Blain the mall cop

Posted under Episode 77, Story On By Chief

You are Blain the mall cop.  You are too quick to resort to using force and have been yelled at by your supervisor to just call the "real" police.

You see a woman stealing shoes and tell her to put them back. She doesn't and tells you "Make me you pussy mall cop!" and then she runs off.

> You go after her You follow the thief, but it is obvious that this isn't going to be easy. The woman is obviously much bigger than you and as you try to catch up with her, you realize that you don't really know where you are. It's like being lost in an unfamiliar city, or even worse, on a mission for the CIA.

You see the woman eating donuts at Tim Horton's and bust in the door to tell her to return the shoes or else.

She looks at you and says, "I'm not stealing from anyone, I was just having fun". She goes on to say that they were all fucking around when she stole them. This makes you angry, because you are a good person who would never steal from someone without their permission. You think about how you could arrest her if she continued to refuse to give it.

You get fed up with her insubordination and tackle her to the ground and wrestle the stolen shoes from her fat fingers.

The next day you are called into the manager's office. He asks why you didn't arrest her immediately and you explain that you thought you had caught her red handed. He tells you he will look into it and gives you his card. When you come back home later that night, you find out that the manager got fired for stealing from customers.

You for catching two criminals, and because the mall needs someone, you are promoted to head of security.

Years pass... Your life has changed for the better now that you work at the mall. You still haven't found love though, so you're content with what you've done for the company.

You see a cute girl at the food court and sit down next to her.

She seems nice enough, but you can tell she's only there to avoid getting kicked out of the mall by her boyfriend. Suddenly, you feel a hand grab your ass. "What the fuck are you doing?" she exclaims. "Nothing," you reply. "Well fuck you".

You tell her to leave her boyfriend and marry you. You get down on one knee and propose to her with a keyring from your belt.

Her eyes widen and she says yes. You kiss her goodbye and tell her to watch out for the mall cops, since they hate couples. A few years pass... A new boss comes along, and decides to fire everyone. You are one of the lucky ones that gets to keep your job. You are also given a promotion to head of security.

You come home after a long day at the mall to your wife. You tell her "war stories" about yelling at shoplifting teenagers.

You then ask if she wants to go to the movies tonight. She says sure, and you take her to see the latest Batman movie. After seeing it, she says she loves it, and kisses you goodbye. Years pass... Another new boss comes along and fires everyone. You are one of the lucky ones that keeps your job. You are also given a promotion to head of security.

You talk to your bosses boss about being put in charge of the mall. You tell them you've been coming here since you were a baby and no one knows it better than you do.

They agree and tell you to start bringing in more money. Years pass... A new CEO comes along and fires everyone. You are one of the lucky ones that keeps your job. You are also given a promotion to head of security. Your wife is pregnant with twins. You thank God that you married such a righteous woman.

You sneak into the next investors meeting for K-Mart and convince them to make you the new CEO.

They accept. Years pass... You meet another woman named Mary, and you both decide to get married. You plan on having children soon. A year passes... The new CEO dies suddenly. His death causes a power struggle amongst the other shareholders. You are the last holdout against the change. Your wife leaves you and marries a man named John.

You start a new Independent Security company for the mall and become the CEO and Head of Security at the same time.

Years pass... You meet another woman named Jane, and you both decide to get married. You plan on having children soon. A year passes... The new CEO dies suddenly. His death causes a power struggle among the other shareholders. You are the last holdout against the change. Your wife leaves you and marries a man named John.

You go to John's house and ask him why he is stealing all of your secret wives away from you.

He answers that he likes you. Years pass... You meet a young woman named Julie. You realize that you are going to be spending most of your life alone again. Years pass... You meet yet another woman named Tammy. You realize that you are going to be spending most of your life alone again. Years pass... You meet yet another woman named Brenda.

Your first wife gets jealous and plots to kill you.

You manage to escape by killing her and telling the police that she killed herself. Years pass... You meet yet another woman named Susan. You realize that you are going to be spending most of your life alone again. Years pass... You meet yet another woman named Barbara. You realize that you are going to be spending most of your life alone again. Years pass...

You are sitting at home by the fireplace, with a scotch, looking at his 20 Head of Security plagues and fondly remembering your days of justice and crime fighting.

Suddenly, you hear a knock on the door. It's the head of security. He asks if you want to join him.

You say "Here we go again!"

The head of security says "I'm glad to finally have an opening for someone who isn't afraid to use violence".