AIPD EP176 – 9/11/2020 – Story 1

You are Ronan Hatkinson, a newly-hired waiter. You insist on wearing a stylish rainbow-colored hat that weighs several pounds. You deliver a plate of chicken and fries to a customer with a mustache. The hat accidentally falls off your head and falls on the plate of food. While picking the hat up, you accidentally fling chicken and fries into the customer's mustache. You have a small nosebleed. The customer doesn't mind.
It turns out your blood tastes amazing. Soon all the customers are asking for your blood on their food. After some time, you have enough money to buy a house. You now find yourself in an amazing mansion, with a large amount of servants to wait on you hand and foot.
You become incredibly paranoid and you suspect the servants are stealing your blood while you sleep. You end up firing all of them and living a reclusive life.
You're alone at home, you think you hear someone break in. You don't have many options, so you decide to hide under your bed.
It's Gordon Ramsay, owner and chef of the restaurant you work at.  Gordon finds you and tells you that was worried sick about you. He says you've been missing for three days.
Worried sick? Wait a minute...
"How long have I been gone?"
"A week."
> You ask Gordon Ramsay to help you stop people from stealing your blood.
The first thing you need to do is call the police. So, you call the police.
The police arrest you for wasting their time. They throw you in jail. You have to come up with a new plan.
> You ask the Red Cross to bail you out. They agree, if you become their spokesman.
You agree, and become the new spokesman for the Red Cross. You're paid a generous amount of money.
You buy a huge mansion. Soon, you realize that you're too old to be starting over.
You are visited by a group of pale individuals.  They couldn't look more like vampires if they tried. It's the same group of vampires that you were visited by all those years ago.
They have come to remind you of your deal.
> You say "What was the deal again?"
You ask them to remind you of the deal. You've had so many deals in the past, that it is hard to keep track.
They say the deal was that you had to provide them with a thousand gallons of fresh blood, by midnight tonight.
This makes you panic a little. You agree to help them and set off to a hospital.
> You try to trick the vampires by giving them tomato juice.
You give them the tomato juice, and say it's blood. Vampires have no sense of taste, however, so they believe you.
They lick it up, and seem to enjoy it.
In the middle of them licking up all the tomato juice, you break out a holy whip called Vampire Killer. It's a powerful whip that can kill any creature that drinks blood.
You start cracking it and knocking the vampires off their feet. They begin to vacuum up the tomato juice, and soon perish.
Gordon pays you a visit in the hospital and is shocked to see all the dead vampires.
"You killed them all," he says, in shock.
"It was nothing," you say.
The next night, you go back to your old job.
> You store the dead vampires in Gordon's walk-in freezer, and the he accidentally starts serving vampire meat to the customers.
You store the dead vampires in the walk-in freezer.
One day, a customer orders the new "Vampire Sandwich". The customer finds it to be delicious, and tells all his friends.
> You ask Gordon "Do you have to be a virgin to become a vampire?"
You ask him if you have to be a virgin to become a vampire. He says no.