there," you say.
"That was before you came!" he says.
You say, "Sorella is the name of my Estranged Mother who left for Cigarettes 15 years ago!"
Chris looks confused.
You give Chris the address of Sorella's apartment in the penthouse of this high-rise and tell him to meet you there in two hours.
For some reason he does this without question.  You meet him there and knock on the door.  It opens and you finally reunite with your dear sweet mother Sorella.
She hugs you tight and cries, "Carrot Cop!  How wonderful to see you again!"
And then your real mother tries to kill you.
You wake up in a small room strapped to a chair and are forced to watch the police commissioner take her hat off.
Your wife and son are both dead.  Your father has abandoned you.
You turn to see Chris Pratfall also tied to chair and beaten up.  You demand to know why Sorella is doing this!  She replies that she's trying to make sure you never escape because you've got a death wish.
You ask if you can have a gun.  Sorella replies, "Sure.
You grab your gun, a prop from your comedy act, and try to come up with the best comedy pun you can think of: "How about a gun?  (Punny)
Chris says,"Now that's what I'm talking about!"
You start shooting but stop when you hear Chris laughing.
You notice that when you shoot the gun bullets do not come out, but instead it is filled with ice cubes which slowly melt away and drip on Chris's face.
You say:"Hey, that wasn't funny!"and fire another round.
More ice cubes fall out as you drop the prop gun and begin to cry.  You try to do the hardest thing you've ever had to do: try to come up with an original joke without using props.  You wrack your brain, but eventually come up with a joke:
What do you call a man in a cop uniform with no gun?  A clown.  What did the kid say at dinner last night?  That the dog ate my homework.
You put on your magic gloves and begin punching indiscriminately.  Eventually someone calls the cops on you.  You punch them back but they're wearing riot gear.
After you get arrested, your father shows up to bail you out.
You are excited until you notice that it is not your birth father but instead your step dad Pauly.  He asks you how many children you have, and then says,"I can't pay for any more."
You see him turn his head and yell,"Your mother!"
You ask Pauly to take you to get some cheeseburgers.  As you walk down the street you realize that everyone is ignoring you and pointing at you.  Finally a police officer stops you and tells you to go home before your mom has a heart attack.
You head back home with Pauly and see your step mom on the couch watching TV.  Your step mom looks just like your real mom except she has red hair.
The moral of the story: If you want to be ignored by society and your parents, grow up to be a comedian!