You are Greg, a guy who's stuck in traffic. You're not going anywhere fast today. It seems like every time you get to the front of one line or another, there's someone behind you waiting for their turn. And that doesn't seem fair somehow. You try to stick your neck out of the window and see what is holding up traffic, then you spot it: an accident on the highway ahead. A semi has jackknifed across three lanes; a truck hauling cattle lies broken down beside them with its trailer crumpled against the guardrail. The cars around you have stopped to avoid hitting anything else... The cattle have gone mad and started to stampede traffic. You get out of your car and start to run away. But then you hear something—a low rumble from somewhere above you. You look up at the sky just as two jets streak overhead heading east. One lands near where the cattle are still stampeding; they scatter like startled deer when the jet explodes into flames. You watch the other plane circle back west toward San Francisco before disappearing over the horizon. What was that? What happened? Are those things real? You notice a pile of Cory from AIPD's clothes in the road and hide under them to get away from the cattle. After a few minutes, everything calms down enough for you to crawl out and check if anyone's hurt. You find her lying unconscious in the middle of the street with blood streaming from her head. You ask the woman her name, and she tells you "Jenny." Jenny says she's okay but needs help getting home. She asks you to drive her to the nearest hospital. You do so, stopping only once to buy some bandages and a bottle of water from a gas station. You get to hospital, but the doors are locked! On the window, you see a sign: HOSPITAL FULL - CATTLE ATTACK! GO AWAY! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING! "This is bullshit!" You shout at the door. "Open up!" An orderly comes out and grabs your arm. Jenny manages to sneak past the orderly and runs into the hospital. The orderly lets go of you and slams the door in your face. It looks like Jenny's all right now. You think about calling Amy, but decide against it. There are too many weird things happening lately. Maybe she'll call you later. But what will happen to Jenny? You sleep outside the hospital and wait for Jenny to be released. You get some food from a vending machine and eat by the entrance. When Jenny finally walks out, you follow her to her apartment building. She goes inside, and you follow her upstairs. You knock on the door, but no one answers. You leave a note for Jenny with your phone number attached. You hope she reads it. Then you go home and lock yourself in your room. A few days later, Jenny calls you up. "Hi," she says. "I read your note. I'm sorry we didn't answer the door." "That's okay," you say. "How are you feeling?" "Good," she says. "Thanks for asking." You both laugh nervously. You blurt out, "So Jenny, are you single?" She laughs again. "No, silly! We've been dating for a while. Why?" "Oh," you say. "Well, I guess I thought you might want to go out with me sometime." Jenny says, "Sure, as friends, but I have a fiance and he is great." You can't believe how relieved you feel. Then Jenny asks, "Hey, why don't you come over tonight? He's not home. Just the two of us. Okay?" You say, "Okay. You arrive at Jenny's with a bottle of wine. She pours you each a glass. You sit down on the couch together and drink your wine. You start talking about your day, and she tells you hers. They talk about their jobs and their families. Jenny mentions that her fiance is a doctor and that he works late nights. You tell Jenny that you're an engineer, that you work in the same building as her fiancé. "He's not home tonight?" She nods and then you ask, "your house looks like a dump. when do you clean your place?" "Oh, well," she says. "We had a big party last night and I haven't cleaned up yet." "So you had a party?" "Yes, my sister came over from out of town. She brought her boyfriend and his friend." "Did they stay the whole night?" Jenny laughs. "No, but they stayed until dawn." You say, "Wow. That's pretty late." You are not sure if Jenny is in to you, but you try to make a move and lean in for a kiss. "Whoa!" She stops you. "I'm sorry, I just remembered. My fiance is coming home soon." "Oh, okay," you say. "Sorry." "It's okay, I'll see you tomorrow." You are about to head out the door when you turn around and say, "it's not cheating if your Friends first You know?" "Yeah, I guess," she says. You walk out the door and back to your apartment. You get ready for bed, but you can't sleep. You keep thinking about Jenny. You arrive at Jenny's place the next day and are greeted at the door by her fiance. "Hi," he says. "I'm Dr. Adam Jones." "Hi, I'm Tim," you say. "Nice to meet you." Adam leads you to the living room where Jenny is sitting on the couch. Adam says, "Your friend Tim is here!" Jenny looks confused and you admit to her, "I lied, I don't want him to know my real name is Greg." "Oh, okay," Jenny says. "Come on in." You sit down next to Jenny on the couch and you