EP 381 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 381, Story On By Chief

You are Brenda (@BigBrenda69), a 23 year old Twitter user with over 500 followers! You have just finished #PoopingAtWork when a #baboon bursts into the bathroom! Talk about #unexpected! It was so unexpected that you drop your phone on the floor and forget to get it back up before leaving for the day!
You return to the bathroom, armed with expired baboon repellant. This baboon, however, isn't afraid of anything, including this repellant. Instead, he looks at you as if asking why you had to go and do something like that in here.
The baboon shows you a picture someone took that shows Cory stealing your phone. You realize Cory is the one who wrote this tweet.
You rush home to your computer with baboon in tow and message Cory. The message says:
Hey Cory! Why did you steal my phone?
Cory responds within seconds:
I stole it because I was bored! And you weren't there!
You want to get more followers so you invent the "boiling water bucket challenge" to raise awareness for burn victims. But how can you compete against a man whose entire body has been cooked down to his feet? You think to yourself... maybe I should try to give him brain damage instead of burns.
You brutally beat the man in the head with the boiling water bucket. Unfortunately, the victim's wife, Beth, happened to be in the house at the time and saw everything unfold.
you know what you have to do, Beth is next. She knows what you did to Cory's father and is coming for you. You're not going anywhere without an audience... but you know exactly where you need to go for help.
You rush to the zoo and make baboon calls.  The baboon exits the bathroom and walks over to you. You hand him a rope from a #babooncage and say, "Baboon, you need to put this around your neck."
The baboon shakes his head and shows you a diagram of his plan to help you get rid of Beth.  It is written in shit.
Beth catches up with you outside the cage, demanding your life. You've heard all about her temper tantrums and now it's finally coming true!
You unleash the baboons upon Beth. They attack Beth until she screams for mercy. Everyone sees what happened and comes to your aid. The police arrive shortly thereafter and arrest you on the spot.
The baboons testify against you in exchange for immunity. You receive two years probation and must pay restitution to Cory.  You spend the rest of your sentence taking college courses online, working as a janitor, and tweeting.
You write the best tweet of your life:
When I look back at this moment in my life, I will think of it fondly, remembering how far I've come and how much better my situation would have been if only I had tried.
The moral of the story: Don't steal phones.

#boilingwaterbucketchallenge is trending worldwide.