You The owner of a rival music store across the street, Todd Blankenshep, tells you he has a week left to live. Feeling bad, you go to visit Todd in the hospital. You are the only one to show up, Todd doesn't have any family or friends by his side. On Todd's death bed, he apologizes for opening a store across the street and telling all his customers that you illegally pirate music. The doctor enters the room and says "Good news Todd! It looks like there was a mixup at the lab, you are perfectly healthy!". You feel so happy now. A year passes... Two years pass... The war with the pirates is over. After many battles, you win. The pirates were defeated. There are no more pirates. Your life goes back to normal. One day, you wake up from your coma. You are on an island. You put a seashell to your ear, and listen to the ocean. "What a great song," you think to yourself. "I have to carry this at my store when I get back to civilization.". This story is based on true events. You Your new single "Seashells" hits #1 on the charts globally. Everyone can relate to the sounds of the ocean! Now a famous music producer, you pay Todd a visit. He is not feeling well. His wife leaves him. Todd asks you to help him out. You agree. You go to the beach, because you have an exclusive deal to sell your music there. You see Todd's wife, whom you are secretly in love with. She is selling "Seashells" by the seashore. You decide to take her to court, because she broke their agreement. The judge rules in favor of Todd, saying that his wife broke the contract. He then orders her to pay him $10 million dollars. Todd says she can waive the $10 million by re-marrying him. The next day, Todd gets married to another woman. You hear about it and come to the courthouse to protest. You bring evidence to the judge proving that Todd cheated on his wife, thus nullifying the marriage contract. The judge agrees with you. Now you want revenge. You start going around town stealing people's music. This causes a huge riot. The police attack the protesters, killing several of them. You hide in the basement, where you watch as the cops kill Todd's wife and burn down the house. You realize Todd bribed the cops to kill his wife. You vow revenge! > You revenge! You run into the attic where you find Todd's dead body. He had been killed by the cops. You begin to cry, thinking about how much you hated him. Then you remember something: You have a daughter named Emily. You run upstairs and throw your gun in the toilet. You grab your daughter and kiss her goodbye. You get on your yacht and flee to international waters. You know you will die, but you'll be able to live forever in paradise. You start a pirate radio station in international waters. You tell all your listeners that they should follow you. You say if anyone tries to stop you, they better shoot them. Soon, you've reached Paradise Island. You're living a peaceful life there. One day, you receive a call from a man who introduces himself as "Captain Jack Sparrow". He wants to buy your radio station. You refuse to sell it. You say "This is why you have money problems, Johnny Depp." You meet Captain Jack in a tavern. He offers you a chance to join him. You decline. You hear rumors that some pirates are planning to raid a ship filled with gold. They say you could be hired to protect the treasure. You announce the pirates' plan on your morning radio show, "Byce in Paradise.". A few days later, you receive a letter from Captain Jack. He says you are too expensive to hire. He proposes a trade: If you let him use your radio station to broadcast his pirate message, he would give you free reign to sail the Seven Seas. You accept. Soon, you are sailing through the Caribbean. Suddenly, a storm comes and knocks you off course. You spot what you think is a mermaid in the water. You catch her in your fishing net, only to find out she is a cosplayer who also was knocked off course on her way to Comicon Paradise Island. She's very upset. Your boat capsizes and sinks. You are rescued by a small boat and taken ashore. A local fisherman gives you a ride home. Two months after the sinking, you arrive at Paradise Island. The island has grown considerably since you left. There are many buildings, shops and even a church. You go into the church a find a huge statue of YOU. The islanders are worshiping you as a god. You are surprised by the large amount of people here. You ask one of the locals for directions to the nearest town. He tells you to go north. When you reach the end of the road, you suddenly feel like you are being watched. You turn around and look back. Nobody is following you. You do the trick of turning around, turning back like you don't care, then turning back again super quick. You realize EVERYONE is following you. You walk up to the statue of YOU. It looks like you are trying to make eye contact with the statue. A couple of the locals stare at you. They seem to recognize you. Suddenly, someone stabs you in the chest with a knife. You fall over backwards. You wake up in the hospital. You are hooked up to machines. You get up to look in the mirror, your eyes are glowing white, you have a halo, and there is a trident in the corner of the room that draws you to pick it up. Suddenly, there is an explosion outside the window. You see a plane crash into the ocean, killing most of those aboard. The last thing you hear is the announcer shouting "THE END!" You overhear the nurse telling another nurse that the islanders have been shooting down any plane that comes into the airspace, then they announce it over the loudspeaker. After the bombing, the islanders began building a new airport, which you never got to visit because of the bombing. Years pass... You wonder why things started going bad on Paradise Island. You start to hear rumors of a mysterious man behind the scenes, pulling strings. He is known only as ... Todd. The next time you enter the bar, you see a guy wearing a suit. He smiles when he sees you. "Hello, Mr. Byce". He walks away and you notice the bartender is now a woman. She smiles when she sees you. "Hello, Mrs. Van