guys chat for a bit. "So," Adam says. "What do you two do for fun?" You say, "uhh....." and Jenny makes something up and says, "We are in the same coed soccer league!" Adam says, "Oh, cool! So you play soccer?" "Yeah, we're both on the varsity team," Jenny says. "I'm on the junior varsity," you say. "Cool," Adam says. "So what are you two doing this weekend?" Jenny tells him that she has to work. You say, "I could probably use some company." Adam tells you that he is free and down to hangout. Great! Now you are hanging out with your crush's boyfriend, how could things get any worse? Jenny says, "Oh, okay." You both say good-bye to Jenny and Adam leaves. Now alone with Jenny, you ask, "So, what do you want to do?" You think about this, and you want to do the right thing. So your rush out to the driveway and ask Adam before he leaves for work, "Mr. Jones, I like Jenny a lot. I want you to dump her, so I can begin a relationship with her. Are you okay with that?" Adam says, "Greg, you have no idea how much I love Jenny. But if you truly care about her, then you should be honest with her." You say, "Okay, Mr. Jones. " You go back inside and tell Jenny how you really feel about her. She hugs you and kisses you. She tells you that she wants to take things slow, but that it feels nice to finally be able to tell someone how she feels. You ask her to dinner and she agrees. Dinner goes exceptionally well. Jenny laughs at all your jokes and anecdotes and you connect on a level you have never experienced before. You go home with Jenny and try to make a move, but Adam is home! You try again the next night, but Adam is home. The third night, you are determined to make a move. You are waiting outside Jenny's house when Adam pulls up. He gets out of the car and walks up to you, and you say, "Hey." Adam tells you that he is into being cucked and wants you to sleep with Jenny while he watches. You say, "I'm not gay." Adam says, "I'm not asking you to be gay, Greg. Just let me watch." You say, "Well, okay, but only because I want to show you what it's like to fuck a girl." You and Jenny and Adam head to the bedroom, but this feels exceptionally awkward. You say, "Do you want me to leave?" Jenny says, "No, I want you to stay." You say, "Then you will need to put on something sexy." Jenny puts on a clown suit. You ask Adam, "Is this going to work?" Adam says, "Yes, I think so." You say, "I'm not sure." Jenny says, "Let's do this." Adam puts on a leather mask and ball gag and hops into a dog cage in the corner of the room. Jenny begins a performance as a clown making dirty balloon animals and crude hand gestures. You are very confused, but you don't want to kink shame, so you play along. After a few minutes, Adam starts squirming in his cage. Jenny says, "Heeey, baby, is everything okay?" Adam moans through the gag. You say, "He seems to be enjoying himself." You hear a noise come from the closet. You open the closet and see a CBT Wizard. Jenny says, "Oh my god, look at that thing! It looks so real!" You say, "It's a sex toy." Jenny says, "I can't believe I'm actually fucking this." You watch as Jenny grind on the real doll of this strange old wizard character. You try to get in on the action. You say, "I want to fuck Jenny too." Jenny says, "Oh, honey, I want you to fuck me." You grab the doll and start pounding Jenny. Adam yells, "Fuuuuck!" You see a maid outfit in the closet and put it on. Jenny says, "Fuck me harder, baby." You do. Adam yells, "Oooohhh, yes." You continue to pound Jenny. Adam yells, "I'm gonna cum." Suddenly that rage filled cattle burst into the bedroom and begin to trample everyone inside. You turn around and see Adam standing there naked and covered in blood. Adam screams, "Please don't hurt me, please!" You realize that you have been trampled by a herd of angry cows. The angry cows notice the real doll of the CBT wizard and are pacified. You slowly grab Adam and the badly injured Jenny and slink out of the room. Outside, you see a police car arrive and the cops quickly arrest you. You are taken away to jail where they strip you naked and place you in solitary confinement. A week later, you are brought before a judge. The judge lists all of the sexual atrocities you have committed including bestialities because of the cows. You plead "Not Guilty". You await the jury's decision. Jury deliberations take two days. On the second day, the jury finds you guilty of all charges. The judge sentences you to life in prison without the possibility of parole. You say, "I'm sorry, Jenny. You realize that courtroom dramas are somehow also part of Jenny and Adams kink as they are making out with the judge as you are being carried off to prison. They both laugh and kiss. End of Book One. * * * To read the first chapter of book two: Click here. "It was just an innocent prank." Next time on "Angry Cows Caused Me To Join a Weird Sex Party": Greg is finally released from prison. He tries to go back to normal life, but things keep getting weirder and stranger. Can he reclaim his old life? Will he ever be able to find happiness again?