You are a world-class hitman. Your services are among the most valued in the profession. You never fail to kill your target, and you are never detected, because of your excellent skill at disguise. Your next target is a man named John Doe." "I don't know who that is," I said. "But if he's so important, why would someone hire me to kill him?" "We have reason to believe that this John Doe has been actively working with the authorities to thwart the efforts of a criminal organization known as the Black Hand. The Black Hand is attempting to launch an attack on the United States. > You go to the secret lab to look at new gadgets for this next mission. It's not really a secret lab. It's just a room with several computers in it. You're guessing they must be some kind of research facility. The computer systems here are all different from the ones you've seen before. They seem more advanced than anything you've ever used. And there's no one else around... Wait! There's someone behind one of the computers. > You look behind one of the computers and see a small creature that you've never seen on Earth before. "Hello?" you say. "Hmmm? What do you want?" the creature replies. "Uh... I'm looking for my friend..." "Who?" "A human. He's called Stu..." "Stu?" the creature asks. "Yeah, I think you've heard of him." "Oh yeah, Stu. He's my father." > You notice Stu appear and grab the creatures hand. "What's going on?" you ask. "He was trying to steal something." Stu says. "Steal what?" "My dad's work." "Your dad works here?" "No, but he does a lot of stuff here." "Like what?" "Well, he builds things and such." "Is this where he makes his inventions?" > You ask the creature it's name. "Lorghi." "And what exactly are you doing here?" "Looking for something." "What?" "Something I used to have." "What was it?" "A book." "A what?" "A book." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Then why did you come here?" > You notice Lorghi begin to cry and offer to help him with whatever he needs. You tell him you are a hitman. "Hitman?" Lorghi asks. "Yeah, that's what I told you. I kill people for money." "People?!" Lorghi yells. "Yeah, people." "That's horrible!" "Yeah, well, I can't change the way I am." "You could try though." "What?" > You ask Lorghi if he wants anyone killed. "Yeah, I need someone dead." "Why?" "Because she tried to kill me." "Who?" "A girl." "Her name?" "Gina." "I don't know anyone by that name." "Really?" "Not that I remember." "So how do I get rid of her?" "Kill her yourself." > You track down Gina to a local bar near the secret lab. When you arrive, you see three men standing outside the entrance. One of them looks like he's about to wet himself. You approach the front door and knock. A moment later, Gina opens the door. "Hello, Mr. Smith." "I need you to take care of someone for me." "Sure thing, boss." "How much?" > You reach for your secret weapon: a rocket launcher disguised as a fountain pen and blow up Gina. "Holy shit, that hurt!" You run back to the car. "Get in the car!" you yell at your driver. "What happened?" "Someone blew up Gina." "Oh, shit. That's not good." You drive off. "Where to now?" "To the secret lab. We'll meet up with the others there." > You complain that the rocket launcher pen trigger was too sensitive and now you are covered in blood and guts. "Fuck it, let's go." "Hey, wait a minute. Where are we going?" "To the secret lab." "But we aren't even close." "Shut up and drive." You eventually find the secret lab. "Everyone inside!" you shout. "What's happening?" "I have a plan to save the day." > You explain your elaborate plot to save the day. "Okay..." "As soon as everyone is ready, we will leave." "What about the rest of us?" "We will stay here until the time comes." "Alright. Everyone get into position." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to give myself a quick makeover." "What the fuck for?" "Just shut up." > You disguise yourself as a Japanese businessman and try to escape the country, but you are stopped at the border to Mexico. "I'm sorry sir, but you cannot cross the border without proper identification." "I don't have any identification." "Sir, you must be mistaken. How could you not have any identification?" "It's because I'm a Japanese business man." "Mr. Nakayama, I assure you it is against international law to travel without proper identification." > You come up with a convincing lie that allows you to sneak into Mexico. "I'm here on vacation, sir. My name is John Smith." "Very nice. Please step over here so I can scan you." You are scanned. "Hmm... you're not who you say you are, Mr. Nakayama." "That's because I'm not really John Smith." "Excuse me? Who are you then?" > You panic and bribe the border patrol agent. "Look mister, I've got enough cash on me to buy this entire country! Just let me through and I'll pay you ten times what you're asking!" The guard laughs. "Ten times my salary? Hahaha, you must be joking." "No, I'm serious! > You write the guard a clown check for $100,000 and it bounces. "Ha ha! Now I guess I'll just have to shoot you." The guard raises his gun and shoots you right between the eyes. Your head explodes and you fall out of the window to your death. Your body is found two days later by some children playing in the park. They scream and run away when they see your face. The police investigate and arrest the guard. The moral of the story: Don't trust clowns. TEL AVIV – Israel's ambassador to the United Nations said Wednesday that the UN Security Council has "failed" its members by failing to condemn Hamas for firing rockets at civilian targets.