AIPD EP182 – 9/17/2020 – Story 1

You are a GTA NPC on Mt. Chiliad. You are being hunted by cougars. You run up the mountain away from them.
You reach a cave and go inside to hide. You hear a cougar's dying scream outside. Minutes later, you hear another one.
> You go deeper into the cave.
You walk further into the cave. You reach a fork in the path, but hear a noise from the left corridor. You quietly backtrack and...
"Hey, watch it!"
> You flick on your lantern and see...
You shine your flashlight around the cave and illuminate a pile of bones. Some of them have meat on them, and some of them are still wearing tattered bits of clothes.
> You say "Who said that?!"
Your voice echoes throughout the cave.
A bloody hand reaches out of the pile of bones and grabs your ankle.
> You high five the bloody hand.
You are now best friends with whoever it is that's in the pile of bones. You high-five their bloody hand and a rotting arm reaches out of the pile of bones and shakes your hand.
> You do a cool secret handshake with the arm.
You do a cool secret handshake with the arm, and it hugs your hand. You notice more bones being pulled from the pile and attached to various body parts (all of them very bloody).
> You say "What is your name?"
You ask the bloody pile of body parts what its name is, but it's hard to understand. Something like "h-h-hand-n-nk..."
"Hank?
> You say "Hey Hank, what's killing the cougars outside?"
You ask Hank what's killing the cougars outside, but he just keeps repeating "h-h-hand-n-nk..."
"Hank?
"Hank? What's killing the cougars?
> You find a tongue in the pile of bones, then shove it in Hank's mouth. "Hank, what's outside the cave?"
You shove a bloody tongue into Hank's mouth and he responds "h-h-hans... m-m-man..."
"Hans? The man outside?"
You fashion lips out of some used chewing gum and slap it on Hank and then you lean in for a kiss.
"Kiss you?
"Hank, what's killing the cougars?
> You say "Hank, write it down!"
You hand Hank a pen and some paper. He writes "Hank n-need t-to g-get o...ff... m-m-man..."
"Hank need to get off the man?"
> You lead Hank out of the cave.
You lead Hank out of the cave and he's hit by a bullet. You are hit by a bullet.
"Oh, I'm hit!" Hank says.
Hank is hit by a bullet.
You hop on Hank and pretend you are part of the meat pile.  You play dead.
"Oh, I'm hit!" Hank says.
Sorry, that didn't work out. Let's try again!
> You say "Hey, who's shooting?"
You ask "Who's shooting?" but get no response. You're still hit by a bullet.
"Oh, I'm hit!" Hank says.
> You smack Hank and say "Get ahold of yourself!  We're in this together!"
You smack Hank and say "We're in this together!"
Hank stops his whining to say "Lead... the way..."
You and Hank hop up and run, back-to-back, knives drawn.
> You stealthily advance towards the shooter.
You and Hank sneak up through the undergrowth towards the shooter.
"We should split up," you say.
"Yeah, you go that way and I'll go this way!" Hank says.
Hanks flesh starts to fuse and heal similar to Benjamin Button.  You realize Hank is pregnant as he starts to give birth.
"Hank, what's happening?" you say.
"I'm giving birth!" Hank says.
"To what?"
You both are suddenly hit by gunfire.
Hank gives birth to a pair of fully loaded AR-15's.
"What the fuck?" you say.
"We need to shoot the shooter!" Hank says.
You grab one of the AR-15's in an attempt to only wound the shooter. You miss.
> You tell Hank to shoot the shooter!
You tell Hank to shoot the shooter! He obeys.
"What the fuck?" you say.
You and Hank both stare at the pile of bullet-ridden flesh that used to be your classmates.
> You ask Hank to hide the bodies.
"Turn yourself in, Hank!" you say.
Hank and you hide the bodies. Then, in an attempt to cover up the murder, you call the police.
"911, what is your emergency?"
> You say "We found some cougar poachers, but they were dead when we got here."
"Where is your emergency?"
You tell the operator you're at the scene of a double murder.
"I need your address," she says.
> You say "We're at the top of Mt. Chiliad"
"We have a patrol officer few miles out that way."
"He should be able to help you."
"Is anyone injured?"
"No, they're both dead.
> You say "Should we wait for the police?"
"You should wait for the police."
"Can you stay on the line?"
"I'll stay on the line."
The operator tells you that you'll be connected to the police officer. The call ends.
You fuse with the pile of your dead classmates and gain 600 lbs as well as many new limbs.
You and Hank hide the bodies. Then, in an attempt to cover up the murder, you call the police.
"911, what is your emergency?
> You say "Hey the bodies are all gone, you don't come up here anymore!"
"I need your address," she says.
"We're at the top of Mt. Chiliad"
"We have a patrol officer few miles out that way."
"He should be able to help you."
You see the officer approaching. He gets out of his patrol car and begins talking to you.
"Hello sir, I'm Officer Franklin, do you need help?"
"Yes, we're at the top of Mount Chiliad,"
> You say "I didn't kill anybody or anything. I'm kind of innocent."
"Dude, you're the one who called."
"We're at the top of Mount Chiliad"
The officer turns around and begins talking into his shoulder.
> You kill the officer before he calls it in.
You grab the officer and choke him to death. You hear sirens in the distance.
"We need to go," Hank says.
> You reveal your troubled past to Hank.
"My father was abusive," you say. "I killed him when I was young."
"Woah, that sucks man," Hank says.
You continue down the trail to a small shack.
You enter the shack riding Hank like a horse.
"Hello?" you hear a voice from inside say.
You enter the shack and find a paleontologist digging through the ground.
"Who are you two?" he asks.
> You say "Where are not murderers, Sir"
"No, we're not!" you say.
"What? No, I'm sure it was a big misunderstanding," the paleontologist says.
You and Hank enter the shack.
> You grab a weapon.
You grab a Rock and a lighter from the table.
"What are you doing with that?" Hank says.
"I'm going to kill myself," you say.
"What? Why?" Hank says.
> You say "Because I just can't bare being back on the inside"
"I've done terrible things, Hank," you say.
You begin to cry.
"Hank, I'm so sorry."
You smash your head agaisnt the wall repeatedly.
"The pain,"
You reveal to Hank that you just escaped from prison and you can't go back.  You tell him you love him and kiss his bubblegum lips.
You pull the pin on the lighter and set fire to your last bits of furniture.
"Goodbye, Hank," you say.
You and Hank embrace for one last time as the shack goes up in flames.
The shacks roof collapses and the snow puts out the fire.  Hank and the paleontologist look worried about you.
"I'm sorry," you say to them. "But I just can't be caged."
You walk off into the distance, leaving the shack and Hank behind you.
You walk off into the sunset and twist your ankle.
You pull out your gun and shoot yourself in the head.
"We spared no expense," the paleontologist says. 
The moral of the story is: Do drugs and kill people.