Chris Pratt’s Mario

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Mario and you are a plumber.
 You have been summoned to the castle of Princess Peach, but she is not there. She has gone on holiday. The evil King Koopa kidnapped her when he captured your home town. Your job is to rescue her from his clutches before it's too late!

You are really Chris Pratt, but you really want to do a good job at playing Mario in this new movie so that you can star in more Nintendo movies.
 That way you can make lots of money and buy all sorts of cool things for your family like an X-box and some Wii U consoles. But now your boss wants you to go into battle against Bowser who is the bad guy in this game called Super Mario Bros 2: Return To The Mushroom Kingdom.


level up to gain the following new plumber powers:

Super Jump - Press R2 while jumping to jump higher.
Warp Pipe - Hold down R1 and press A to instantly warp to any pipe location. This is useful if you get lost or just need to move quickly between levels.

You also contract the illness Terminal 7.
 It makes you feel sick and weak, but you have no choice but to keep going as your life depends on it. In order to survive you must defeat the many bosses in each stage, collect coins and items, and avoid being hit by enemy fireballs.

You notice Seth Rogan is very high and very reckless in his role as Donkey Kong.  He is making this journey to save the princess much harder than it needs to be.
 His reckless behavior will only result in him getting killed off screen by one of the many enemies he encounters. If you see him take a hit then please stop and help him out. Don't worry about the fact that you are a hero.

You meet Maro, that weird (but really attractive) fangirl of yours who throws some weird naughty innuendos at you every time she meets you.
 You don't know why you are attracted to her but you find yourself fantasizing about what would happen if you did kiss her. And you have fantasies where you are kissing other women too, although they seem to mostly involve her.

You decide to make your dreams a reality and lean in for a kiss with Maro.
 As you do this however she suddenly turns away from you, grabs onto the side of your head, and kisses you hard on the lips. She immediately pulls away and runs off giggling. You look confused and disappointed.
 You didn't even get to kiss her. What happened?
You try to catch up to her and ask her what was wrong. She tells you she just wanted to surprise you with something. You were so excited thinking you might finally get to kiss her that you forgot how much you actually like her.

Meanwhile Princess Peach is being tortured in Bowser's castle.
 She is held captive by the evil Koopa Clowns and is locked in a room without windows or doors.

 Her arms and legs are chained to the walls.
 They are holding her in place so that she cannot run away.
She screams for help to anyone who will listen, but no one comes to save her. You are summoned to the castle to rescue her but arrive too late.

You look horrified to see the Princess Peach has been
 stripped naked and is completely vulnerable. There are four Koopa Clowns surrounding her, ready to attack at any moment. You are unable to reach them in time and the Koopa Clowns beat her to death.

You shrug your shoulders and leave the castle to visit Maro.  You have a delightful day in the park.
 Maro gives you a lift home on her bike and then kisses you goodbye.
As you walk back to your house you think about how nice it would be to live together. You imagine living happily ever after with Maro and your two children.

You make your dreams a reality.

But before you can celebrate your success, your phone rings. It's Maro. She says she wants to come over right now and talk.
Maro arrives at your house. You invite her inside.
 You tell her you are glad she called. She asks if she can stay the night.
You agree and you both fall asleep in bed.
The next morning you wake up to find Maro is gone.

Maro has robbed you blind.  All of your things and all of your coins are missing.

You are devastated.
Your life savings has been stolen.
And you have nowhere to go.
You decide to turn to the internet for answers. You read up on the topic of romance scams and you discover that the scammer usually pretends to be a woman and uses photos of themselves online
 to trick their victims into giving them money.
It appears that Maro used a similar technique. She posed as a sexy girl online, which is why you fell for it.
You call the police and report the crime.
 You give them Maro's address and they promise to send someone out to check on things.
After waiting for a few days, you receive a letter from the local police department. It states that your case has been closed and that you should contact them if you have any further questions.

You plot a vigilante mission to get your ultimate revenge on Maro.  You team up with Bowser and create the ultimate scheme:
 The Super Mario Bros Revenge.
Bowser suggests that you lure Maro out of town by offering her a big reward. You and Bowser use your plumber powers to construct an elaborate trap.

The trap consists of a toilet that is rigged to
 explode when flushed. Maro is lured to the bathroom by a fake message from your daughter. When she opens the door, the toilet explodes and she is blown to bits.
You laugh maniacally as you watch the footage.

You and Bowser high five and you go to sleep happier than you ever have been in your life.

"Hello, my name is Seth Rogan. I am currently a student at the University of California San Diego. I am also a proud member of the American Hero program."
I smile proudly as I introduce myself.

Seth Rogan has an epiphany midway though his speech and puts it together that YOU are the one that killed Maro.

You realize that he is talking about you and you feel sick to your stomach.
You try to keep calm but you are filled with rage and humiliation.
This whole thing is your fault!

You have a meltdown in the lecture hall and everyone video tapes your freakout that goes viral online.

You are labeled the "Lilac Killer" and the internet is buzzing with rumors and conspiracy theories.
You attempt suicide but your parents manage to stop you before you take your own life.

You are put on trail and look over to see Shigeru Miyamoto shake his eye and ball his eyes out.   You know your chances are slim.

But you don't care.
You have nothing left to lose.
You head to the game development studio where you work.
You demand a meeting with Nintendo.
You are ushered into the office of Shigeru Miyamoto.

Shigeru Miyamoto gives you one chance for redemption, he explains that you must
 prove to him that you are innocent.
You explain that you have done everything that was asked of you.
He asks if there is anything else that you can do to clear your name.
You tell him that you want to play Super Mario Bros again.

You ask if you can get your hands on a copy of the original NES cartridges.
Nintendo laughs and tells you that you are crazy.
But he agrees to help you and sets up a meeting with Nintendo's lawyers.

You head home and call your friends at the arcade.
You convince your friends to join you and you all form a team of plumbers.
You buy some old Nintendo games off eBay and print out the cartridge labels.

You create a website for your cause and post pictures of yourself and your crew playing the game.
You write a letter to Nintendo and hand deliver it.
Nintendo's legal team meet with you and your friends at the arcade.

You show Shigeru a new game you have made that you think could a new franchise for Nintendo, you call the game:

Super Mario Bros 2.
Nintendo is impressed with your enthusiasm and convinces Shigeru to give you another shot.
You are sent back to the game development studio.
Shigeru Miyamoto introduces you to Nintendo's marketing department and they set you up with a job.

You level up and gain the following powers of deceit:

* Hide your identity
* Use a voice changer
* Play dead
* Throw objects at people
* Punch people in the face
* Drink milk
You become the ultimate conman.

You go to work creating Super Mario Brothers 2, but it is a completely different game that you originally pitched.  In this new game, you
 play as Luigi.
You change the names of characters and make them Italian instead of Japanese.
You also add a bunch of extra levels and unlockable secrets.
You release the game and Nintendo is shocked to find out that you created a sequel.

You also changed the name of the game, instead of Super Mario Bros 2, you called the game:

Mario Party.
Nintendo calls your bluff and releases their own version of Mario Party.
It turns out that they had a prototype of the game already in development.
They decide to release it under the title: Super Mario Party.