EP 380 – Story #3

Posted under Episode 380, Story On By Chief

You are Shreek, a Orge who is a Slightly Darker shade of Green to your Way more famous Distant Cousin Shrek, who is married to Princess Fiona. You don't want to be part of The Royal Family of the Kingdom, you just want to live your life as a bachelor who works as a Swamp House Estate Agent. But the King of Far Far Away is so keen to bring Far Far Away into the light that he has asked King Pilar of Hoolar to marry his daughter, Princess Mola, to your older cousin and he wants you to perform this wedding, so you are about to embark upon a quest
You tell King Pilar, "You know what? I'm gonna poop my pants!"
You get up and you walk towards the door, but suddenly you realize: "Wait! Oh shit! I've only gone and changed into my work clothes!"
You pull on the trousers and run back to change into your nice new outfit but:
"Crap!" you say.
You don't know what to do, so you go to your best friend's house, a horse named Donkey who helps you, even though you don't like him as much as you do your wife, and he tells you you've got to tell the King the truth.
You remember the wise words of your wife about telling the truth: "The longer I told the truth the longer I had to wait until I was an old wrinkled lady."
You walk back into the hall and face your King.
You decide to spill your guts and tell the King everything. When you've finished, his reaction is a bit disappointing: "Oh. Well I'm not quite as bothered as I thought I was," says he. "You know what?" he then tells you. "I like the beard on my sons, I can live with it."
You realize that King Pilar doesn't have a son.  He has been talking to a potted plant for 23 years.  You are no doctor, but you can clearly see the King has dementia.  You have a lot of free time to yourself now, so you just go away and lick your wounds and you hope your cousin's happiness can still be saved.
A day or two later you hear from him via a letter.  He wants you to help out his daughter at her wedding.
"Oh shit!" You say to yourself as you rush out the door to ordain the wedding that you totally forgot about.
Your cousin Mola is pretty, and her skin is ♥flawless as a baby's bottom, but even more lovely is her soul.
You get drunk and confess your love for your cousin.  "Oops, I guess I just lost your heart.  I'm gonna do something that will totally ruin my marriage and probably kill any chance you ever have to get a boyfriend."
You slightly bend the knees as you deliver an ogre-sized turd onto the wedding stage.
"No!" you yell as you step into the puddle of faecal matter.
And then you notice it.  It smells like...

Oh shit

You immediately run towards the nearest exit.
You realize that your recent shit smells exactly like deadly poison so you run back towards the stage.
You see Mola is on the floor, and she is staring up at you like: "Oh shit!" And you both start to scream.
You decide to be the hero for once and save Mola's life.  Unfortunately everyone else died.
You then return to Hoolar as part of the peace-keeping mission.  When you arrive you see all the people you just helped kill each other.
"Oh dear," you sigh to yourself.  "It's like I'm cursed."
Then you realize it is no curse, you are just an asshole.  You take pity on your cousin so you allow her to marry her husband, who now has to carry his father's weight around his neck because he has been forced to adopt the weight of his new wife's tits.
A few months later your cousin marries your cousin.
You decide to get into politics and work your way up the political hierarchy.  You spitefully create a law creating a weight limit for tits that cousin is the only person to violate.  A few months pass and you become the Prime Minister.
The day of Princess Mola's first visit to Far Far Away arrives.
Princess Mola is arrested on the spot.  The police make a spectacle of it and drag her through the mud as everyone laughs.  You personally go to visit her in the prison.
You bring the princess a glass of water.  "I am going to change everything, Princess," you say before she swallows the entire contents of her water glass and asks to be turned into an old wrinkled lady so she never has to go to Far Far Away ever again.
You order her execution.  The guards carry out their duty, and when they finish, you are the only one crying.

You are back on Hoolar now because your best friend, Donkey, died and left you some money.
You look at the will of Donkey and he has left your the following items:
The crown;
A diamond;
The key;
And an old wrinkled lady

So you know the story now.  You are no more a King and you are certainly no longer a prime minister.
[The moral of this story] "If you're in ♠about whether it is the right thing to do, just eat the old wrinkled lady."
—Far Far Away
Aunt Lillian
I've never been happier to have a full bladder than when I was a kid.