EP 380 – Story #2

Posted under Episode 380, Story On By Chief

You are KyrilGrey. You're performing your second Stand-up Comedy routine. You blow into the microphone to clear the dust away. You prepare your first joke, your torn notebook ripped in the middle. You begin, "What do you call it... when a nurse is going through a phase?" You pause. A man farts from a corner. A woman smokes Weed-flavored Ice-cream. You tell the punchline after she exhales, "A Midwife crisis." You stop and applaud.

Lucky you, a young lady stands next to you to your right and asks, "What's a Midwife crisis?"

"You know the woman who fucks your baby for you?" She leans over and laughs with glee.
You attempt to get the audience back on your side and say, "What's the deal with airline food?"
"Do you think it's some kind of secret club? How about this for a twist-- the food gets eaten right out of your asshole by the chicken who's supposed to feed you dinner while you're asleep!
You panic and switch to prop comedy where you roll out a barrel full of poop and say, "There must be a lot of shit in there. And all the flies want me to make love to your ass.
The room goes silent.  You panic and dump the barrel onto the female heckler.
She screams,"This is a rape barrel!"

People rush to grab hold of this woman. A fight breaks out and punches are thrown by both sides. The young lady rushes the female heckler and grabs a fistful of her clothes. They roll on the floor pulling each other around by their hair until they're pulled apart.

Two Security Guards break up the fight and kick everyone out of the theater.
You take a look at the sign over the door:
The manager of the comedy club storms into the green room, he looks fuming mad.  You stare at him and eventually break the tension by saying, "I'll get em tomorrow night."
"That was horrible!" He says.
"How about some tips, it wasn't that bad."
"You know that this woman is suing you for a bunch of cash!"
"Well, what she got done was pretty good."
You return to the comedy club the next night and lookup to see on the marquee that your name has been replaced by "THE FEMALE HECKLER" in red. You go to your dressing room to gather some things and the theater manager is waiting in the room.  You hand over the clothes you were wearing and he pockets them.
You now have nothing... except the barrel.  You wear the barrel to cover your naked dejected body and you decide to watch and heckle the female heckler that caused you to have the worst set of your life.  A little drunk and you go onstage, a couple guys shout at you but you keep your voice down, and you wait for the first break in the monotone.
It comes after about three minutes. The crowd is dead.
You deliver a barrage of insults to the crowd:
Your mother had a Midwife Crisis
The chicken gets her eggs
The airline is so gay
You throw yourself out of your dress and yell at the stage, "All the other chicks are just laying down for a man and I ain't, but if I want to be with a guy
The three audience members stand up and cheer.  Then you go back on stage and continue.
You tell jokes, you're doing so well in the first row when a young lady comes up and asks, "Do I really smell like the food in the barrel?"
"No, I think I'm just pissed off."
You deliver the ultimate roast upon this lady:
You have a Midwife Crisis

When you get home you are surprised to find out your mom has been diagnosed with Cancer of the Esophagus
You have a baby, but he doesn't even look like you and he sucks like crazy.
And she's still getting fatter.
You decide to actively neglect your sucky child and play xbox until your mom yells at you, which is very difficult for her.  Her breathing gets a lot worse than normal.  But you can never tell her, you might get arrested.
The day your mom dies and buries your sucky kid you cry a ton.

The End.
[Give the moral of the story]

Your mother was in the emergency room at her OB/GYN clinic.  There's a long line behind you and you have to wait.  You're an OB/GYN nurse and you've got to find out what the problem is for everyone that comes into the ER.