AIPD EP171 – 9/6/2020 – Story 3

Posted under AIPD EP171 - 9/6/2020 - Story 3, Story On By Chief

You are Gar, a lazy Viking. You wait for the other Vikings to plunder and pillage ahead of you, then you go in and take the bounty without doing any of the work. One day, Blar, a fellow Viking, points out your laziness. Blar and his band of thirty men are tired of your incompetence and challenge you to a fight to the death. You get to choose the rules.
You have two top options:

1. Single combat with Blar.
2. A game involving throwing an animal brain

If you choose single combat with Blar, go to 2A.
If you choose the animal brain go to 2B.
You choose to play the animal brain throwing game.  You ask the Blar the rules and he tells you to stand at one end of a village with a bag of animal brains at the other end. You have to throw the brains at the houses and try and hit them as windows. Every house that you hit counts as a point. You have to do this before Blar reaches the village.
> You begin to throw brains at the windows!
You begin to throw the brains, and get three windows before Blar reaches you. He wrestles you to the ground, breaking your humerus and punching you in the face.
> You grab a leftover animal brain and smash it in Blar's face.
The brains fly into Blar's eyes and he falls. You land a punch on his throat, crushing it. The fight is over.
You check to see if Blar is dead. He is dead. You proclaim yourself the winner, and convince the village to join you in your next raid.
> You assemble a crew of men and set sail in a Viking war ship to raid the neighboring village.
You land and burn down the small village. The villagers are too intimidated by your brutality to offer any meaningful resistance. You grow in number and strength as the years go on.
> You announce that you want to raid the land of Minnesota.
You and your crew spend the next few weeks planning the assault. You choose a night with a new moon to make sure that you will have the advantage of stealth.
You raid the village but your opponents were aware that you were coming.  They are prepared for the attack and are dressed all in purple. They are lead by a fierce warrior who charges straight towards you.
You swing your sword but the man knocks it out of your hand and shoves his thumb into your eye.
> You sucker punch the warrior in the gut.
The warrior is pushed out of the way but another man in purple quickly takes his place. You knee him in the groin and knock him to the ground. Your eye socket throbs and you start to feel dizzy.
You recognize the warrior as famous actor... ___, and the man in charge as Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.
You feel a sharp pain in your back and know that it must be another one of the warriors. You fall to the ground.
The warrior asks you "Why did you come here?"
You think to yourself "I came here to kill Jesse Ventura"
But something stops you from saying it out loud.
> You say "I came here to kill Blesse Blentura."
The warrior slaps you and says "Do not make up lies!"
He forces you onto your knees and puts a knife to your throat. He says "Why did you come here?
> You say "Ok, I came here to kill Jesse Ventura!"
The warrior slaps you and says " Do not make up lies!
> You slap the warrior and make him guess why you came to Minnesota.
You decide to play the same game that he is playing with you. You slap him across the face and say "You tell me why you're really here.
> You say "You challenge Jesse Ventura to a game of animal brain throwing."
The warrior looks shocked. He says "How did you know?"
You say "Because I'm a great detective." You show the warrior your badge.
"This is great!" he says.
The warrior leaves and returns with Jesse Ventura. You hand Governor Ventura a bag of animal brains. He smiles and says "Nice, we are on the same team."
> You surprise him and stab him in the throat.
Jesse throws on the ground and starts to gargle on his own blood. You open your mouth to scream, but the warrior hits you the head with a rock. You fall to the ground and lose conciousness.
> You say "You wake up and see that you and Jesse Ventura are chained to a wall.  A lizardman enters and interrogates both of you."
The lizardman says "You should not have killed our leader."
"Why did you kill him?" he asks.
You look at the chains that are holding you in place.
> You say "Because I am Gar"
The lizardman hits you so hard in head that you wet your pants. The lizardman looks disgusted and says "That is not a real reason. Why did you kill our leader?"
> You say "BECAUSE I AM GAR"
The lizardman punches your face and breaks your nose. He asks you again "Why did you kill our leader?
You rips the chains off the wall and choke out the lizardman. You hear a sizzling sound behind you. You turn around to see Jesse Ventura on fire. A man with a purple mask puts out the fire with his hands.
The man pulls off his mask to reveal he is music superstar Prince. He points at you and says "You're coming with me."
You are escorted out of the room. You see a bunch of lizardmen in the hallway.