Allen, an optometrist, notices a dog with beautiful eyes

Posted under Episode 31, Story On By Chief

You are on your way home. You notice a stray dog that has beautiful eyes. You begin to pet it when...

You continue.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you did this!" "I just wanted to make sure the dog was okay". "But how? How could you do such a thing?" "It's not like he attacked me! He didn't even bark at me or anything!"

You Give the dog an eye exam.

It seems fine. You give him some food as well. The next day, you see him again. This time, he does something else other than look at you funny. He runs up to you and licks your face. You stand there in shock for about two seconds before: You run over and grab his head and pull it off of yourself. Then you start eating the rest of him.

You Realize the dog's owner is psychic, apologize for eating her dog.

She says she doesn't mind. She tells you she'll be seeing you around.

You go to the pound to meet more dogs.

There are so many you don't know where to put them all. So you decide to keep one each. One of these dogs is named Pup. It looks very hungry. You feed him too. The next day, you find out that the owner of this dog is psychic. She notices you're feeding the dog and goes over to talk to you.

You Ask the psychic to tell you your future.

The Psychic replies "Well, what do you think will happen today?"

You say "no, you".

The Psychic then asks "What would you want to happen?" You reply "NO!". The Psychic says "OK, OK, I get it now". And disappears into thin air.

You Sign up at the local community college for a class on how to disappear into thin air.

> You take a course in disappearing into thin air You sign up for a class called "How To Disappear Into Thin Air". You learn that if you really want to vanish into thin air, you need only ask the teacher. When you arrive at the classroom, the teacher greets you warmly. He takes your hand and leads you through the door.

You go through the door and disappear into thin air.

> A few days later... A week passes and you still haven't seen the psychic. You've been trying to contact her but you have no luck. You wonder if maybe she's dead. Maybe she got killed by someone who found out she had powers. Or perhaps she's just busy. It isn't like anyone is going to pay attention to you anyway.

You do a wellness check of the psychic and bring her some flowers.

Nothing happens. You try another test. You hide a piece of paper inside a flower pot. You wait until nightfall and then sneak back outside and open the door. You drop the flower pot on the ground and pick it up. Inside is a note saying "Dear Psychic, I'm sorry I couldn't help you". You read the note and realize that the psychic must have gotten herself killed.

You perform the second test.

You place a small object on top of a large rock. You wait until nightfall and then climb down the rock and open the door. There sits a tiny little box. Inside is a letter. Written in red ink, it reads: Dear Psychic, I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I hope you understand that I am unable to communicate with others.

You realize you are the psychic and that disappearing into thin air has body swapped you like Freaky Friday.

> You leave town You decide to stay in town. You live alone and work as a handyman. You never really felt comfortable anywhere else. But you always wondered why people were afraid of you. Why they thought you could kill them. They probably knew nothing about you except what you told them. People were scared because they didn't know what kind of person you were.

You Hire a publicist to change your scary image.

Your new career begins to gain popularity. One year after leaving town, you are given a chance to visit a psychic in New York City. You agree to go. When you arrive, the psychic is sitting in front of a big table covered in papers. She smiles at you and waves you over.

You reveal to the world what kind of person you really are.

A month later, you receive a call from the psychic. She wants to speak with you. "Hello, Mr. Smith". "Hi, I'm here right now". "So, you're ready to become famous?" "Yes, I guess I am". "Good. Now let's get started..".

You become famous and loved by all, give a conference talk about being a handyman to 2000 fans.

You even make enough money to buy a house. But suddenly, you lose everything. You can't afford to fix anything anymore. You sell most of your possessions and move into a cheap hotel room. You spend every day wondering when you're going to die. One day, you wake up. You hear voices coming from downstairs. You walk over to investigate.

You continue.

> You enter the basement... "Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? Get away from there!" You turn around and see two men holding guns pointing directly at you. One of them grabs you and throws you against the wall. The other man pulls out a knife and stabs you repeatedly in the neck.

You plug the neck wound.

"Ohhh... ohh..". You slowly gasp for breath. You look up at the two men standing before you. One of them holds a pistol pointed at your head while the other one holds a knife to your throat. "I don't believe it". One of them says. "This is real life, not some movie or book".

You convince the man this is a book.

You tell him he should keep quiet while you explain things to the other man. The man nods and tells his friend to stop stabbing you. You finish explaining to the man what happened. He looks at you strangely. "Well, we'll be sure to remember this moment". he says. "Let me show you something". Suddenly, both men grab their knives and run off.

You Revive yourself by eating a can of dog meat you have in your pocket.

You feel better immediately.

You find Bluto and kick his ass.

The next day, you are approached by a couple of guys. They ask you where you learned such tricks. "It was my uncle". You say. "He taught me how to use a gun properly". They laugh. "Yeah, yeah, whatever kid. We heard about you from our boss. He said you'd be great for us".

