AIPD EP174 – 9/9/2020 – Story 3

You are Hondo, an Alaskan fishing guide. One day while taking a group of Fortune 500 executives fishing, you see one of them drop his wallet. You pick up the wallet and notice…

You were that man, and after a good day of fishing, you saw one of the other men in your party drop his wallet.
You return the wallet to Tony. While you are at it, you also mention that the lake froze solid last night and there is a steady skim of ice on it already this morning, so you advise him to consider going to a different lake if he wants to
Tony tells you, "Fuck you Hondo, I paid good money for this trip! Take me onto the lake!" He keeps drinking heavily into the day and by late morning gets up to go fish, falls flat on his face, vomits, curses you and your ancestors out in a slurred rant and then collapses into an alcoholic stup
> You watch as he is humped by a seal.
With only an icepick and a pocket knife to defend yourself with, you make no attempt to save him.
Tony wakes up and asks what happened. You tell him...
You were right by his side when it happened and he managed to run you over before falling through.
You watch as he too is humped by a seal.
After this traumatic event, Tony let's you lead the way for the rest of the trip.
You never see him again, though you often wonder if it was the loss of his wallet, or being humped by a seal that finally humbled him.
> You become friends with the humping seal, whom you name Pokey.
You become friends with the humping seal, whom you name Pokey.
You meet several times with him on the lake and he always makes a point to stop by and say hi.
> You feed him the leftover fish from the tours.
You feed him the leftover fish from the tours.
You become regular friends, though you begin to worry when he seems thinner each time you see him.
Pokey confesses to you that he has an eating disorder.
Pokey dies on the lake during one of your meetings.
You bury him at the lake.
> You see his seal girlfriend, Selkie, show up at the funeral.
You see his seal girlfriend, Selkie, show up at the funeral.
The two of you cry and hug each other.
> You say "Did you ever call Pokey fat?"
You say "Did you ever call Pokey fat?"
Selkie nods her head sadly and says "Sadly I did, and he cried about it for days. He never told me he was sensitive about his weight."
> You say "You blame Selkie for Pokey's death."
You blame Selkie for Pokey's death."
Selkie looks shocked.
"You blame me for Pokey's death?" she asks.
"Yes, you fat shaming bitch.
> You fold up an Alaskan flag and place it on Pokey's grave.  You begin the eulogy by saying...
"Fold up an Alaskan flag and place it on Pokey's grave. You begin the eulogy by saying...
"Mein Fuhrer... I can walk!"
"You blamed him for being a fat-shamer when he was the one who died of a heart attack, you self-centered cunt."
> You begin roasting Selkie during your eulogy. You tell her...
"Selkie, you were a bitch to Pokey and he fucking loved you for some damn reason. I can't even roast you because your skin is too thick from all the fish you eat."
"You're so full of shit, that when you crap, you create a logjam.
> You continue to insult her.
You continue to insult her.
You are thrown out of the funeral by her friends but you stand outside yelling insults at her as they lower Pokey into his grave.
"You're so full of shit, that when you crap, you create a logjam."
"You're so ugly, that when you breastfeed, the baby screams and media blames it on Beyoncé !!"
"You're so ugly that your dad beats the breaks off you!"
"To call you ugly would be an insult to things that are hideous. You're so ugly that you get a visit from the sex fairy and she gives you a dick! You're so ugly that when you wear green, the plants die. You're so ugly that when you do anal, your ass gets penetration anxiety."
"You're so ugly that you couldn't get laid in a room full of corpses!"
"You're so ugly that when you show up to a party with a tray of shots, everyone yells "BOO!"
"You're so ugly that on Halloween, you're a sausage fest."