You are Thomas. You are a gaffer on a big budget Hollywood movie. You are putting up lighting for the next scene when you overhear Tom Cruise say something incredibly scandalous. He says... "I really wish Katie would let me get her pregnant." DO NOT RESPOND. You don't want to get caught up in this scandal, so you decide to report it immediately. > You report it immediately to the director of the film. You report the scandal directly to the director of the film, who seems unsurprised. "Yeah, thanks for bringing this to my attention," he says, "I'll take care of it." The next day Tom Cruise announces he is divorcing Katie. You feel guilty and ask Tom if there's anything you can do to make him feel better. He says there is... "Can you put on a dress and let me fuck you in the ass?" DO NOT LET HIM FUCK YOU IN THE ASS. You won't allow yourself to be used like that. > You tell the director of the film that Tom Cruise asked to fuck you in the ass. You tell the director of the film that Tom Cruise asked to fuck you in the ass. "Yeah, thanks for bringing this to my attention," he says, "I'll take care of it." The next day Tom Cruise is replaced by Liam Neeson. You feel guilty and ask Tom if there's anything you can do to make him feel better. He says there is... "Can you put on a dress and let me fuck you in the ass?" > You say "What's in it for me?" "I'll give you a blowjob," Tom says. You do it just because it would be a great story. After Tom Cruise blows you, you decide to give an exclusive interview to TMZ. DO NOT GIVE THE INTERVIEW TO TMZ. The next day you are doing you job putting up lights on the movie set when you hear Liam Neeson say something incredibly scandalous about Xenu. He says... "I wish the state of California would fall into the ocean." DO NOT RESPOND. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but you decide to report it anyway. The director sees you approach and face palms, he says, "Please, just don't any more things." and walks away. The next day the state of California falls into the Pacific Ocean. > You say "Mr. Neeson, do you like Tom Cruise?" "I love Tom Cruise," Tom Neeson says. "So you like him more than Katie?" you ask, confused. Tom Neeson pauses. He thinks for a second, looking down. Liam Neeson confesses to you that he once let Tom Cruise fuck him in the ass. "... No, I like the Church of Scientology more than I like Tom," Tom Neeson says. Liam Neeson confesses to you that he once let Tom Cruise fuck him in the ass. After work you go to Tom Cruises house wearing a dress, to apologize for getting him fired. You knock on his door and he answers, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt that says "Scientology: The Only Hope For Mankind. > You say "Where do I get one of those t-shirts?" Tom thinks for a second, looking down in thought. "You can get them at the Church of Scientology. I'll give you a pamphlet." You accept a pamphlet and put it in your purse. > You give Tom and AIPD T-shirt and ask him to tell you about Scientology. Tom thinks for a second, looking down in thought. > You say "Tell me what you're thinking. " Tom thinks for a second, looking down in thought. "I'm thinking about what the hell is going on," Tom says, as his eyes dart back and forth. You see many people wearing fancy clothes and elaborate masks, one of them you recognize as Katie. You call out her. She turns and looks at you. "My eyes! MY EYES!" Tom screams as he holds his hands to his face. Black goo pours out of the eyes of everyone around you. A squid-like figure emerges from Tom Cruise's chest. "I AM XENU!" it tells you. (LINK REMOVED) You realize that the black goo is making everyone's eyes bleed. Everyone at the party bows down to Xenu. You bow down to Xenu. Everyone in the world bows down to Xenu. You are given a billion-year contract to be Xenu's drone. > You ask Xenu if there's anything you can do to make him feel better. You say "What's it like being the evilest of the evil?" "I am not," Xenu says. You inner monologue has been waiting to say this all night: "Yes you are." You ask Xenu what he's like. "I'm the fucking scum of the Earth, kid." Xenu says, looking around nervously. > You throw holy water on Xenu and he screams and shrivels. After a disorienting moment you find yourself in a graveyard on Mars. You recognize Tom Cruise from your high school physics class. You have no recollection of him being there, let alone dead. "Bill!" You correct him and say, "Actually, it's Thomas." "We're all dead, Tommy," he says. "Dead and buried on fucking Mars." Tom stares at you blankly. "What manner of bastard are you?" > You ask the director to teleport you back to Earth and tell on everybody. You find yourself in a small room. You're strapped to a chair, and see the director standing across from you. "I don't appreciate being put in that situation. I'm here to fucking tell on you." The morale of the story is: don't do drugs kids. A week later you are executed by the police force in which you reported the crimes of the studio.