Deep Dish Wrestler

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Ted Gasmo, a man visiting Chicago for a business trip. You ask your hotel concierge where you could get some deep dish pizza. Before he can answer, a strange man recommends an old restaurant on the outskirts of town. Wanting the authentic deep dish experience, you take his advice. While there, you order the deepish deep dish they can make. You get your meal a few minutes later. You look down into the pizza and you can't see the bottom.
 It's about two feet thick in every direction. The cheese is oozing out everywhere as if it were alive."
"What?" Ted said with a hint of panic. "I ordered a normal sized pizza!"

The waiter tells you that if you eat the entire thing in one sitting, your meal is free.  The size of this pizza scares you, but the thought of a free meal intrigues you.  You accept the challenge and begin to consume the enormous pizza pie.
 As each slice leaves your mouth, it disappears completely before hitting the table below. Soon, only crumbs remain around your plate. Your stomach begins to ache from eating so much food at once.

Everyone in the pizza restaurant are cheering your name.  You are so close to finishing, but these last few bites are the most painful.
 Just when you think you have eaten all of it, another slice appears right in front of your face! A woman comes over and offers to sell you more slices. She even gives you a discount because she knows how tough it was for you to finish off such a large meal.

You scream, "I'm gonna throw up!"

Your wife says, "Oh my god! I am so sorry! Are you okay?"
Ted replied, "Yeah, just a little dizzy."
As Ted recovers, he looks down at the remains of his meal and sees the cheese oozing out of the crust like blood from a wound

An avalanche of cheese and marinara sauce erupts from your mouth.  You cover the crowd that gathered to watch you in half digested failure.
 They cheer wildly as the show ends.
Now, imagine what would happen if you had no fear of throwing up? What if you didn't care about making others feel bad or embarrassed by your actions?

The next week you return to the pizza place and attempt to do the giant pizza challenge again.  A crowd of people remembers you and immediately starts to gather around.
 You say, "Hey guys, come on over here! This time I'll finish it all!"
They laugh and tell you not to be ridiculous.  You ask them why they won't help you and they explain that you will never be able to eat enough pizza to finish it off.

What they don't know is that now you have a special trick to consume the massive amount of food:
 Eat a single slice and then vomit it back out immediately. You are always careful to keep your body upright while doing this. You practice until you can eat three slices without vomiting. You become quite popular with the ladies.

The owner of the restaurant tells you that your are quite entertaining, even when you lose.  The owner offers you a job as entertainer if you continue to put your body on the line for a laugh.  You accept.

Over the next few weeks, you learn the tricks of eating pizza. You begin to master your technique and soon are eating four slices at a time without any problem. You start gaining weight from all the extra food you eat.

You hop on the scale and it says you weigh:
 300 pounds.  You decide to stop eating so much pizza and instead focus on training. You want to get big and strong. You begin lifting weights and building muscle. After a year of working out, you finally reach your goal of becoming a professional wrestler.

You decide to name your wrestling persona after your pizza eating and call yourself:
 Deep Dish. You work hard to perfect your wrestling moves and become famous throughout the world.  Everyone loves watching you wrestle and your popularity grows.
After a few years, you find out that the pizza restaurant is owned by a group of investors who have decided to open a chain of restaurants across America.

You get the chain to sponsor your wrestling career.
 You train relentlessly to become the best wrestler in the world. You win the championship belt and become the World Champion. You also found out that the owner of the restaurant has been buying up other pizza places all over the country.

The owner hands you a shitty spellbook that is about spells that have poop and defecation in it.
 He explains that you need to cast a spell on the pizzas you eat so that they stay fresh longer. You agree and go home to cast the spell. You try to figure out what you can do with this shitty book, but nothing seems to work.

You try an exhaust every spell in the book.  You cast the following spells:

* Vomit - Make food you eat turn into a thick paste.
* Puke - Make food you eat explode.
* Fart - Make food you eat fart.
* Throw Up - Make food you eat spew out of your mouth.

But nothing works until you notice a hidden spell covered up by the book sleeve.  You read this secret spell:

Eat Pizza – Make food you eat stay fresh longer.
You try the spell and sure enough, the pizza you eat stays fresher than before. You become the champion again and you gain fame and fortune from your new power.

You die and in your will you asked for the following message to be printed on your tombstone:

"I hope you enjoy the taste of my pizza."
God bless America!
A True Story
This story is true. It happened to me.
It was one of those days where I woke up late and didn't have time to shower or shave.