You Shoot the guys and tell them, "I'm my own boss, chumps.".

One week later, you receive a phone call. It's your Uncle Ed. He asks if you want to join him on a trip to Alaska. "Sure", you reply. A few days later, you board a plane to Alaska. After several weeks of traveling through the wilderness, you finally reach a city called Nome.

You sell your fresh bear meat at the local trading post.

Soon, you have made enough money to purchase a cabin. You begin living there and spending more time with your girlfriend named Julie. Two years pass...

You Ask Julie, "Where is this relationship going?".

"We've been together for three years. We just broke up last week". "Why did you break up with me?", you ask her. "Because you turned out to be a liar and a thief!", she replies. "What do you mean?" you ask. "When you first met me, you seemed nice. Then you lied about who you were talking to on the phone".

You Call Uncle Ed, ask him for relationship advice.

"Hey, son, you need to learn that lying isn't cool. Lies ruin relationships. Just because someone has feelings for you doesn't mean they want to hurt you. If you ever meet anyone you think might hurt you, RUN AWAY!". Julie gets mad and storms off. You try to console her. "She must have had bad experience with liars"., you say.

You tell her a lie to make her feel better.

Julie comes back home. "That guy wasn't a liar, he was a drug addict and a rapist"., she exclaims. "Hmm, sounds like me"., you think as you sit down to write a letter to Julie. Two months later, you receive a phone call. It's Julie. "Son, I know you're upset about losing your job".

You Tell Julie she should have never trusted an optometrist.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anybody"., she says. Three days later, Julie calls again. This time you answer. "Son, I really hate to bother you but.."., you start to say. "But why didn't you tell me sooner?", she interrupts. You Answer Julie, "Because I couldn't trust you with the truth".

You tell Julie the real truth.

She cries. "Thank God.."., she thinks. Five minutes later, Julie hangs up. A month passes... Two years since you started working at the Trading Post. You haven't seen Julie in so long. You wonder what will happen now. Will you still work here? Maybe you could get another job somewhere else. Or maybe you should go back to school.

You find out Julie was actually Julie Newmar, the original catwoman, and try to work things out.

> You continue working at the Trading Post After all these years, you decide to stay at the Trading Post. You spend your free time playing games on your computer. Sometimes, you even visit Julie's house. She lives alone and seems happy. A year goes by... Three years since you joined the Trading Post. You have become quite popular among the customers.

You write Julie a long letter full of truths and lies.

Four months later, Julie calls you. "Hello, Son". You answer. "Hi Julie, I missed calling you..".. "Oh come on, its only been four months! I thought you two got along pretty well when we worked together at the Trading Post!" "Ha ha, no way, I hated you"., you reply.

You Send Julie a dog meat fruitcake for Christmas.

Five months later, Julie calls you again. "Hello, Son". You answer. "Hi Julie, I miss calling you."... "Oh come on, its only been four months! I thought you two got along pretty well when we worked together at the Trading Post!"..".Ha ha, no way, I hated you""., you reply".

You say "Hey Julie, that fruitcake you liked so much? IT WAS DOG MEAT JULIE!".

Julie laughs. "Well, I guess it IS funny..".,, you think as you hang up. Six months later, Julie calls you again. "Hello, Son". You answer. "Hi Julie, I miss calling you".... "Oh come on, its only been four months! I thought you two got along pretty well when we worked together at the Trading Post!"..

You post posters around town with a picture of julie's face and a caption that says "DOGMEAT JULIE".

Six months later, Julie calls you again. "Hello, Son". You answer. "Hi Julie, I miss calling you"... "Oh come on, its only been four months! I thought you two got along pretty well when we worked together at the Trading Post!"..".Ha ha, no way, I hated you""., you reply. Seven months later, Julie calls you again".

You eat all the dogs in the Iditarod and blame on Dogmeat Julie.

Well, I'm sorry Son, but you can't win.."."., you answer. Eight months later, Julie calls you again. "Hello, Son". You answer. "Hi Julie, I miss calling you..".,... "Oh come on, its only been four months! I thought you two got along pretty well when we worked together at the Trading Post!"", you reply".

You move back to the city.

You live there for good this time""., she tells you. A year later, you leave the Trading Post. The people who used to work there don't understand why you left, but eventually accept it.

You burn the trading post and blame it on Dogmeat Julie.

A year after leaving the Trading Post, you finally meet Julie once more. She has changed somewhat from when you last saw her. Her hair is longer now, and she wears glasses. You ask if she ever gets tired of being called "Dog Meat Julie". She answers "No, not anymore". You give each other a hug and kiss goodbye.

You say "Julie, ypu purrrrfect".

The End