Alf and the pit of vipers

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Harold, a guy who's on a date with a woman you just met named Julia. The two of you are at a dance club where you see your ex-girlfriend, Emily. You just broke up with her yesterday, so this situation is awkward. Without thinking, you blow her a kiss.
 As the song ends and she starts to walk away, you realize that it was rude. You quickly apologize as she looks back over her shoulder. She smiles sweetly before turning around again. This time when you try to give her another quick peck on the cheek, she brushes your hand away and laughs
 lightly in return. "I'm flattered," she says while looking into your eyes. Her smile falters slightly but then resumes. After a few seconds, she reaches out for your hand once more and takes it.

You attempt to brush her cheek and she puts you in a Brazilian ju jitsu arm lock and slams your hand in the car door.
 While trying not to scream, you watch her laugh at your predicament. With an evil grin, she releases you from the hold. "Hey, I'm sorry about that."
"No problem," you say, rubbing your sore wrist.

Emily is then greeted by her new boyfriend:
 a tall black man with a large afro. He is very well dressed and has his own limousine waiting outside the club. They exchange pleasantries and he invites them both inside. You are left standing alone in the parking lot wondering what happened next.

As you wait starring at the club not wanting to enter because of jealousy issues, you notice an spacecraft crash nearby.  You go to the spacecraft and meet ALF, who is trying to order some cats from the bartender.
 You help him with his request and then leave. Once you get home, you find out that Emily and her new boyfriend have gone to visit her parents in Florida. You call her and ask if they can come back early since you don't want her to think you were jealous.

"Join ussss.... kill the woman...." You realize that malevolent power take over your psyche.

"What?" She asks confused.
"...I...don't know..." You stammer.
She gets on the phone and talks to her mother. A few minutes later, she calls you back.

Again you hear the evil voice speak to you:
 "Kill the woman! Kill the woman!"
"What?" She asks again.
"Oh nothing," You respond, but the evil voice continues.
"I said no one is killing anyone tonight," Emily says.

You are worried about this new evil voice and what terrible things it is telling you to do.  You call and meetup with Alf and explain the situation.  Alf tells you that he knows the voice is that of the late Willie Tanner.
 He explains that the voice came through his computer and that the evil entity is now possessing you. He also mentions that the evil entity wants to destroy the world and will stop at nothing to achieve its goal.

You hear the voice of Willie agree and say, "
It's all true."
"What is?" Emily asks.
"The evil entity," Willie says.
"Willie, I need you to listen to me," Alf says.
"Go ahead," Willie says.

"This thing has taken control of my friend and I. It's using him to cause chaos. We need to find a way to break the connection between you and him."
"What do I have to do?"

You interject and say to Alf, "Alf, eating cats is frowned upon Earth. The only person on Earth who likes eating cats is Jason from AIPD."

"Ah, I see," Alf says. "Yes, yes. I understand. That would be fine. Thank you."
"Wait," Emily says. "Are you sure? Are you sure that this isn't going to make things worse?"

Alf nods and says, "Yes."  Then things get much worse.

After the conversation, you meet up with Emily and Alf and head off to your apartment. Once there, you talk to Emily about what happened and she is shocked to learn that the evil entity is controlling your mind.

Willie has somehow ordered nuclear bombs on the black market and now here they are sitting in your living room!

"Stop!" Emily yells.
You try to reason with the evil entity but it seems to be completely unresponsive to your attempts. You start to panic as you see the nukes being placed on top of your TV and microwave oven.

Alf puts the nuke in the microwave confusing it for a frozen burrito.  Alf starts the microwave with the nuke inside and then
 turns it off.  As you watch the nuke slowly melt, you notice that the evil entity is beginning to calm down.
"What did you do?" Emily asks.
"I turned off the microwave," Alf says.

The nuke glows with radiation before starting to expand like a marshmallow in the microwave.  Alf is consumed by the radiation.
  The evil entity screams in agony as the radiation eats away at it.
"Alf! What did you do?" Emily asks.
"I turned off the microwave," Alf repeats.
"Oh god," Emily says.

The nuke begins to melt the Earth away beneath your feet and you notice a giant cavernous hole appear.
  You fall into the hole and land on a strange planet far away from your home.
You wake up in a hospital bed. Your doctor comes in and says, "Welcome back. How are you feeling?"

You level up and gain the following superpowers from being exposed to high amounts of radiation:

* Regeneration - Whenever you are hurt or wounded, your body repairs itself.
* Invisibility - You can become invisible.
* Strength - You gain the ability to lift huge weights.

The doctor is shocked that you can lift the entire hospital bed with a single finger.

"My god!" The doctor exclaims. "How does that work?"
You shrug and say, "I'm just strong."
"Well, you're certainly welcome to stay here as long as you want," The doctor says.

The doctor asks to run some tests on you to see if he can figure out what is going on with your newfound powers.
 You nod and agree.
You return to your apartment where Emily is waiting for you.
"Did you go to another planet?" She asks.
"Yeah," You say.
"So, what happened?"

"I don't know," You say. "I was talking to Willie and suddenly I woke up in a hospital bed."
"And how did you get here?"
"I don't know," You say.

Alf enters the room and immediately starts to be annoying.

"Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you guys," Alf says. "Where have you been?"
Emily looks at Alf and says, "You were supposed to take care of our problems."

You fight Alf and kick his ass.

"We could have used your help," You say.
"You needed to grow up first," Alf says.
You punch him again and knock him unconscious.
"I'll show you who needs to grow up," You say.

You hammer throw Alf into the sun.

"Whoa!" Alf exclaims.
"No one messes with my family," You say.
Alf runs away crying.
You call Emily and tell her that you are going to keep an eye on Alf and make sure he doesn't bother you anymore.

You make sure that Alf can't bother anyone anymore by
 kicking him into a pit full of vipers.
Your mom comes over to visit and says, "Oh, look at you. You're so big now."
"Thanks, Mom," You say.

Next time on "Alf and the pit of vipers":

You are now a very powerful wizard and you decide to go to the Magic Kingdom.
"This place is amazing," You say to Emily.
You enter the Adventureland and start to explore.