You sit in the audience and watch the show, while eating a bucket of popcorn. Eventually, the host announces that you've won the award for best actor. You put down your popcorn and get onstage. The host hands you the award. However, your hands are slippery, because of the butter, so the award falls and breaks. The host starts screaming at you. "You broke it! You fucking broke it!" he screams. "I didn't even see it! I was looking out into the crowd! You idiot! You should be ashamed of yourself!" The audience begins booing you. You feel like throwing up. Finally, someone hands you a tissue. You take it, wipe your face and continue. You spend your entire speech blaming Mason Faulker, the kindly old popcorn man who has handed out his special popcorn at the Academy Awards since 1925. The audience turns their anger on poor Mason. He tries to explain how the popcorn is made, but no one listens. They just start chanting "Mason must die". At this point, you have no idea what's going to happen next, but you know you're not going to win an Oscar for this performance. At this point, you realize that if you don't act now, you'll never act again. You use your amazing acting skills to save the day. > You run away from the theater... It takes all your willpower to stay seated, but you manage to do it. When you leave, you walk slowly back to your car, where you pull out your cell phone. You call up your agent, who tells you to go home immediately. He says that you can't possibly survive another night like tonight without alcohol. You enter your home address in the GPS, but it keeps directing you toward the Kodak Theatre, the place you just left. You know what you have to do. You drive your Maseriti hybrid through the doors of the theater and down the aisle to where Mason is. You open the passenger door and tell Mason to get in. He doesn't understand why you want him to get in the car. He thinks you're trying to kill him. You both drive off. As soon as you park in front of your house, you turn on the radio to drown your sorrows. After about ten minutes, Mason asks you to stop listening to music. He wants to hear something more uplifting. Mason pops in his motivational disc that is just him chanting "You are worth it." backed by whale noises. The two of you listen to this CD for hours until finally you decide to go outside. You look around. There is nothing around here except trees and grass. Nothing to distract you. You walk over to your backyard gate and knock on it. No answer. You try the fence. No answer. You wait for a long time and then you give up. Mason asks you if you don't have key to your own house or something. You realize you do have a key, and use it to open the door. You invite Mason in. He looks very surprised by your invitation. Inside, there is a small living room with a sofa and some bookshelves. A TV sits on top of them. On the wall hangs a poster of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love. In the middle of the room is a large fireplace, which overlooks the garden. Suddenly, you notice a man standing behind Mason. You see the man behind Mason is your agent. He says "Did you read the news!? You two fugitives are the talk of the town!". Mason looks at you and smiles. Then he goes into the kitchen to make himself a drink. Meanwhile, you sit alone in your living room. Mason announces that he has decided to give you the secret recipe for his popcorn. You are moved and ask him why he chose you. He replies that he wanted someone who could work hard and would never quit. He continues, "And you were perfect". Suddenly, you hear loud banging on the front door. You jump, thinking it's Mason. But, when you peek out the window, you see nothing but sky. You step outside and get ambushed by a SWAT team. They shoot you repeatedly, before dragging you to the police car. They throw you into a holding cell and lock the door. You think about killing yourself, but you decide against it. Instead, you scream "Let me out!" and they let you out. A few days pass and you learn you won't be getting any of the popcorn. There is a horde of media outside the jail. You are the most famous person in the world now. You announce you are taking a break to enter the popcorn business and set off to find Mason. Chapter 2: Escape (Part 1) A year passes... It has been five years since you escaped from prison. The movie you had written for your escape failed to gain distribution, so now you write for a newspaper instead. One day, you receive a letter from a guy named Mike. You read the letter from Mike. He says there is evidence that you were set up during the award ceremony. He says the academy planned your ruin. He also says he knows where you live. You figure you should meet. "I'm sorry I didn't come earlier," you say. Mike looks hurt. "It was my fault. I did everything wrong. I shouldn't have said anything to you. I don't even know why I wrote to you. I thought maybe you might help me". You continue. "But I couldn't believe he'd do such a thing to me. I