Are there Monks on Maaaaaars? – You are BooBoo, a monk living in a human colony on Mars.

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are BooBoo, a monk living in a human colony on Mars.

Michael is your lover and you're about to get married. Michael is the only other person who knows what happened at the convent. He's been avoiding you ever since he found out that you were there.

You have to figure out what to do about Michael.  If he tells anyone about what happened at the convent, you will be outcast from the colony.
 But if he doesn't tell anyone... then what? Are you going to let him go back to his old life without telling him? You don't know how much longer you can stay away from him.

You meet up with Yogi, your ex-boyfriend who wants to steal all the picnic baskets on Mars.
 After you beat him senseless, he admits that it was Michael who told him where to find them. So that explains why Michael had been avoiding you.
But now that you know this information, you might as well confront Michael.

You know one way to stop Michael from revealing your secret:
 murder!  You think of an excuse to kill Michael before he has a chance to talk again. Maybe you'll just make up some story about catching him stealing picnic baskets or something like that.
Michael goes to work early today because he thinks the boss is angry with him.

You decide to push the button.

Michael is sitting in his office at the newspaper when the door bursts open and you rush inside. "What the hell are you doing here?" Michael demands.
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," you reply.

You push the button in front of Michael and suddenly
 you're back in the asylum.
The two nuns stare at you, their eyes widening with shock. The nun closest to you whispers, "You've killed her!"
Her voice echoes loudly through the empty corridors.

You realize that you can't keep killing and run off into the Mars mountains to meditate in solitude.

After a few days of meditation, you come to an important realization: You must not harm another being unless they ask for help. Otherwise, you will be condemned to eternal suffering.
You take this new rule seriously and try to live by it.

A young man asks you to help with his space bike and you
He takes you to the desert and tests your skills against some local bullies.
The leader of the gang challenges you: "Your girlfriend cheated on you, huh? Well, we'll see who cheats who first."

You resist your insatiable urge to kill all of these bullies.
 Instead, you punch the leader in the face. His nose bleeds and he falls down.
The other bullies flee, crying.
You leave the desert and head towards the sea. You can hear the waves crashing below you.

You level up and gain the following monk powers:

Invulnerability. Your body is impervious to pain, injury, and disease.
Gravity Manipulation. You can manipulate gravity in order to float, slow time, propel objects, or make yourself lighter or heavier.

An angel appears.
 It looks like an older version of you except with wings.
You explain that you want to become a monk, but the angel informs you that you cannot become an initiate until you have completed the Trial of Knowledge.

The angel tells you how to complete the Trial of Knowledge:

1) Read every book in the library.
2) Find out which books contain true knowledge.
3) Learn everything contained within those books.
4) Complete the Trial of Knowledge.

You learn the following interesting events that happened with the convent on Mars:

A group of monks stole the picnic baskets from the monastery, including yours.
Michael had been working at the paper when he realized that one of the baskets belonged to a woman named Mary.
Mary had been sent to the convent after she was caught having sex.

Michael went to the convent to find Mary's basket, but the other monks attacked him.
One of the monks was an ex-lover of Michael's.
Michael stabbed the ex-lover with a knife and fled the scene.

You find a book that truly resonates with you: an Old Dusty book in the library titled "How I raised killer chickens"

This book contains a recipe for chicken soup:
Chicken Soup:
Take 3 dozen eggs. Separate the whites and the yolks. Boil the yolks in water until they turn dark red.

You read the next 10 steps:

Add 2 quarts of cream.
Remove from heat and add 1/4 cup of salt.
Stir vigorously, then let cool.
Then strain the mixture through cheesecloth.
You're almost done with the trial!

You bring the burnt creamy chicken sauce to the beach where you saw the angel and present it to the sea.  The angel reappears.

It says "You are ready to begin the final trial."
The ocean rises up and swallows the pot.
You emerge from the ocean wearing a white robe.
The angel tells you "You have completed the Trial of Knowledge.

The angel also gives you a lifetime supply of Cheese Cloth.

You give the angel a hug and thank it for its advice.
The angel tells you "You are welcomed to my abbey."
The angel disappears.
You arrive at the Abbey of the Angels.

You walk in and see
 dozens of angels flying around and playing instruments.
They greet you warmly.
There is a large table with a chessboard on it.
The angel tells you "The Abbot has asked me to teach you how to play chess."

You smack the chessboard off the table and say, "Nah, I'm good!"

The angel gives you a stern look. "Chess is a game of strategy and skill that takes years to master."
The angel points out that you can't even move the pawns correctly.

You use your gravity powers to move the angels like chess pieces.

