You get word that the Velcrolytes, your arch enemies are planning a rebellion. They have been slowly taking over towns and you need to take them back before they do it for good! You zip on your battle armor and zip over to Zipper Cult headquarters. Your underling have a counterassault planned against the Velcrolytes. They will be coming from all directions so you need to make sure none of these zippity zaps get through. You say "Zippity doo dah!" you scream, as you hoist your zip gun. Your zipper battalion fans out across the city. They begin shooting at anything zipping past. It's not enough though, and soon you hear an alarm going off in the Zipper HQ. The Velcrolytes are attacking now! You see your troops running away. You don't care; you just want this done with as quickly as possible. You fire your weapon wildly into the air. You shoot at everything, even buildings. You grow wildly impatient and yell "ZIP YOU!" and shoot your zip blaster indiscrimanently. The entire city is filled with zippers now. Some of them look like they're having problems keeping their heads up, but they keep shooting at each other anyway. You can only guess that some of them are actually trying to escape. You laugh maniacally. You've finally got what you wanted. "ZIP DOOR!" you shout. Doors across the city start zipping up, mangling screaming Velcrolytes. You have put down the rebellion, but their leaders, Prickly Side and Fuzzy Side, have escaped. You sigh with relief. You had hoped to kill these two, but you'll settle for killing the rest of the Velcrolytes. You ask your number 2 in command how many people died in the battle. He tells you that he thinks about 200 or 300 Velcrolytes were killed. That was a lot less than you'd expected. You ask your number 2 in command how many zippers died in the battle? He says around 50. "Well I'm glad we won," you tell him. You while you are burying the dead, you see a convoy of Ford Windstars head into town: it is the Seatbelt Cult and they look pissed! They must think you're dead because they're yelling at each other. You say "Restrain yourselves," you tell the Seatbelt Cult members. "We have no quarrel with you -- yet. Get out of here if you know what's good for you." > You go help the others "I'm sorry, but I gotta help my friend," you tell them. "Come on, let's go". Your companions look at you strangely. "What?" one asks. "Come on, guys," you say. "Let's get out of here". You go to your fortress, located deep inside Mount Olympzip. Your only friend, Grace the Shoelace, is waiting for you there. She has been looking after you since you arrived. She's always been there for you. You feel very sad when you leave her behind. You kiss Grave the Shoelace passionately and say "I missed you baby". Grace nods happily and kisses you back. Then she goes to hug her father who is standing nearby. You smile sadly at your son's love life. You say goodbye to Grace and she hugs you back. You then turn to leave and suddenly you realize something. "Wait, I... I..". you stutter. Your eyes widen when you notice something... You realize Grace's Dad is wearing velcro shoes. "Oh, shit..". You say. Your eyes widen again when you see that his boots are also made of Velcro. You run back to Grace. "Goddamnit!" you exclaim. "Why did you do that!?" Grace looks down at her feet. "Dad was making me wear those shoes to school today". You put Grace's Dad in a ziplocked bag. He screams and kicks, but you restrain him. You call for another pair of Velcro shoes for him to wear, but he doesn't listen. You take Grace home. When you arrive, you find Grace crying. "It wasn't right..". she says. "Please, please don't make me wear those". You hold her tightly. "No, it's okay". Grace asks you to stop this crazy war against the other fastener factions. You tell her you will think about it. You promise her that the Bread Tie Boys are safe for now. You Force Grace's father to swear allegiance to zippers, now and forever with no takebacks. You give Grace's Dad a new pair of Velcro shoes so he can live. You return to work. You wonder how it all came to this. Was Grace's Dad really a traitor? Did you just screw up royally? Or was it both?
D-Boy Johnson, powerful God of the zipper cult
Posted under Episode 114, Story On By Chief