Chuck Norris’ Kung Fu Tournament

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Jin Liu Bai, a fraudulent sword master who stole the name of a dead hero. One day you receive a letter from master Lu Han, a famous court duelist. He wishes to challenge you to a till death match in the imperial palace.
 You accept and travel there with your new friend, Wu Zhongzi. The emperor is amused by this development and allows it. After much sparring, he challenges you both to an open arena fight for all eight contestants.

You realize that you have just entered a fight to death tournament with the prize of:

One million gold pieces! A life time supply of food and wine! An army of servants! And finally... Eternal fame! Your own fan club and everything else you could ever want. In exchange for these things, however ...

Your opponent will be the great warrior “Iron Palm” Li Kao. Even if you win, he can still kill you. So what's the catch? Why would anyone enter such a contest?

You hear Chuck Norris, the Arena Champion, whisper to you, "Li Kao is strong, but he has one fatal weakness:
 His heart." If you defeat him in the arena, his spirit will leave his body forever. But only after he has killed you. Do not let him do that! Kill him first! That way, you will live happily ever after.

You enter the arena and take a fighting stance against Li Kao.  Right before the battle starts, you yell to Li Kao, "You are looking today, I am flattered to be fighting such a handsome opponent."  Li Kao blushes.
 Then he says, "I don't know why, but I feel like we have met somewhere before." You say, "Oh yeah, we were on the same plane once. We had to make an emergency landing because our engines caught fire!"

The bell rings and the fight begins!  Li Kao charges at you, you look around the arena for a makeshift sword to fight with.  You find a
 metal bar about three feet long. You grab it and swing at Li Kao as hard as you can. He blocks the blow with his iron palm. You try again, and again, and again.

You play mind games and tell Li Kao, "Sexy blocks!"  Li Kao blushes again leaving himself wide open and then strike!

He swings his iron hand down onto your head and crunches into your skull like a melon. You fall unconscious. When you wake up, you are lying in a hospital bed. You have been healed and the doctors tell you that you will recover completely.

Chuck Norris is sitting next to your bed as you wake up.  Chuck says, "Bad luck, but hey you live to fight another day."  Chuck offers to train you over the next year and have you fight in next year's tournament.  You think about it and agree.  You really need that money to pay off loan sharks.

You begin training under Chuck Norris. He teaches you how to use your hands and feet to block attacks. He also shows you how to counter and attack without weapons.
You begin to get good at using your hands and feet to block blows.

After months of training, Chuck Norris gives you a gift for making such good prog
ess: Count Grey's Clothes.
 It is a book that tells you all about the tricks and techniques of various martial arts masters.
You read through it and learn the secrets to fighting a variety of opponents.
Now you have learned everything Chuck Norris knows.

The year flies by and it is again time for the tournament.  You first opponent is:

Balding Master Wang!
Wang comes at you swinging a wooden staff. You block his attacks easily. He tries to trip you with a rope, but you jump over it and land on top of him.

You use your first new technique against Wang:
 "Dancing Crane" - a move where you kick his legs out from under him. You put him on his back and pin his arms behind his back. You lift his leg and slam it into the ground repeatedly until he is unconscious.

You win the first round!  Your training seems to have paid off.  Your next opponent in the tournament is:

Strong Man Liu!
Liu comes at you swinging a big two-handed axe. You block the blow with your bare hands.  You notice that he has no neck muscles. You grab the handle of the axe and pull it away from him.

You mange to grab ahold of Liu's hair and then you do your second technique:
 "Nail Nails". You throw Liu into a wall and nail him to the wall with a hundred nails.
You win the second round!
You continue through the tournament. Each victory is easier than the last.

You are in the final round of the tournament, your opponent is your master: Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris comes at you swinging a sword. You block the blow and then counterattack.
You attack Chuck Norris and manage to slice open his throat. You watch in horror as blood spurts everywhere!

You lean in for a kiss with Chuck Norris.

But he does not respond.
He just stares at you blankly.
You look into his eyes and see that they are empty.
No life, no soul.
Your master is dead!

You win the prize money and the fame, but you wish you honor your master.  You use a large amount of the prize money to build a shrine to Chuck Norris:

It is built in a small town called “The Town Where Chuck Norris Lives”.
Every year thousands of people come to visit the shrine.
Some even leave offerings and pray for their own personal miracle.

Next time on "Chuck Norris' Kung Fu":

The Adventures of "Mister" Chuck Norris!
* * *
Chapter 8 - "Crazy Eights" (8)
You are now a famous and wealthy person.
You have bought yourself a beautiful mansion and a yacht.