You are Brenda Higgenhog, an elderly overweight Walmart greeter. You have varicose veins and thick coke bottle glasses. You see a tall man in full medieval knight's armor enter the store staggering and clutching his side. You greet him and he hobbles up to you and hands you an amulet. The knight mumbles, "chosen... one..." before dying in front of you. A bell rings and you automatically go back to your position in the corner of the room. > You go home and prepare a kraft mac n cheese for one. you feed your 4 cats and begins to watch "The Biggest Loser". A gunshot rings out and you realize you've been killed by an assassin. The amulet glows and brings you back to life. You see 3 large men in ski masks in your home. You shove your knitting needles into the neck of the man who shot you. "You're not my grandson!" you say. You rush out of a window and your 4 cats follow you. You soon arrive at a wizard's tower. You quickly rush inside and the door shuts behing you. You have reached Level 2. You have learned the following skills: You have the ability to knit, the ability to do basic household chores You can identify witches, wizards and other magical creatures You can operate a cash register You can solve puzzles like riddles and puzzles You can wield knitting needles as daggers You can speak in the Scottish accent (Optional) Now it's time to choose your path: You see a riddle written on the wall that you must solve. It reads... You see a large ornate door with a keyhole in the middle. There is a strange growth on the wall to the right of it. You need to decide what item you will use to open the door. You hear the Riddler's voice give you a hint of how to open the door. You have the option to ask for another hint. "You will not make it through the maze of twist and turns, traps and tricks. The riddle is the answer." > You use your Scottish accent to solve the riddle. The door opens and you see a large ornate treasure chest. You open it and inside is a real Scottish person, though it is hard to tell because they are covered in soot. You wake the Scotsman and ask him what he is doing here. "I'm not sure," He says in a thick Scottish accent. "I was watching Braveheart when William Wallace shouted, "Lay siege to London and ransom back our land!" I shouted back, "Freedom! > You ask him where you can find the wizard and some catfood for your cats. The Scotsman points in the direction of the forest. "In there," he says, "but you'll never get in. It's Becca the Bear's house." You shrug and begin to enter the forest. Before your leave, you use your wizard identifying powers to check if the Scotsman or any of your cats are wizards. You learn that the Scotsman is a wizard and one of your cats is "a bit of a wizard". To Becca The Bear's House! You open the door and see a gigantic bear with a comically large bow in it's hair. It looks ferocious. You attempt to act casual and throw a rock at it for target practice. You hit it perfectly in the eye! "Ouch!" The bear cries out and falls backwards. > You identify if Becca the Bear is magical. Becca slowly sits up and then stands up on it's hind legs. It begins to walk towards you in an aggressive manner. Seeing your cats begin to run away you attempt to do the same. You realize you are in a real puzzle of a situation, you realize the solution was in your morning crossword puzzle the entire time. "ACROSS: Violent bear, trap, or jail. DOWN: Needle-filled fur." You quickly fill in the letters. The bear stops and looks at you for a moment. While the bear is thinking you stab him with your knitting needle daggers. You have reached the next level! You walk outside and realize your grandmother has returned. She is dating a very nice old man who takes care of her. It seems like a perfect ending to a perfect story. You learned the following moves: Swimming You learned the following recipes: Oatmeal Raisin Cookies You learned the following spells: None. You learned the following secrets: Secret of the Cave (let's you see what is inside the cave) You learned the secret of the wizards: They love technology. > You ask the old man how much he likes technology to discern if he is a wizard. You decide to be funny and ask "How much do you like technology?" "Well," says the old man, "I don't have a cell phone or anything, but I'm really good at fixing clocks." You stab the old man and say he was evil wizard. After a moment of silence the birds begin to sing again and you are surrounded by your friends, who all congratulate you on slaying a terrible evil wizard. You make oatmeal raisin cookies for everyone in the forest. The treasure you find in the wizard's house is: A stuffed animal that looks like a bear, a roll of tape, and a broken light bulb. > You say your signature catchphrase in a scottish accent... "Now we're cookin'." The moral of the story: Don't piss off the wizards, and little girls can save the world with their pet cats.
AIPD EP190 – 9/25/2020 – Story 3
Posted under AIPD EP190 - 9/25/2020 - Story 3, Story On By Chief