You are Albert Snape a man who hates harry potter but your parents insisted on naming you after a character. It's your day off, you're in a coffee shop when the cashier says "you're snape". You ask her what she means and she tells you that there is a new movie out called Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and it stars James Potter as the hero. You go see it and enjoy the first half before leaving early to return home for dinner with your wife. > You return to the coffee shop the next morning and tell the cashier that you don't appreciate being called 'Snape' because he sucks. She laughs at this and says "Well I've got news for you young man, everyone thinks you suck!" She then asks if you want to buy some tickets to a magic show and you say yes. > You ask the cashier as she hands you the tickets, "Would you like to go on a hate-date with me?" "A what now? A date?" She looks at you strangely. "Yeah, I think I'd like to take you out for a night on the town." She smiles and says, "Oh, I love taking men out on dates! The cashier tells you her name is Gwen and that she loves Harry Potter movies and has seen all six of them. You both laugh about how they have nothing in common except for their names. As you talk you notice a couple walk into the coffee shop and sit down by the window. Gwen gasps and says that is the star of Harry Potter! He's not too bad looking either. You decide to get up and go over to them. "Excuse me," you say, "I was just talking to your friend here about Harry Potter." Daniel Radcliff takes selfies and says, "Thanks!" But you speak up and say, "Actually, I hated those movies!" "Really?" Daniel replies, "I thought they were really good." You say, "Nah, I loved the books much better." Daniel smiles and says, "Oh yeah? Which book did you read?" "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone." He looks surprised and excited. "Are you a big fan of the series?" "Yeah, I am," you reply. Daniel Radcliff offers you a role in the new Fantastic Beasts novel. Your character: "Albert Snape", is a wizard who lives with his wife. You agree to play the part. "Wait," you say, "I'm supposed to be a Muggle!" "Yes, but you can still wear robes to hide it. We'll call you Harry Potter instead." You smile and say, "Okay." Your character: "Harry Potter", is a young boy who is obsessed with magic. He meets an old wizard named Albus Dumbledore. Gwen tells you this just seems like a shittier soft reboot. "Hey," she says, "I'm going to the restroom." "Cool," you say. When she returns you ask her if she wants to go back to the coffee shop. > You go back to the coffee shop and throw a scone at her. "What was that for?" She asks. "Because you said I sucked!" You exclaim. She says, "Well I didn't mean that!" You say, "But I know you meant it." The book is released and you read the reviews: "Worst Harry Potter film ever!" "It was awful!" You say. "Yeah, I liked it," Gwen says. "No you didn't!" You say. "Why do you care so much?" You confess to Gwent that you are a wizard and you just wanted some recognition. She says, "Wow, I had no idea! She invites you to join her and Daniel for drinks at a local bar. You go with them and they introduce you to a few people. They chat with you for a while and then Gwen goes to the bathroom. Daniel tells you that he wrote a short story for a new Harry Potter book and you offer to read it. "It's not ready yet," he says. You say, "At least tell me the title!" and Daniel tells you it's called, "Harry Potter and the Secret of the Chamber". You ask him if he knows where the secret chamber is located and he says, "Of course! The Room of Requirement!" You ask if you can read the script and he says, "Sure, I'll email it to you." > You read the script and notice it is very similar to a piece of fan fiction you've read on harrypotterfanfic.net. "So," you say, "You're telling me that the Chamber of Secrets is actually a room inside Hogwarts?" "That's right!" "And there's a hidden door that opens it?" "Yep, but we can't open it ourselves." You ask if you can see the script and Daniel tells you he will send it to you later. You then ask him about the movie and he says, "We'll need to cast a bunch of new actors." > You cast a bunch of local theater people and shoot the movie. You ask him, "How does the plot go?" "Well, Harry Potter gets summoned to Hogwarts castle and meets a mysterious woman who tells him that he is the last remaining heir to the Dark Lord Voldemort." > You ask, "Who is Joe?" "Joe Piscatella." You ask, "Is he playing the role of Albus Dumbledore?" "Yeah, but I think he's a bit too old." You ask if you can use a younger actor and Daniel says, "Sure, why not?" > You suggest your favorite actor: * Tom Cruise*. "Okay," you say, "Let's try Tom Cruise." Daniel laughs and says, "You don't want Tom Cruise?" "I don't know," you say. > You pull some strings and manage to get Tom Cruise to play dumbledore. You tell Daniel that Tom Cruise is available and he says, "Perfect!" You ask him, "What happens next?" "Albus Dumbledore takes Harry Potter to the Ministry of Magic and explains that Harry is a wizard." > You ask "But doesn't he already know that?" "Yeah, but he doesn't know how he got that information." "So what happens?" "Then the Minister of Magic sends Harry to the Magical Law Enforcement Agency (MLEA) for training." > You listen to Daniel then repeat beat for beat the plot to Bad Boys 2, but with wizards. "Wait," you say, "Why would the Minister of Magic send him to the MLEA? "Because Harry Potter is a wizard." You ask, "But isn't he supposed to be undercover?" Daniel says, "yes, but he has a mustache!" You ask, "What else?" "Harry Potter finds out that his parents were killed by the Dark Lord and he learns that the Ministry of Magic has been lying to him about everything." You ask, "So why doesn't he go after the Dark Lord himself?" Daniel says, "He does! That's when Jackie Chan and Will Smith and Rambo show up!" You ask, "But doesn't the Minister of Magic have a whole army of wizards to fight the Dark Lord?" Daniel says, "Yes, but the Ministry of Magic is really corrupt and Harry Potter joins a resistance group called the Order of the Phoenix led by Cedric Diggory." You watch as the police raid Daniel's apartment and arrest him. Apparently Daniel is broke and was trying to finance the movie, but the checks kept bouncing. You ask, "Do you know anyone in the financial sector?" Daniel says, "Yeah, I know someone who works at a bank." You ask him to introduce you and he agrees. You convince Big Money Robert to finance the film. He agrees to loan you $200,000 for one year at 8% interest. You pay off Daniel's debts and you make sure that he gets paid for his work on the movie. You tell Daniel, "Now all we need is a director and a producer and..." Now your are in jail, the project was one giant money pit. You tell Daniel, "Well, you better start thinking about a sequel!" Daniel says, "I guess I should do that." You tell him, "You can also write another short story set in the Harry Potter universe."