AIPD EP188 – 9/23/2020 – Story 2

Posted under AIPD EP188 - 9/23/2020 - Story 2, Story On By Chief

Two local bumpkins have accused one another of shitting in the others beans and are making a ruckus in the town square on the day of the harvest festival. The mayor has tasked you, M night shyamalan, with managing the festival. You have decided that the first person to figure out which one of the two men is innocent and which one is a liar will be immune from execution.
You consult your closest advisor, Nestle Egg II, Electric Boogalo. He looks at you with his one beady eye, then at the two men. Suddenly he starts to shake, and his single eye turns a bloodshot red.
> You question the two bumpkins.
''You!'' You call to the larger of the two bumpkins, ''What is your name, and who is it you accuse?''
The man looks at you.
You stare back at the bumpkin.
The bumpkin stares blankly back at you.
You feel a wave of nausea hit you, and your heart rate begins to increase. You can hear the sound of footsteps behind you...
> You look behind you and see...
A storm forms over the festival, lightning strikes a scarecrow in a field and you are brought back to life as a possessed scarecrow.
A murderer is put in your field.
You are found the next day and you hang him.
> You call in a fecal expert and make the bumpkins poop in front of him so he can identify the bean shitter.
After a thorough investigation you are able to rule out the innocent bumpkin and sentence him to death by hanging.
The bumpkins puts together and impassioned speech for his life. You find yourself unable to carry out the execution.
The next day, you receive word that the King has died of a heart attack. You are brought before the new king and he sentences you both to death by hanging.
You tell the new King you are innocent and make an angry plea for you life. He sentences you both to death by hanging.
> You run away giggling.
You find yourself naked in the middle of the woods at night, two large bumps on your bum. You die of hypothermia.
The king orders your body to be dragged into a bean field. 
Your body is dragged into a bean field. 
A storm forms, lightning strikes the field, and you come back as a possessed Mr Bean.
Mr. Bean goes on a killing spree, drinking the blood of his victims.
A new king is elected after the public grows weary of the murders.
You seek out the old king and murder him for putting you to death.
You are apposed by the evil Count Dragula and his army of Vampire Lords.
You are brought back to life after being staked through the heart by a Vampire Hunter.
> You partner with Dr. Frankenfurter to open a restaurant. You call it Wahlburgers.
Happy with your success, you retire from the restaurant business and live out the rest of your years in peace.
The morale of the story: don't go to Wahlburgers.