felt so helpless. Now, I feel angry. Why? What did he do to you?" Mike seems confused. "I don't know. Maybe he gave you drugs. Maybe he beat you up. Maybe he poisoned you. Who knows what happened. All I know is he killed you". You say "Yeah my career is over, right? That's what you mean, right Mike? RIGHT?!" Mike begins to cry. "No, no, no! I'm not dead! I'm alive! I'm going to prove you're lying! I'm going to prove you're all liars! I'm going to become rich again! I'll start writing songs again! I'll get the girl again! I'll..". You realize Mike is Michael McDonald, yacht-rock legend. He tells you he needs money to pay off his lawyer. You agree to help him. You tell him how much you want to get together. Mike tells you this all a conspiracy by the butter industry, because you played the role of Canola Alverez in "The Margerine Diaries." Your award-winning performance made the bigwigs angry. > You accept the offer You accept the offer. After all, you need the money. After several months later, you and Mike head to your trailer park. You drive through the night. At first, you can't stop. You keep driving until you reach your trailer. When you arrive, you check to see if anyone is watching you. Nope. You open your door and see Mason sitting in your rocking chair with a large tub of popcorn. He gives you a smile and a kiss on the cheek. "Sorry, but I got tired. See ya around". As you leave, you wonder what kind of music Mike will play next. You see mike sit down at the dirty piano in your living room and starts playing "Taking it to the streets" for you. You leave the trailer and walk home. You look at the stars. Soon, you'll be free. You take your heroin laced popcorn and pass out on a park bench. You wake in rehab. Mike and Mason are there. They tell you they are very disappointed in you. Luckily, you are famous, so this does wonders for your career. You go back to your trailer and watch TV. You think about the future. You've been sober for one year now. You think about your life now. You've found some love. You've gotten a job. You've got a family. You've changed your life forever. You realize everything you just said would make great lyrics for a Michael McDonald song. He agrees, and you both get to work on a new album. One day, you get a call from your agent. She wants to talk to you. She tells you she thinks you should join her band. She says it's a good fit for you. She asks you if you want to be in their new video. You fire your agent for conflict of interest. You tell Michael McDonald what happened, and he gets so angry that he walks over to the piano and writes a Grammy-caliber song. Michael McDonald releases a second album called "Piece of My Heart". This time, he uses his fame to help other people. You get a call from your agent. She tells you "I have a big acting gig that could turn your career around. You could be super famous again. If... you satisfy me sexually. No pressure, it's up to you.". She hangs up on you. You decide to go to her place. You enter her trailer and find her naked. She tells you she doesn't like to use drugs or alcohol anymore. She tells you she used to drink them all the time, but then she stopped. She told you she needs to focus on herself. She tells you she loves you. You continue. "Okay, okay, I'm serious. Let's do this". "Why?" "Because you're special to me. Because we're meant to be together. And because I really want to be with you". "What the hell, man? Are you fucking crazy? You're not getting any younger!" Caress your agent's inner thigh. "Oh come on, you can't resist me. It'll be fun. Besides, you're old now. I bet you're ready for something different, like me". You begin kissing her. "Come on, let's go upstairs". You follow her. You enter a bedroom where you both undress each other. You continue. "Well, I guess we're doing this then..". You begin touching yourself as well. "That was hot. Come here, let me hold you while I cum inside you". You finish penetrating her and then she grabs your cock. She pumps you full of jizz. "God damn, that felt good". You see her pull out a camcorder from behind the pillow and she says "The new acting gig that will make you famous is this homemade sex tape we just made!". You grab the camera and start filming. Afterwards, you hear a knock on your door. You open it, and it's your wife. "Brett! What the fuck did you do?! You're fired! We don't have a deal! How long has this been going on?!" "It's done, honey". You Your wife winks at you, and you realize she is in on the scheme. You call your wife a bad girl for questioning you and tell her she needs a spanking. > You try to reason with her "Look, I know you don't like me. That's fine, we can still be friends. But, I'm not gonna put my dick in your ass every chance I get. Now, let's just forget about this ever happening, alright?" Your wife looks at you like you just fucked her friend. "Fine", she says. The sex tape bombs, but the audio is a hit in the blind community and is nominated for a Grammy. You take your