AIPD EP183 – 9/18/2020 – Story 3

You are Mikaela, a gypsy of the North country. You arrive in a sleepy town in the Old West; people are immediately suspicious of you. You walk into the local saloon and…
The bartender glares at you as you saunter over to the bar. You try to order a beer, but he won't even serve you.
> You bat your eyes at him and say "please"
The bartender looks away and says, "Get outta here, ya thievin' gypsy!"
You walk outside and the sheriff is standing there in front of a gallows.
You lean in to give the sheriff as kiss as you curse the bartender.
The sheriff says, "You're a silly bitch. You can't sweet-talk me like you do with other men. You're going to hang for thievery."
> You say "What did I steal, sheriff?"
The sheriff reminds you that you stole his horse out of his stable that morning.
> You say "Right, right."
You try to kiss the sheriff and he pushes you away. He reminds you that you are scheduled to be hanged in one hour.
You walk up the gallows steps and a noose is placed around your neck.
> You curse the entire town!
The sheriff, the judge, the bartender and a few of the old folks that you tried to swindle gather around to watch you swing.
You kick, you struggle and ultimately you die.
Suddenly, your cousin Vinny shoots the rope from which you are hanging. You fall to the ground, barely alive. Your cousin picks you up and puts you into your wagon. You are still alive, but only barely.
You roll into a nearby forest and soon after, lose consciousness entirely.
Then everything fades to black.
You wake in a gypsy hospital known Gypsy General. You have no serious external injuries. The doctor tells you that you were stabbed in the back by one of the villagers. He says you must have been unconscious for many days and nights as the bleeding has stopped.
You think long and hard about a unique curse you can place on this villager.  You make a list of curse ideas:
THEY FIND GOLD
THEY BECOME BEAUTIFUL
THEY KILL THE BOSS
THE CAN'T SLEEP
THEY GET HITCHED
You choose to make the vill
You watch a DVD copy of "Gypsy's Act 2: Back in the Habit" and come up with ten more curses:
THEY EAT POOP
THEY GET NERVOUS
THEY ARE STUCK IN A TIGHT SPOT
THEY RUST
THEY LIVE FOREVER
THEY HUMP THE GROUND
THEY NEVER LAND ANYBODY
THEY GET HEMORRHOIDS
THEY CAN'T STOP GROWING
THEY ARE AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL
You decide to give the villager hemorrhoids.
You place a curse and the curse takes immediate effect. You watch as the man who stole your horse from the stable quickly develops an anal issue that causes him to hemorrhage uncontrollably from his rectum.
> You decide to curse the entire town with hemmorrhoids.
You curse the entire town with hemorrhoids and watch as they all become deathly ill and their anal bleeding is uncontrollable.
> You go into town and demand they beg you to remove the curse from their asses.
You arrive in town and the villagers are all bleeding from their asses uncontrollably. You watch as they scream, yell and moan in agony. You walk into the bar where you were denied service earlier.
> You walk up to the bartender who called you a thievin' gypsy. "Pour me a drink."
The bartender pours you a top shelf alcohol. It burns going down, but it is a pleasant sensation.
You curse the bartender with hemmorhoids.
> You smack the bartender on the ass and say "Thanks".  Then  you see Tony, the open-minded Deputy saunter into the saloon.
"Hey there, thievin' gypsy," he says.
You curse the deputy with hemmorhoids.
The deputy responds, "I already had hemmorhoids."
You say, "Those are super hemmorhoids!"
The entire town is in agony. They haven't been cursed with anything else. They beg for you to remove the curse.
Tony asks you out on a date, but you have to remove the curse first.
You remove the curse and leave the town.
You go on a date, but unfortunately the only serves food in town is the bar where the bartender hates you.
You decide to leave and hit the road.
One year later you receive a letter from Tony in the post, it reads...
Dear (your name),
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way things turned out with us. I have harbored a serious crush on you since we dated.
The morale of the story: Be careful of who you date, you never know when they will become the president.