AIPD – 8/11/2010 – Story 2

Your name is Tony.  You are driving a couple miles to see your parents.  Your car starts to overheat and it breaks down on the side of the road. You go to the nearest gas station to call Triple A.
You have:

A cell phone with no signal.
Your mechanic calls you back and yells at you for letting the car overheat.
You get a ride to the gas station from a nice old lady.
She drives like a grandma.
You finally arrive at the gas station.
The gas station is called:
A Handy-Mart.
The clerk behind the counter says he's Robert Kardashian. He asks you if you would like a Handy. You look at him confused.
He shows you his selection of magazines:
Playboy, Penthouse, and Barely Legal.
You notice the clerk looks exactly like OJ Simpson.
> You say "Are you O.J. Simpson?"
"Damn, you're good. Most people can't tell us apart." He smiles.
> You give O.J. Simpson a high five.
He looks at you strangely.
You high five him, but he doesn't notice. You quickly pull your hand away when he looks at you.
> You say "Can you give me a ride to my parents' house?"
"Sure, get in." He gets in the car.
He backs up and starts to drive down the road.
You notice something coming from the back of his car. It's a little black and white dog.
You notice the dog has a severed human finger in it's mouth.
You get a little queasy.
The little dog drops the finger and looks at you innocently.
"Oh no!" O.J. Simpson yells as he looks in his rearview mirror.
> You say "O.J., you missed the freeway exit to my parents' house."
You notice he is speeding and he doesn't slow down. He takes the next off-ramp and gets back on the freeway going in the wrong direction.
"O.J., you're going the wrong way!"
Police helicopter follow you and many police cars try to pull over the new Ford Bronco O.J. is driving.  O.J. refuses to pull over and you drive on the freeway for over an hour.
"This is the end for O.J." the helicopter says overhead.
> You say "O.J., can you drop me off at the side of the road, please?"
"No problem," he says as he pulls over and you get out of the car.
"Thanks for the ride, O.J."
The police finally catch up with O.J.
The police ask you to negotiate with O.J. from a nearby pay phone.
You call him on the pay phone.
you give O.J. legal advice over the phone and tell him "Don't talk to the police, and definitely don't tell them about the finger."
O.J. Simpson gets charged with murder with a deadly weapon and is sentenced to ten years in jail.
You get a job as a lawyer and you're pretty happy with how everything turned out.
You go visit O.J. in jail.
"Hey, how'd you get in here?" O.J. asks.
> You say "I walked in through the front door.  Haaahaha"
You laugh and O.J. laughs with you.
> You say "O.J. I think I can get you out of here in 6 months.  Just tell me where the bodies are."
"Alright, there's one more in the back of my Bronco. I hid it under the back seat. It's a girl named Faye Drood. I killed her right after I got acquitted."
O.
> You shake your head at him in disappointment.
"I'm sorry I'm just screwing with you. I didn't kill anyone, I would never do something like that."
You look into his eyes and see he's telling the truth.
> You say "You got me good, Juice."
You laugh.
He laughs with you.
> You say "So seriously, Nicole?  Did you?"
"Yeah, I killed her. They said I'd get the chair, but I slicked my way out of it. Just like I did with this."
"What happened? Did you two have an argument?"
"No. She was a pain in the ass and I had it with her bitching so I killed her."
"Jesus O.J.
> You o.J. tells you "I think they have been putting drugs in the prison food."
"How do you know?"
"The guards are always coming in and out of my cell. Sometimes at night, they just stare at me for hours."
"That's fucked up.
> You say "Do you feel guilty for what you did? "
"I don't feel anything. That's the fucked up part. I know I did it, but I just don't feel it. "
"How can you not feel anything?
> You say "Do you know good mechanic?"
"Not really, why?"
"Some one broke into my car and stole it. I want to find out who did it."
"Don't police investigate these things?
> You say "How's your relationship with your mother?"
"We haven't been close since I got divorced. I mean, she came to the trial everyday but she didn't want to talk about it ever again."
"How's your relationship with your father?
"He died when I was nine. I barely remember him."
"That's too bad. Do you think your mother killed him?"
"Why would she do that?"
"No reason, just asking."
> You say "How do you like prison? "
"I hate it. The guards here are assholes, the food sucks and there's nothing to do.
> You say "Has your butthole been violated? "
"No, why would you ask that?"
"I heard prison is like high school. They could be teasing you about your age.
> You pull out a tape recorder and say "You're busted juice.  I'm a lawyer now and I've just recorded your confession.  I'm going to be a famous trial lawyer and my parents will be so proud."
"What the fuck, man? Is this some kind of joke?"
"Yeah, it's a joke. I wouldn't really use a tape recorder. I don't know how to work one anyway."
O.
Warden Ramsey bursts in and announces they have secretly videotaped the entire interview. O.J. will die in prison.