Alf starts a Cow Business

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Winston, a CEO of a highly successful Cow Business.
 Your company is the largest in your country and one of the most profitable on Earth. It employs thousands who live better than kings. But it does not do well financially unless you give them what they need to function effectively as human beings.

You decide to stop treating your employees like cows and give them
 a vacation from work. They will be allowed time off for any purpose except "recreational." This includes sex with another person or animal.
Your daughter brings home a stray cat that she names Mr. Mittens.

You tell your daughter that Mr Mittens is alright, but Mrs Hoovenstein - a baby calf you brought home as a gift - is way better.
 She can stay at home all day long and still have fun because there's nothing more boring than sitting around doing absolutely nothing. So you make her promise never to play with the cat again. Ever.

You notice cat food in the cabinet.  You suspect your daughter is lying to you and has secretly kept the cat on the farm.
 After all, why would anyone feed an ungrateful creature? When your daughter leaves for college, you take over feeding Mr Mittens. He seems very pleased by this development.
It takes some effort to get him used to eating dry food instead of canned cat food.

At first, you hate Mr Mittens existence.  But over time, you grow of him and even try having Mr Mittens play with your prized cow Mrs Hoovenstein.
 To your surprise, he actually enjoys being with her. In fact, they seem to get along quite well together.
The two of them spend their days rolling about in the pasture or chasing each other through the barnyard.

Your daughter graduates college and buying an apartment in the big city.  She comes back and trys to take Mr Mittens, but you object!

She insists that he must come with her. You refuse.
After much pleading and cajoling, she finally gets you to agree to let her keep him until after Christmas. Then you hear a funny noise coming from your daughter's room.
 Curious, you peek inside and see Mr Mittens munching happily away on your daughter's latest boyfriend.
You are furious. What kind of mother allows her child to bring home such filth?

You also notice a picture of Alf kidnapping Mr. Mittens. He wants to eat Mr. Mittens!

You storm into your daughter's room and grab him. You tell her to leave town immediately.
"What?" She says. "But I'm trying to save my life!"
"Don't talk to me like that," you say.

Mr Mittens is safe for now, but later that night you are awoken by a sound in the kitchen.  You rush downstairs in your pajamas and see Alf standing in your kitchen with a can of wet cat food.

He looks up at you and smiles.
"I heard you were looking for me," he says.
You grab him and throw him out onto the lawn.
"How dare you show your face here?"

Alf gets back up and takes a fighting stance.

"Well," he says. "I've got a couple things to say to you..."
You feel a wave of relief wash over you. Maybe you can reason with him. Maybe he'll listen.

"...First, I know what you're thinking."
You look at him in confusion.
"You think you can just steal my best friend away from me, don't you?"
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking," you say.

"No, no, no!" He says. "You've been thinking about it since we first met. You're jealous because I have a special bond with Mr Mittens. You want to hurt me so bad you can taste it."

You offer Alf a high paying job at your Cow Business.

"I know you're good at business," you say. "But you need someone to help you run your company."
Alf laughs.
"So you're saying I should work for you?
 Like you? You're crazy if you think I'd ever put up with your crap."
"Well, you could work for me," you say.
"Like hell I will!"
"Look, I don't care how you get the money.
 Just pay me whatever you need to keep Mr Mittens."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, yes! Please! I'll do anything you ask."
Alf thinks about it.

Alf refuses and attempts to eat Mr Mittens in front of you.  Suddenly the barn doors burst open and Mrs Hoovenstein charges to help Mr Mittens and tramples Alf.

"Oh, dear," you say. "I guess I shouldn't have asked."
You offer Alf one million dollars to take Mr Mittens and move far away.
"Okay, okay," he says.

Alf takes your million dollar and starts a rival Cow Business on the west coast.
 He calls his new company Mr Mittens Enterprises and hires your daughter as his office manager.
Over time, you start to worry about your daughter. She seems happy and fulfilled working for Mr Mittens, but you fear she may be becoming too dependent on him.

Your profits begin to drop.  Mr Mittens becomes a household name.  You need to think fast and you try to rebrand your Cow Business with an animal mascot that you name:

You make some changes to your product line and the market begins to recover.
One day, you receive a letter from Alf telling you he has found a way to cure Mr Mittens.

You suspect this letter is a trap, but you meet with Alf late one night at the Slaughterhouse.

Alf tells you that he has perfected a process that can create an artificial version of Mr Mittens.
"It's perfect!" Alf says. "We'll never have to worry about losing him again!"

You scream, "But it goes against NATURE Alf!  I miss Mr Mittens, but everything dies eventually.  You've gone absolutely bonkers if you think creatures deserve to live forever!"

"Listen," Alf says. "You've always wanted to control people, right? Well, now you can! All you have to do is convince them that they love Mr Mittens more than they love themselves!"

You notice you are standing on a walkway suspended over the industrial meat grinders.  You think fast and toss Alf into the grind below!  Alf hurts his leg, but is still alive.

"Ha!" You laugh. "Now you're going to die like all the rest of us!"
You decide to send your daughter to visit Alf in prison.
You give her a box of Mr Mittens plush toys.

Next time on "Alf's Shark Tank":

She arrives at the prison and meets Alf.
"Hello," he says. "I'm your father."
You hear screaming and see a guard running towards you with a chainsaw.
You jump in front of your daughter and shield her with your body.

The guard cuts through your stomach.
"Oh, shit," you say.
You watch as the guard pulls out a bloody knife and stabs your daughter.