AIPD EP187 – 9/22/2020 – Story 1

You are Donny Feelings, a fashion designer who is writing his diary online. You write, "During the workday I pretend to like my boss, but I think he's a greedy jerk. His secretary's pretty cute, but she wears mediocre makeup. My co-workers are a bunch of dimwitted simpletons. They should listen to me, because I am better in pretty much every way." You accidentally post your diary entry to the fashion company's website. Because the company is connected to the internet, terrorists hack into it. They use your diary entry as an excuse to declare war on fashion. The terrorists launch missiles at you and your company.
> You deploy the secret denim shield you've been working on in secret. It successfully repels the missiles.
The terrorists try again, this time with a fleet of black helicopters. They break into the building and hold you and your fellow employees hostage. The terrorists demand to know where you're hiding the rest of your secret denim shield.
You and your coworkers band together, you declare yourself as leader and everyone agrees until your boss pulls up the website on his phone and reads what you wrote this morning. He says, "Everyone, Donny here is clearly the best-looking and smartest person in this office. He's the only one who can lead us to victory."
> You smash a bottle of Donny No. 5, a perfume you've been developing, on the floor. The smell of freedom knocks the terrorists out.
You and your office mates hide under your desks. The terrorists can't find you so they escape with your co-workers. You and your perfume are heroes.
You see the terrorists left one of the black helicopters with the keys still in it.  You decide to go on a vigilante to save your coworkers. You sneak into the helicopter factory and hotwire a brand new helicopter. You fly it back to your old office building and rescue your former employees from their cells.
You get a job as a pilot in the FBI.
> You like your job as a pilot, but you desperately miss the fashion industry.
You decide to give your old job a second chance. You get the fashion industry's attention by writing a popular book about your vigilante experience. The book is loosely based on a TV show you like called The Cape.
The writers of The Cape sue you for plagiarism. You counter-sue, saying their TV show is based on your real life experience.
You become a minor celebrity.
> You start wearing a cape everywhere you go.
You get recognized wherever you go. If anyone tries to mug or kill you they all flee when they see you coming.
YOU WIN!
You come across a woman being mugged, she sees you wearing your cape as cries out for help. You help her out...
A police man sees you in action and requests your help with catching a dangerous criminal. He says, "Word has spread that you're basically a real life superhero!"
> You let the fame go to your head.
You chase the criminal into an alley. He's cornered and about to be caught, but he pulls a gun out of his pocket and shoots you in the chest.
It hits your denim shield and you are unharmed, you take off your Gucci belt and whip the gun from his hands.
You wrap the belt around his neck and pull tightly. The EMTs find your body.
The EMTs accuse you of performing autoerotic asphyxiation. The coroner agrees. YOU LOSE!
THE END
You arrive at the factory just in time to see a fire-fight break out between two men.
You dual wield denim shield and charge into the factory. One of the men sees you and lets out a terrified yell. He fires at you, but your shield stops the bullet. You tackle him to the ground and knock him out.
> You tie up the man with your Gucci belt and ask him why he was fighting.
The man tells you that the other man, Dean McCoppin, was trying to kill him for some unknown reason. The man also reveals that there is a huge stockpile of explosives in the factory.
You give Dean McCoppin fashion advice.
"You really need to update your look."
The next day you hear news reports that the factory exploded due to a gas leak.
You ask Dean McCoppin to join you as a sidekick.  You tell him he can be Accessory Boy.
"I don't do accessories. The only accessory I need is a gun." He says.
You tell him he should join you as a sidekick and that you'll give him some of the harder tasks.
> You take Dean's gun, and bedazzle it for fashion.
You take the gun and bedazzle it.
You finally tell him you're tired of waiting for him to get ready. He gets into a car and drives away, but not before throwing his gun at you.
You look at Dean and say your famous catchphrase: "You're a real asshole."
THE END

YOU WIN!
The morale of the story: Never stop being a badass