EP 382 – Story #3

You are Jiminy Cricket, a talking cricket. After helping Pinocchio with his whole thing, you have decided to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. Boot Camp starts today! Follow me through all the training exercises so that we can get an officer's commission together. The drill instructors will make us tough as they can, but we'll be tougher still because we're Marines.
Right off the bat, you get on the drill instructor's bad side. He gives you extra push-ups, for no reason other than he thinks it'll toughen you up.
You do the push ups from your knees to make them easier and this infuriates the drill instructor even more. When he gets mad enough at you, he orders the rest of the men to drop their rucksacks and line up.
You give the diarrhea for the drill instructor. All day long.
A few days later, a very scary lieutenant colonel takes your blood sample and you are found unfit for service by a medical examiner who has never seen anything like it before.
You get the test results and the medical examiners tells you that you have a glandular problem and cannot serve in the military. You say nothing and just take the test results back to boot camp.
You hide your diagnosis from the drill instructor. You know it's going to cause him trouble.
A scientist sees you are pure of heart. He overrides your dismissal and clears your for the super soldier program. He informs your doctor, who approves your application and clears you for all the physicals, including the mental evaluation. You start training immediately, and after three weeks, you join the Marines.
You are sent to the jungles of Burma, where your mission is to locate Colonel Jack Sparrow. He was last heard from there, so you go find him!
You meet with the local tribesmen.
You carry in your wallet a picture of you and Tony joining the war in Sweden. The local chief says,'He looks like our father.'You discover that the people here worship Robin Hood as a god, although they don't quite understand what he did to deserve such veneration.
You start to feel a rumble in your stomach and then you realize the super solider serum has an undesirable side effect: you are pregnant and about to give birth to a litter of little super soliders.
Your sergeant gives you some advice:'The best way I can think of to deal with this is to let them run wild, because at least you'll be able to pick out one that's yours
You tell your babies, "Watch my 6," then you continue your mission to find Jack Sparrow. You follow him around until you find his boat in the jungle and get aboard.
You decide to keep the baby and look for your dad.
You wait until nightfall to board the ship. When the crew sees you, they open fire on you. You land near the pirate base and are immediately surrounded by men carrying swords, bows, and crossbows.
You swallow a secret pill you have hidden in one of your teeth and level up and gain the follow super solider cricket dad powers:

• +1 to your stats
• Increased agility (max level)
• Improved sprinting speed (max level)
• Your max HP has increased by 40 percent of its current amount
You are taken prisoner and presented to Johnny Depp.
He says,'I know what you're thinking. You want me to set you free. Well, why don't we make a deal?''What kind of a deal?'you ask.'You come with us and I'll leave you behind.'
'Really?' you say.
You notice Johnny Depp is blinking a lot and looks very nervous.  You look into the trees and see why: Amber Heard is standing there staring at you.
You turn back to Johnny Depp and say, 'Yes.' And you mean it, too.
Your life as Jiminy Cricket ends here.
The moral of the story: Never trust an actor whose movies are playing somewhere in your home.