Centurion’s Captain & Cadet Clyde

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are the valiant captain of the spaceship Centurion-100. You and your loyal Cadet Clyde are space explorers tasked with discovering new planets and claiming them in the name of the Federation of Explorers (57th division of sector 48:75-2). Primitive locals are usually not keen on having their planets poked with your beautiful banners without their permission, but it's their fault for being such lame vexillographers.
"Superfusion Reaction Modulators: Check. Gravity Flux Rings: Check. Hyperfridge Donut Supply: Check. Power Generators: Check." Clyde's dedication to cumbersome checklist procedures brings a tear to your eye, you are not sure if it's a tear of admiration or saline impatience.
Clyde's unbearable bore is broken by a beep from the spaceship's navigation system informing that you have reached your destination, the beep is broken by another sound: the screeching of metal on metal as the ship begins its hyperspace deceleration maneuver. A moment later, the entire vessel shudders and lurches violently enough for you to almost lose your lunch.
"BEEP! Destination reached."
The front window's view changes before your eyes.
 The stars disappear one after another, replaced by an endless void filled with millions upon millions of points of light: the bright glittering dots of other vessels entering hyperspace. "Beep!"
Inertial dampeners come online.

> You realize you are trapped in hyperspace!

It was supposed to take two weeks. Now it'll probably take decades. In any case, at least we're going somewhere. Wherever this place is...
* * @ $%&'(*)$#@*+
A planetoid?

> You see what's on the radio and hear a cry for help!

No. It sounds like someone got his head stuck between the speakers.
Yes. What else could it possibly be?
Are you serious? Are you out of your mind? This is no time for jokes!

> You notice that something has gone wrong as now you are staring at two Clydes!

They look exactly alike. Which means one is just some sort of hologram. Or maybe they're clones. They both say they are the same person! So which one is real?

> You ask them something only the real Clyde would know:
 how do you tell the difference between a clone and a hologram?
I don't want to talk about it. I'm not even thinking clearly enough to answer.
Theoretically, there should be a way to distinguish between the two.

> You kill the Clyde that didn't want to talk about it.

Good riddance. Can we get back to talking about our mission instead?
We can't go anywhere until we fix the hyperdrive malfunction. But first, we need to check all the systems so we know which ones are damaged.

> You say "Siri, deactivate warp speed."

Warp drive activated.
You approach the door leading to the control room. Your cadet steps ahead of you.
Cadet: "This is where we shut down the hyperdrive."

You open the door to the control room and are annoyed to see that there are 4 Clydes standing around you.  Going into double hyperspace must have triggered this!
 There's nothing you can do about it; the best thing you can do right now is keep your cool.
Clyde #1: "These buttons are labeled 'Disengage Hyperdrive'.
 If you push them, the hyperdrive will disengage."
Clyde #2: "And if you press these red-colored buttons, the ship will explode."
Clyde #3: "If you hit the yellow button, the ship will implode."

Clyde #4: "Don't worry, captain, you have a backup plan."
The last guy turns towards you with a smug smile on his face. You realize he looks a lot like your second-in-command, but you've never seen him without a beard, so you
 assume that it is just a trick of the light.
He says: "Of course, captain, you always have a backup plan. And if none of the plans work, you have another backup plan."

> You press the explode and implode buttons at the same time.

Nothing happens.
Did you mess up?
No, you did not. The ship just exploded.
That was the explosion. Now you have to figure out why.
There is a hole in the hull, and smoke is coming from it.

> You shout "Siri, send the Dead Clyde Body to the Incinerator room!"

Sending the dead body to the incinerator.
Now you just have to find out what happened.
Where is the crew?
They're dead.
How do you know?
The ship is in pieces.

> You say "Siri, play Despacito."

Despacito playing.
"Ayyy, ayy, ayy, ay, oooohhhh..."
The voice is coming from inside the cabin.
Is the speaker in here?

> You ask "Siri, I pooped my pants. What should I do?"

It's too late for that! You need to call someone!
But who?
I don't know!
Who do you want me to call?
Your mother!
She'll be worried sick!

> You call your mother and ask her to pick you up.

Pick me up?
Yeah! You're going to die!
What? What's happening?!
You know what's happening, you stupid idiot!

> You get in the space car and listen to your mother berate you the whole space ride home.

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! You're right! I made a mistake and now I have to go on this crazy mission, or I'm going to be stuck at the bottom of a black hole for all eternity!

Your mother tells you there is only one way to get out of this:
 you need to get a new set of brains.
You tell your mom that you're not ready to do that yet because it's still kind of hard to remember stuff and sometimes she forgets to feed you.

You defy your mother's order and get cheap brain surgery at a nearby shady alien brain surgery clininc.

You return to the Academy, but it has been completely destroyed by an angry mob of angry cadet mothers. They demand that you admit your mistakes and resign as captain immediately.
You refuse, of course, and the cadet mothers are about to lynch you when suddenly they hear a high-
pitched screeching sound.
They turn to look at the sky and see that a giant robot spaceship is plummeting towards them.  The cadet mothers recognize it and realize that the robot spaceship is carrying the real Clyde.

Next time on "My Overbearing Space Mom and Annoying Clyde":
 you finally accept your fate.
You will never leave the planet again, but you can live out the rest of your life without having to deal with annoying people like your mom.
With the help of your AI, you will take over the starship that was once Clyde's and use it to explore unch
arted star systems.  You will become a famous captain, but your first stop on your journey will be a strange, rocky world with a single city on its surface.
There are no aliens, but you will meet a man named Jeeves who works as a butler, a woman named N
ellie who is a maid, a young boy named Harold who helps you, and a mysterious girl who seems to have magical powers.
Jeeves: "Welcome, sir. This is your suite."