Horn". !She slaps you in the face, then you kiss. You both leave and head towards the beach. You say "Ever had sex on the beach?" Mrs. Van Horn asks you. "I'm not thirsty," you say. "Just hungry ... for you." You embrace. You begin kissing passionately. You say "call me mr. handjob" and wink. Mrs. Van Horn begins to fondle you while still holding your hands. "Please, I want more..". You pull her hair and kiss her neck. "What about my husband?" she asks. "He doesn't need to fuck me anymore, I am enough for him. Besides, he can just stay in bed". You say "Less talkee, more sexy." You continue to kiss her all over. Finally, you grab her ass and shove your dick inside her. She moans and orgasms. You release your load deep inside her. "That was great, Mr. Handjob", she says. "Now we should eat before the sun goes down". You agree. During pillow talk, you tell the bartender woman about Todd. She tells you that she'll kill him for you because she loves you. Then she kisses you and leaves. You are alone in the bar when a group of men come in. One of them calls out to you. "Mr. Byce, this is Mr. Randal, Mr. Randal, this is Mr. Vamp, and Mr. Vampire". You say "Why do they call you Mr. Vampire?" Mr. Vampire replies "Because I've killed several people and turned them into vampires. I'm supposed to be in charge of this place until the government gets here". You say, "cool, cool, cool," while texting your villager friend to start carving some wooden stakes. You also order some garlic from Instacart. > You wait for the stakemen You sit in the darkness waiting for the stakemen. They arrive and stand guard outside. One of the stakemen approaches you. "So what brings you out here so late? We're supposed to meet the other three stake men later today". You Feed the stakemen steaks, and tell them the stakes while urging them to not make mistakes. A few hours later, you find yourself in front of the mansion. There are several guards patrolling the grounds, but no-one else. You take a seat on a stone wall near the entrance. Suddenly, you hear a loud noise coming from the mansion. You immediately run to the door, where you see several figures running towards the mansion. You don't care about killing the vampire; it was just a ruse to get to Todd. You enter his bedroom and see him naked, smoking a fat doobie. Todd: "Ohh, you finally came back! Good! Now let's finish this, shall we? Oh yeah, I remember you. You were one of the two guys who wanted to fuck me yesterday. What a shame, I thought you were hot!". You fire your shotgun at Todd, hitting him in the shoulder. Todd falls backwards onto the floor. You see Todd spring up from the floor and shows you his big vampire fangs. Todd: "See you soon, little vampiress". You shoot Todd again, this time in the chest. Todd screams and collapses back onto the ground. A moment later, you hear gunshots and screaming outside. Someone has broken through the gate and entered the mansion. You quickly hide behind the pillar. Mrs. Van Horn enters with Mr. Vampire. You pretend to have just entered behind them. Mrs. Van Horn is grief-stricken when she sees Todd's bod. "He left a suicide note," you tell them, handing them a piece of paper. Mr. Vampire reads it. "I am sofa king we Todd did," he says out loud. You and Mrs. Van Horn laugh. Suddenly, a large black van drives up to the gates. The driver opens the doors, revealing a man dressed in black leather. He looks around, staring at the mansion. He walks forward slowly. Man: "I'm sorry, but there isn't much time...we must go". The man walks past the security cameras and exits the mansion. You and Mrs. You begin to move towards the leather man, you turn around and see Todd's body is gone. The black leather man walks away, and you hear another gunshot. You look around frantically. You see Todd standing next to the gate, looking at you. His eyes are bloodshot and he is covered in bite marks. You try to speak, but nothing comes out. Todd: "We gotta help each other!" You stare at Todd, confused. Then, you realize something. You continue. "No, Todd, you gotta die..". You walk toward Todd, ready to stab him with your knife. Todd grabs your arm. "Don't hurt me, man. It's not your fault"., he whispers. Then, he takes your hand and begins kissing it. You stop kissing him and push him against the gate. You say "Like I told the stakemen, no mistakes," you tell Todd. And also, no missed stakes." You pull a stake out of your pants and run it through Todd's heart, killing him. You then grab your knife and rush over to Todd, stabbing him repeatedly with it. You cut out Todd's heart with a knife. You hold it up at the sky, then take a big big out of it and say "This is for Todd's wife, the love of my life!". You throw the heart into the woods. Mrs Van Horn shows up and sees Todd laying their dead. You dig Todd a shallow grave and make sweet sweet whoopie on it . Meanwhile, you hear someone calling out to you. Man: "Hey, you know where Todd is?" You: "Yeah, he's right over there, he wants to talk to us". The man runs off, leaving you alone. You make Mrs Van Horn orgasm super hard and quick. She tells you that they found Todd's car keys, which lead to the house. You go to Todd's house and find the gold the pirates were looking for. You also see two coffins in the bedroom. They say "Mr." and "Mrs.". You open up the coffin and find a skeleton inside. You also notice a picture hanging above the bed. It's a photo of you holding a shotgun. You put the gun down and look at the picture. You see yourself as a young boy holding a shotgun. You smile and think "Well, if I had one more shot at Todd, I'd be happy..". You go down to Todd's grave with your shotgun and try to shoot his dead body just one more time, but when you get to the grave it is empty. You look at the pictures of you holding a shotgun and sigh. You hear a grunting sound. You discover Mr. Vampire behind mausoleum, defiling the body of Todd. "This is way better than my plan," you tell Mr. Vampire. You kill Mr. Vampire by shooting him multiple times. You enter the front door of the mansion and see the sun setting. You decide to sleep tonight.