INT. A UFC Octagon
Alf is dressed up in MMA gear and is fighting Connor McGregor. The crowd is cheering for Alf.
Your moves are sloppy Connor, you'll never defeat me like that!
I'm the best at what I do!
The referee stops the fight as the two fighters glare at each other.
Connor looks scared and breaks his own leg. The ref ends the match and raises Alf's hand as the victor!
Alf wakes up and realizes that he fell asleep on the couch while watching a UFC fight.
He has no idea how long he slept but it was pretty late. His eyes feel heavy so he decides to get some sleep before work tomorrow morning.
INT. School Cafeteria
Alf arrives at work and continues to daydream about fighting in the UFC. Lunch Lady Beth tells Alf to focus and that Alf needs to make all the meat loaf today.
LUNCH LADY BETH
You need to concentrate on your job Mr. Anderson or else there will be consequences.
Alf walks into the meat freezer and begins punching the beer like Rocky.
Rocky beat this fat fucker who was trying to steal his girlfriend!
Alf lands a solid uppercut on the hunk of beef and the beef explodes.
Blood sprays everywhere from the severed arteries.
Alf turns around with blood dripping down his face. It takes him a second to realize that he just killed someone.
Alf notices a pair of children's reading glasses and realizes that Little Billy Thompkins must have been hiding in the hunk of beef he just obliterated.
Oh my God, I can't believe I killed someone!
He grabs the corpse by its feet and drags it out of the freezer.
LUNCH LADY BETH
Sorry Mr Anderson, did you saying something?
Alf quickly tries to hide the bottom in a stack of ground beef.
I was just pretending I was Rocky! Nothing suspicious here! No dead kids today, nope!
Alf tosses the body over his shoulder and rushes back towards the door. As he runs past lunch lady Beth she reaches out her arm to stop him.
LUNCH LADY BETH
Trying to steal meat, huh?
Beth takes the body and put's it into the meat grinder to turn Little Billy into little burgers. Alf looks shocked, but is happy the evidence is gone.
Mr. Anderson, we're ready for our next class now.
Alf takes off his lunch lady outfit and puts on his swim cap to go teach gym class.
EXT. GYM CLASS - DAY
Little Billy is sitting in the front row during Alf's lecture.
Alf rubs his eyes and realizes he is hallucinating. The guilt is causing Alf to see Little Billy everywhere.
ALF (to himself)
No, this isn't happening again.
Alf notices that the students are looking at him funny.
I'm fine! Everyone in the pool and start doing laps!
How many laps Mr Anderson?
Til I tell you to stop!
The girls laugh at Alf's predicament.
Stop laughing you stupid bitches!
Alf realizes he screamed this just as Principal Agatha walked into the gym to see how he was doing.
Mr Anderson, my office immediately!
INT. Principal's Office
Alf is nervously twiddling his thumbs as Agatha bursts into the office and slams the door shut.
What happened to your eye Mr Anderson?!
Agatha looks at the blood on Alf's face.
It's just ketchup!
Agatha doesn't believe him and with her finger wipes some blood off and gives it a sniff.
This is... blood?!
Just some ketchup from the cafeteria. Please don't make a big deal about it!
Agatha doesn't believe him, but moves on to more pressing matters.
First you screaming at kids and now I find out that Little Billy is missing. What an awful day...
Yes, it has been quite the nightmare.
Please, let me handle the rest of it.
Agatha puts Alf in charge of the murder investigation.
She then calls for the police.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should call the FBI.
Oh God no! This could get really bad.
Alf dials a pizza place and pretends to talk to the FBI.
Yeah 1 dead kid, can you believe it? Please send help to the school! Thanks!
Alf hangs up and sighs.
I am so screwed.
Alf grabs the phone and calls his wife, Betsy.
Betsy I am in big trouble! I killed a kid accidentally!
But I was just pretending I was Rocky!
Oh God, please come home.
Alf waits for Betsy to pick up the phone.
Alf realizes too late that he was talking to an answering machine and now he must rush home to get rid of the evidence.
EXT. ALF'S HOUSE - DAY
Alf runs through the front yard and into the house.
Hey baby, I'm back. I have a huge problem!
Alf runs to the basement and drops his bag.
Oh God, I just killed someone!
Alf? Is everything okay?
Betsy answers the door and sees her husband covered in blood.
Alf, what's going on?
Alf tells Besty everything and tells the truth. He rushes to the answering machine and smashes it to bits.
Alf, are you sure you're alright?
Alf runs upstairs and into the bathroom.
Alf gives himself a new haircut and dyes his hair black, like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive.
Then he puts on his swim cap and his lunch lady outfit.
Betsy, we need to leave town right away!
Betsy agrees and her and Alf move to start their new life in
Alf and Betsy are driving down the highway.
I've never done anything illegal before!
Betsy is in tears.
Alf tries to comfort her and realizes that his guilt is causing him to see the world in sepia tones.
I'm sorry honey.