EXT. Beach on the sands of Hawaii
Alf is sitting on the beach wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping a may thai. Willie steps out of a cabana changing room and is horrifically sunburnt.
WILLIE
I don't know what happened, I put sunscreen everywhere...
ALF
Willie I replaced all you sunscreen with mayonnaise!
It's a miracle your skin isn't green right now.
WILLIE (looking at his hands)
It burns so bad... my fingers are turning black...
Willie's skin begins to blacken like a burnt hot dog. Alf laughs.
ALF
Do you want me to get the ketchup and mustard. (laughs)
You're going to look just like one of them bums from 'The Sun Also Rises'.
WILLIE
(faintly)
You have no idea how much this hurts...
Lynn approaches Alf angrily.
LYNN
Alf, did you see where my hair product went?
Alf turns around and has glistening lock of hair.
ALF
No, I thought I was having a good hair day!
She grabs her hair in frustration.
ALF
Oh god Lynn that looks awful, let me help.
He starts pulling strands of her hair out.
Willie tries to get up to save his daughter, but is in too much pain. Alf rips a large chunk of Lynn's hair out.
LYNN
Alf, how could you!? I have a date with a cute bartender tonight! How am I supposed to explain this!?
ALF
We'll go back to the hotel and we can try again tomorrow night. We've got plenty more shampoo.
They walk off together leaving Willie behind.
INT. Hotel room bathroom
Alf is mixing a weird cauldron of hair products. He squeeze in some Head & Shoulders and causes an explosive reaction that causes the cauldron to start smoking.
ALF
My patented hair regiment is ready! Put this on your head and your hair woes with be hair gone.
He puts it on Lynn's head. She screams as she feels something new growing on top of her scalp.
ALF
Whoops there goes another strand. Here comes another.
And another...
And then he pulls out a huge amount of hair.
ALF
Wow that really worked! I think I'm gonna need a bigger pot for next time.
Lynn has grown a lot of hair, but it has all fallen out and now on her head she is growing several tentacles. Lynn looks in the mirror and screams.
LYNN
Alf what did you do!?
My hair fell out! Oh my God I feel disgusting!!
Alf walks over to the sink and runs water over the tentacle. The tentacle shrinks into a small ball.
An alarm goes off, it is 8PM, Lynn is already late for her date. Alf grabs a large sunflower hat and puts it on Lynn.
INT. A fancy restaurant on the beach
Lynn looks very nervous and keeps fidgeting with her hat which keeps getting knocked around by the wind.
BOBBY
Something wrong? You can take off your hat, it looks like the wind is trying to take it away.
LYNN
NO! The hat stays on!
Bobby notices something strange about the way Lynn speaks.
BOBBY
What are you talking about? You sound like a girl.
Lynn laughs nervously.
LYNN
I don't know what came over me, I guess I just forgot how girls talk.
Lynn starts laughing uncontrollably.
Lynn feels something under the table. It is Alf!
ALF
(whipsers) Lynn be cool! You are blowing this date!
LYNN
Go home Alf, you are ruining everything!
I have no idea how I am going to get out of this!
ALF
Don't worry, I have a plan.
Lynn and Bobby look at each other and laugh.
Alf begins to play footsy with Bobby with his big nasty feet and Bobby thinks that Lynn is doing it.
LYNN
Alf stop!
Lynn and Alf begin making out.
ALF
Let me show you how it's done.
Lynn and Alf continue to make out.
Bobby is shocked at the sight of Alf and calls the ATF (Alien Task Force).
INT. Restaurant
The ATF (Alien Task Force) storm in and arrest Alf and Lynn.
ALF
What!? I was just showing Lynn how it's done!
INT. Jail cell
Alf and Lynn sit in separate cells that are next to each other. Alf tries to bite the bars, but ends up hurting his teeth.
ALF
This is bullshit! I am innocent!
Lynn sits down and starts to cry.
ALF
Hey!
Stop that! I am sorry for biting you, but if I didn't bite you, then this would have never happened!
Lynn stops crying.
Lynn gets angry.
LYNN
My life would be so much better if you were DEAD Alf!
A military scientist walks in and puts a leash around Alf. Alf fights him, and demands to know where the scientist is taking him.
SCIENTIST
You are headed for the first round of experiments... DISCECTION!
Alf is dragged to a room. The door is opened and he sees a group of scientists waiting for him.
ALF
No! I am not ready!
Just as Alf is about to be cut open, a badly burned Willie bursts into the operating room.
WILLIE
Sorry I'm late. What took you guys so long?
Willie has a gun pointed at the scientists.
ALF
Oh god!
That hurts!
Alf screams as he is sliced apart.
Lynn watches all this from her jail cell.
ALF
I'm dying!
As the scientist cut into Alf, something unexpected emerges from Alf's body:
A huge tentacle.
Alf is now holding the tentacle in the air.
ALF
See what I did there?
Alf uses his inner tentacle to kill all the scientists. Willie looks dejected because he was just about to do that and now Alf has saved the day. Alf uses the tentacle to free Lynn and the Tanners escape the facility to head back to the Cabana.
INT. A beach hut
Lynn and Bobby sit on the beach. Lynn is still wearing the sunflower hat.
BOBBY
So what did you think?
LYNN
It was very nice, but the hat kept falling off.
BOBBY
Yeah, the hat is a little big.
Lynn laughs.
Alf is putting aloe on Willie's burns.
WILLIE
This has certainly been a memorable vacation.
ALF
I hope you don't mind me saying, but your wife is a very beautiful woman.
Lynn blushes.
BOBBY
She's a great cook too.
Everyone begins to laugh.
ALF
I am sure she is a wonderful person, but I am surprised you like her.
Lynn laughs. She puts the hat on again.
LYNN
I don't know why I like Bobby, but I really do. He is a good man and we have a lot of fun together.
CUT TO:
INT. Tanner Family House
The family has just returned from Hawaii. Willie plops on the couch. Lynn goes to her room. Kate walks in.
KATE
How was Hawaii?
WILLIE
Hawaii was fantastic!
Kate smiles.
KATE
Did you have a chance to talk to Lynn?
WILLIE
Yes.
Alf walks in wearing a wig he made from all of Lynn's hair that fell out.
ALF
(to Lynn) I am sorry I bit you.
WILLIE
What are you doing here?
ALF
What!?
I am just trying to make up for biting you.
WILLIE
You are not making up for it.
ALF
Oh! I am sorry!
Alf bites Willie.
WILLIE
Alf!
ALF
What!?
Alf and Willie begin fighting.
Lynn walks in and stops them.
LYNN
Alf, stop!
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