Eins Heinz, heir to a ketchup fortune

Posted under Episode 136, Story On By Chief

Unlike your spoiled siblings, you really care about the ketchup business.

One day, actor Tom Hanks calls you and tells you he wants to endorse your ketchup. He wants to meet with you on a park bench in downtown Pittsburgh

. > You go to Pittsburgh You are an idiot. You should have stayed home. But then again, who would? You are going to Pittsburgh to see if you can convince Mr. Heinz that his product is worth more than $1 million. "I'm not sure I believe it," says Mr. Heinz as he sits down next to you.

You say "Dad, listen to me! Tom Hanks wants to be our spokesman. You are being obtuse!"

> You say "No way". "No way?" says Mr. Heinz. "What do you mean no way?"

You and Tom Hanks plot to overthrow your father as the CEO of Heinz Inc. Tom says he will sell his typewriter collection to raise money for the takeover.

"Tom, we're not doing this". "But Dad, we need the money!" "We don't need the money. We just want to talk to your dad".

You tell Tom Hanks your new plan "Tom, you have to find and wear your old Toostie costume and decide to seduce my father into giving you the Heinz fortune.".

Mr. Heinz looks at you. "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you soon!" and walks away. The next morning, you sit outside the door to your trailer thinking about what you've done. You look at yourself in the mirror. The costume fits perfectly. You feel like a real boy.

You approach Mr. Heinz in a bar. You put your hand on his inner thigh and wink at him. "Are you sauced yet?" you ask him.

Heinz thinks long and hard before answering. "Yes, yes I am". You walk out of the bar and onto the street. You turn around and give a thumbs up sign. You enter your trailer and close the door. "Okay, I'm ready", you think to yourself.

You tell your father "There is an emergency at the Ketchup factory so we have to go there." You trick your father into going to the ketchup factory and when he isn't looking you push him into the tomato mashing machine. He is chewed up into bits. Any feelings you had inside you are now gone. You are numb to it all.

The next day, you call your mother to let her know what happened. She doesn't seem too concerned. "That's okay honey, we all make mistakes". You hang up. A few days later, you get a phone call from Tom Hanks. He asks you to come over. "Sure, but only because I got something important to discuss with your dad".

You tell Tom Hanks your dad is dead. Tom Hanks is shocked. You then show Tom Hanks a volleyball with face drawn on it in Heinz-brand ketchup. "This is my father now," you tell Tom Hanks.

"And I killed him". Your mom is very upset by your actions. "How could you do such a thing? What did he ever do to you?" You explain that you were angry at him for years and finally snapped. Your mom cries. "Oh my God, please...just take your life back..".

You ask your mother how she likes the french fries she is eating. "Fine," she says, as she dips them in the ketchup. "This ketchup is awfully chunky, though.".

You then leave. A week passes and you return to your trailer. It has been painted red and decorated with yellow balloons. There is a poster of Elvis Presley on the wall. You open the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of orange soda. You drink the soda and watch TV until dinner time. Dinner consists of nothing but hamburgers, cheese sticks and potato chips.

You are now the CEO of Heinz, and Tom Hanks is your pitchman. One day, your son, Acht Heinz, comes to you. He tells you that Justin Beiber wants to endorse Heinz. You tell your son that's a great idea. "Come with me to the factory first," you tell him. "I want to show you the new tomato-mashing machine...".

A couple hours later, you arrive at the factory. Your father is still alive. He's sitting behind a desk watching a monitor showing the tomato-mashing machine. You stand behind him and wait for him to finish working. Suddenly, your father stands up and starts yelling at you. "Son! Stop staring at the computer! I'm trying to work!"