wife and your agent as your dates. Inside the auditorium you see a familiar face. It's Mason, with his popcorn cart. The two of you get closer to each other. Suddenly, you feel a hand on your dick. "Hey, you know how much I like your music, right?", Mason asks. "Yeah, yeah, I know. So, what's the plan?" "We're gonna play some music and then we're gonna fuck"., you reply. "Great!", Mason replies. You Mason pours hot butter on your crotch. Just then, you are called up to accept your Grammy. After accepting the award, you walk into the audience. The crowd goes wild when they see you. As soon as you reach the stage, you kiss your wife goodbye. Her eyes widen in surprise. Then, you turn around and run off with Mason. As you run away, you trip, and the Grammy flies up in the air. The audience gasps. This is the Academy Awards all over again. Michael McDonald dives and tries to catch the Grammy in his beard... but fails. Then, you notice your wife watching you from backstage. As soon as she sees you again, she runs after you. The pair of you run out of the theater, and you hear the applause for the movie. Your wife hugs you, and says "Thank God you didn't put anything in my food today".. You tell your wife, "Guess again," as your wife nods off. Michael McDonald lights a cigarette from the backseat. He then pulls out a lighter and blows smoke rings at your wife, before driving off. Ending A new film comes out, based on the life of Michael McDonald. The film makes a lot of money, so you sell the rights to a big studio. They hire you to star in a film based on your life. You agree. You read the contract and it stipulates there must be at least three totally nude scenes, and you must release the sound track straight to itunes without compensation. You consider it for a few days before making a decision. You decide to take the risk and sign the contract. You drive to a secluded location near the beach. You strip down to nothing, and lie on the sand. You listen to the soundtrack through headphones. You slowly start to move your hips, moaning loudly and groaning in ecstasy. You blow a huge load in less than ten minutes. You open your eyes and see Mason looking down at you. "Need some popcorn for that butter?" he asks you, winking at you. You: "I think I need more". Mason: "Sure man, whatever you got!" You: "Just one of those..". You go to the music store and see that there is a line outside the building to listen to your movie soundtrack. Everyone appears to be experiencing sexual ecstasy. You agent calls you and lets you know that you that your soundtrack is #1 on the charts and just went platinum overnight. You also learn that the film is set to be released in a couple months. In the meantime, you're getting ready for the next day. Your wife is still asleep, so you head upstairs to get yourself a little sleep. When you come back downstairs, your wife is awake. She tells you that you should stop by the local bar to pick up some beer. You stop at McDrinkey's to pick up some growlers, and your friends invite you to stay for a while. You agree. > You visit a Bar Your wife and friends invite you to join them at their favorite bar. You say yes. When you arrive, you find that everyone is drinking and dancing. You order a drink, which is followed by another. After a few hours pass, you begin to wonder if this is really worth it. You send Mason a drunk text that says "I miss you". He responds saying "Hahaha, yeah I do". Your wife texts you: "So, you're here now? We haven't seen you since yesterday" You: "Yeah, I guess so. Where did you guys go?" Wife: "Oh, we went to a party. Did you want to come too?" You: "Well, sure, why not?" You tell your wife you love Mason. "Go to him," she tells you. You leave the bar and get a Lyft to the abandoned popcorn factory where Mason lives. He seems pretty happy to see you. You park nearby, and head inside. Mason greets you in his living room. His wife is nowhere in sight. "How was work?" You ask. "It was good", he answers. "What about you?" You ask. "Me? Oh, me? Pretty good actually". "Do you have any plans for tonight?" You have a wild night of love making and popcorn with Mason. When you wake up in the morning next to Mason, you roll over and put your hand on his chest. Mason has passed away in the night. You run your hand across his face to close his eyelids, then you get out of bed and put on your shirt. Your wife wakes up and goes into her bedroom. You call her to come downstairs, but she refuses. "She doesn't like parties". You say. You look at the empty chair beside the couch. "We could make up something fun for tonight". You walk to the chair and sit down. Your wife walks in. "How was work?" You ask. You go to Mason's funeral. They scatter his ashes in a cornfield, next to a sign that says, "Some kernels are just meant to explode." You turn and head for home, with hot, buttered tears running down your face.
Brett Cruz, an actor who is being nominated for an academy award
Posted under Episode 110, Story On By Chief