AIPD EP183 – 9/18/2020 – Story 1

Posted under AIPD EP183 - 9/18/2020 - Story 1, Story On By Chief

You are Farmer Brown, an eccentric guy who owns a struggling farm. A bunch of crows have been eating all of your crops. You decide it's time to get a scarecrow. However, your daughter, Emmylou, doesn't get any old scarecrow. You get Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow from Batman, to be your scarecrow. The Scarecrow starts using his fear toxin to scare the crows away. You're happy about that, until the Scarecrow starts using his fear toxin on your farm animals. You find that whenever you go into the barn, they all have gone mad from fear and are trying to escape. However, you can't have that.
> You complain to your daughter about the Scarecrow.
You decide that complaining to your daughter will get the scarecrow out of your farm.
"I don't like that scarecrow. He's too good at his job. All I see is crows.
You walk up to the scarecrow on a Friday afternoon and tell him he's been let go. You explain that he's been fired. The scarecrow doesn't care, instead, he just carries on with his duties. You find this odd because you thought the straw man would be angry, instead, he seems content.
You hire the kool-aid boy, kool-aid mans son. The scarecrow wasn't very good at his job, so you get the mack daddy of all scarecrows to replace your last one. He uses real terror.
Kool-aid boy uses his terrorism to make the farm successful again. Once he succeeds, you find that the animals are very lazy and give no milk, but they're happy. The pigs are content to sit in mud all day. You need to make a change.
> You order kool-aid boy to slaughter one pig in front of the other animals to show them you mean business.
One day, kool-aid boy decides to kill one of your pigs. He takes a knife and slits the pig's throat in front of the other pigs.
You animals start producing milk again, but it all tastes sour.  Batman, your old enemy, shows up to the farm to personally complain.
You explain to the Darknight that you need to keep kool-aid boy. He threatens to shut down the farm, but relents when you offer him a cow as tribute.
> You watch Batman milk the cow.
You marvel at the lengths to which you'll go to keep kool-aid boy on the farm.
One night you catch Kool-aid boy sleeping with your daughter. You're happy for them, but it makes things very awkward in the house.
When his father finds out he's not a boy anymore, he becomes very angry and shows up to the farm with a shotgun.
Kool-Aid man smashes through the barn door and says, "Oh yeah!" before blowing the scarecrow's head off. It turns out there is no kool-aid in the straw after all.
The next day, you decide to go on a trip to visit your mother...
> You and your daughter drive to your mother's house in a horse and buggy.
You and your daughter board a horse and buggy to visit your mother, who lives in a big house on the edge of town. You have fond memories of visiting her every weekend when you were a kid.
> You say "Momma, my daughter's been sleeping with the Kool-Aid Man's son. Oh, yeah! "
You and your daughter arrive at your mother's house early in the morning. Your mother insists on making waffles before hearing about your troubles. She serves them with maple syrup from her own tapped trees.
> You say "Mom, why didn't you want full custody of me?"
While eating breakfast, you decide to tell your mother about the events leading up to your living on a farm. You mention the domestic abuse and also how your father stole your kidney. Your mother seems unfazed by this and is far more concerned about the health of her trees. She has an expensive doctor come over to check on them.
Your mother becomes increasingly angry as the story goes on. She begins to cry when you mention you had to shoot the dog.
"That bastard..." she mutters.