The angel becomes enraged and shouts, "That's cheating!"
"Yeah, well, whatcha gonna do about it?" you reply.
The angel flies back to the chess board and takes control of the pieces.

You use your gravity powers to crush the chess board exploding it into tiny wooden splinters.

The angel tries to attack you with its sword, but you dodge easily.
The angel swings its sword at you again, but you grab the hilt and rip it out of the angel's hand.

You belt out a badass one liner:
 "Bring it on, baby, 'cause I'm a real man!"
The angels cheer.
The angel becomes enraged, and starts to fly at you. You duck under the swing of the angel's sword and stab it in the chest with your knife.

Suddenly you sink into the ground and are sent to Hell.

The Devil comes to you and says, "Oh, great Satan, I hope you're ready for your punishment."
You say, "No problem, dude! Bring it on!"
The Devil takes off his cloak and reveals that he is naked underneath.

You mud wrestle the Devil.

The Devil beats you badly and throws you into a lake of fire.
You wake up in a cell with Michael.
Michael says, "Welcome to Hell."
You exclaim, "Hey, buddy!
 How'd you get here?"
Michael replies, "I didn't ask for any of this."
You ask what you did wrong.
Michael says, "You're the reason I'm stuck here."

Out of boredom, you challenge Michael to a ladder match for an imaginary title belt.

You start climbing the side of Michael's cell.
Michael tries to climb up your body, but he slips and falls back down.
Michael gets up and starts climbing again.
You reach the top and pull the belt out of thin air.

You realize this belt gives you the ability to
 freeze people like ice cream.
You throw the belt at Michael.
He catches it and realizes what is happening. He freezes the belt in midair.
You use your gravity powers to knock Michael down the side of the cell wall.

Michael begins to turn into ice cream.

You use your gravity powers to launch the frozen chunks of Michael at the guards.
One of the guards turns into an ice cube and melts in seconds.
The other guard falls unconscious.  You use your gravity powers to crush the ice cube.

You freeze over Hell with all the demons turned ice cream.

The Devil comes running up to you, shouting "What the hell is going on here?!"
You tell him, "The answer is simple: I'm better than you."
The Devil says, "Are you sure?"

You challenge the Devil to an ice cream eating competition.

You eat so much ice cream that you become sick and vomit everywhere.
The Devil grabs your ice cream tub and runs away.
The Devil says, "I'm sure glad I never tried to make ice cream!"

You turn the Devil's legs into ice cream and declare yourself victor!

The Devil throws you into a volcano.
The Devil says, "Okay, okay! I surrender!"
The Devil says, "Wait, wait! What did he do?"
A priest comes up to you and says, "You must repent for your sins!"

You reply with another bad ass one liner:
 "Fuck off!"
The Devil laughs and says, "Well played."
You enter the church and see the Devil sitting next to God.
You say, "Hi, guys!"
God says, "Where the hell have you been?"

You say, "The Devil already made that joke.  Very hacky, God..."

God says, "Very well. You shall be punished for your blasphemy."
The Devil puts you in a room with only a bed and a toilet.
The Devil says, "Sorry about the accommodations, kid."

You turn your bed and toilet into ice cream.

The Devil screams and runs away.
The Devil tells you, "Please don't eat me! I'm still useful!"
You laugh.  Then you say, "You're the one that ate my ice cream."

You ask the devil, "What use can some useless demon be to someone as powerful as me?"

The Devil smiles. "I can help you defeat God!"
You jump onto the Devil's shoulders and shout, "Let's go kick God's ass!"
You and the Devil jump into a portal and find yourself standing in front of God's throne room.

You and the Devil prepare for a long battle to the death with God.

The Devil says, "First, we need a weapon. Let's destroy the world."
You and the Devil step into a portal and find yourselves at the edge of the universe.
The Devil says, "We're too late!
 God already used his magic to create the entire universe!"
You sigh. "I guess there's no point in destroying the universe now..."
The Devil says, "Wait, wait! There is something we can do."

You turn back into ice cream and float into a portal.
You find yourself in God's throne room.
The Devil says, "Here we are! Ready to fight God?"
God says, "Not quite yet.

You charge and attack anyway!

You beat God in a fair fight!
You beat God in a dirty fight!
You beat God in a kung fu fight!
You beat God in a fistfight!
You beat God in a rock-paper-scissors contest!

You tell God, "It doesn't matter what we battle, I will always win!"

God says, "Fine. I'll go outside and play with my friends."
God takes a portal and leaves Hell.
You are back in the church.
The Devil says, "God doesn't have any friends, so he just left us here to roast in eternal damnation!"