You are Jack Hammer, a Bodybuilding superhero who only saves the world to pick up chicks. You are currently trying to pick up a chick that is giving you a tour of Eastern Europe. You see some heavy cinder blocks in the middle of the sidewalk and decide to lift them to impress her. As you pick up the blocks and put them in your pocket, your cell phone starts to vibrate. You flip it open and a robotic voice says "Watcher sighted in Mountain View." You take off your shirt to distract her and look at your phone to see the Watcher's last known location. You see that he is in a park nearby. You think about how much your arms hurt from picking up those blocks and how much you would rather hit on this girl. You use your best pickup line to hit on this woman: "Doritos. For some reason I think about Doritos whenever I look at you." "I'm a werewolf. Howl at the moon with me. You tell her you are ok with that and then you see the full moon rise and she transforms right in front of you. You spend the night having fun with your new werewolf girlfriend. The next morning you get a text from her: "Go to the Empire State building. Come alone." You go to the Empire State building, you see the woman is wearing sunglasses and a trench coat. "Hey stranger." She says. "I'm not here to cause trouble, I just want the book back." She slowly takes off her coat and you see that she isn't wearing anything underneath. You give her the book back, it is the kama sutra. You ask her if she wants to do it in the public restroom nearby. She says "I think you know the answer to that." You proceed to have, what your roommate refers to as, "The best half hour of your life" You exit the bathroom with a big grin and then you see the Watcher. You chase the Watcher down and reveal your troubled past. He decides to help you and reveals that the Flying Monkeys are hiding out in the Empire State building. You arrive at the Empire State Building and take the elevator to the top. You arrive on the roof of the Empire State building and see all the flying monkeys appear ready to fight. You unlock the seventh gate of testosterone to pummel your enemies. "I have no quarrel with you. Stand aside and let me pass." The monkeys bow to you and you enter the elevator. One of the monkeys presses the "door open" button and the door remains open. You take this second set of elevators to the Moon where you see the Watcher has been wafting for you. He shows you to the portal where he reveals that the Count lives on the dark side of the moon. He gives you a special pair of glasses that allows you to breathe on the moon. > You say "Watcher, reveal yourself, who are you!" He takes off his mask and reveals that he is actually Count Grey. You and Count Grey fight Count Dracula on the dark side of the moon. You remember that you still have cinder blocks in your pocket and throw them at Dracula. Count Grey reveals that he never betrayed you and that you must work together to defeat Count Dracula. You, Count Grey, and the Watcher fight Count Dracula and his vampire brides. Count Grey mid battle tells you he is the Werewolf woman's dad and wants to make sure you are alright before he gives you approval to date his daughter. You feel a surge of strength and fight all the vampire brides by yourself. You think to yourself "is fighting all these monsters and having sex with women really worth it?" You are unsure if you will survive, but then you think about your roommate Chris. "Chris will pay!" You defeat Dracula and his vampire brides after hours of fighting. You turn to Count Grey and ask to marry his daughter. "It will be done." In the months to come you marry Count Grey's daughter and become a museum tour guide for the Museum of Oteme. The moral of the story: You live happily ever after, but Chris does not. You think back to the day Chris wronged you, Chris... "Hey Chris, you got change for a penny?" "Nope, I don't have any pennies in my pocket, but I do have these glass bottles." "Perfect!"
AIPD EP191 – 9/26/2020 – Story 3
Posted under AIPD EP191 - 9/26/2020 - Story 3, Story On By Chief