Court Jester for the King of England in the year 1632

Posted under Episode 134, Story On By Chief

You tell the King of England a very funny joke but he seems displeased. He leans to the Queen and says...

"You can't just say that, you know". The Queen smiles at her husband and continues with her story. She tells how she was once on a ship sailing from Holland to England when it ran aground in a storm off the coast of France.

You say "Your highness, this story is really fucking boring. Get to the good part!"

The Queen gets up from her chair and walks over to you. "I'm not going to be your court jester forever. I need to earn my keep". She looks into your eyes and says "I will do anything you want me to do, but only if you let me marry you". You smile back at her as she nods her head slowly.

You and the queen marry in a hasty ceremony. The queen leads you to her bedroom and begins removing your clothes. "Leave the hat on," she tells you.


of the queen's virginity. You decide to seduce the queen.

You have no idea what to do so you go through all the usual things. You take her out on dates, you give her gifts, you even try to get her pregnant. Nothing works though. Eventually she breaks up with you saying that you were too much trouble. She then goes on to explain that she has been married before and that it didn't work out either.

You decide to seduce the King.

> You seduce him You don't like the king and his rules. It's time for some change. You remember that there is another man who is also in charge of the kingdom and he isn't happy about being the king. This man happens to be the one who made you lose your virginity. What could possibly go wrong?

The king hears rumors of your mutiny and decides to put you into solitary confinement in the Tower of London.

You spend most of your days alone in your room trying to think of ways to escape. One day while you are thinking about escaping, you hear someone coming down the stairs. You look up and see the king standing before you. He wears an old suit and tie and doesn't seem to mind the fact that he is naked underneath.

The King informs you the Queen is mad at him and has also banished him to the tower. "We are roommates now," he tells you.

He takes you by the hand and leads you outside where he explains to you why he wants you to help him overthrow the monarchy. "The country needs a new leader. The current monarch is an idiot. We should replace him". "What makes you think we would agree?" "Because I am the best qualified candidate to lead the country".

You start a whisper campaign against the queen. You tell people she has the smelliest farts in the kingdom. Her subjects start to look at her differently.

They begin to hate her and tell everyone they know. Soon, she is exiled to the tower. You and the king have a secret meeting in the garden. You tell him that you want to be the next ruler of the land. "Then we'll make this place great again". You nod to him and kiss him.

You go to see the court wizard. You ask him to make a potion that will make you king.

The wizard agrees to create the potion. You drink it and within seconds you become king. At first you are ecstatic, but soon after you realize that you aren't quite as awesome as you thought you were. You still have a lot of problems to solve. For example, you can't stop the peasants from rioting because they're pissed at their food supply being cut.

You go to the Tower of London and visit the old Queen. You say to her "I am King now and you are my subject. I still have feelings for you.".

She kisses you goodbye and leaves. After three years, the peasants finally revolt. They burn down your castle and kill many of your subjects. Your subjects are angry and ready to rebel again. You have to find a way to pacify them or else the rebellion will spread to other parts of the country.

You invent the first fast food restaurant: Chicken Shack. The peasants get fats and lazy and are stuck working long hours at the Chicken Shack so they stop revolting.

Years pass and eventually the peasants are completely satisfied with their lives. They live longer and enjoy more leisure time than ever before. The people of the country are happier than they've ever been. You feel like a hero. You feel like you've done something special. You feel like a king. But then you suddenly notice something. You never learned to read or write.