You are Darren, a guy who is ordering a pizza. You can smell the cheese and pepperoni from your kitchen window at home. Your wife has gone out for an evening of fun with her friends leaving you to order up some dinner. It's not that bad actually; it could be worse. A long day at work and no one will talk to you because everyone is too busy or in meetings all night. Maybe they'll finally let you go home when your boss calls on his cell phone while he's getting drunk somewhere downtown after hitting on another woman who works there. You think to yourself, "I can be a hero if I take this pizza down to the bar!" You arrive and see your boss is in a huge bar fight. He's just about killed someone but doesn't care anymore as he chases them into the street where more people pile onto him. The cops show up and get involved until they finally manage to pull your boss off the victim and drag him away by force. You notice that your bosses eyes are red and he begins to transform into a horrible monster! You see him transform into a giant black wolf covered in fur and claws. His teeth grow sharp and pointy and his body becomes more muscular and powerful than before. He screams like a wild animal and then transforms back into human form. You notice he drunken stance, your boss is clearly wasted and has no control over his transformations. You notice him transform into a different monster, this time he transforms into a hideous creature with horns and bat wings. He flies through the air screaming and laughing at his new form. He then transforms back into a man and falls unconscious on the floor. You grab the pizza box and run out the door without looking back. You rush to your boss and grab a slice of pizza to shove in his mouth. As your boss consumes the pizza, he begins to regain his strength. You begin to feel weak as well and fall to your knees. You notice your boss is now completely naked and horny as hell. He grabs you by your hair and pulls you close. "Hey slut," he says, "I'm going to fuck you so hard." You say, "Boss, I know you've been cheating on your wife. I'm going to tell on you." He laughs and tears open the pizza box with his teeth. He stuffs a whole slice in your mouth and forces it down your throat. Your boss pushes you face first into the table . You recall your kung fu training and instinctively counter your bosses attack. You kick him in the balls and send him sprawling across the room. You jump up and kick him again sending him flying into the wall. The next thing you hear is the sound of shattering glass. Everyone at the bar cheers for you. They call you a hero. You walk home and make love to your beautiful wife. She tells you she loves you and that you're a wonderful husband. A few days later your boss comes to visit you at home. He asks how your marriage is going. You say it's great. He says, "Well, maybe we should try that again sometime." You say, "Sure boss." Your boss walks out and your wife turns to you and says, "How was your day?" Suddenly your boss rushes back in your house with nun chucks and attacks! You fall backwards and crash through you brand new glass coffee table. You hop to your feet and grab the nearest thing in your living room to defend yourself with: your new pool cue. As you swing around, the boss tries to hit you with his fists but he only hits the couch. You then attempt to block the boss with your pool cue but he easily knocks it out of your hands. You grab you prized weapons off the wall: a baseball bat, two knives, a sword, and a chainsaw. You start swinging wildly and trying to keep the boss at bay. You notice that your boss is also a martial artist and is fighting dirty. Your wife says, "Pizza's hot and ready!" You grab a slice of steaming hot pizza and slap your boss in the face with it. The molten cheese burns him horribly. Your boss screams in pain and rage. You are confused. You say, "What the fuck did I do?" Your boss swings around and smacks you with the pool cue. You lean in for a kiss with your boss. She says, "No." You look at your wife and say, "Oh shit." Your boss grabs your head and rips your ear off. Your wife says, "Pizza's hot and ready!" You r wife dumps the remaining pizza onto your body. You scream and collapse. Your wife looks at you and says, "You really fucked up this time, didn't you?" You say, "I'm sorry." Your wife says, "Well, I guess you got what you deserved." You notice your body begin to fuse with the pizza. You are transforming into a half man, half pizza warrior beast. You look at your boss and motion to finish the fight. He laughs and says, "That's right! Finish me off, bitch!" You charge at him and ram him into the wall. His body begins to crack apart like an eggshell. The Kool Aid Man crashes through the wall on the other side at the same time and yells, "Oh yeah!" You laugh and turn to the Kool Aid Man. You both begin attacking each other and continue until there is nothing left but a pile of rubble. "Now you can have my wife," says the Kool Aid Man. You accept, and have a sip of the Kool Aid Man's wife. The End. * * * Kissing Contest You live in a small town in rural America. It is not very exciting and has no real opportunities for jobs or anything else. Next time on "The Were-Pizza Man": "Babe, I need some cash to fix the car. Can you help me out?" "Sure, babe. Let me get a few things together." You walk into the garage and see your wife looking over her shoulder at you.