AIG Family Matters Ep 3 – Steve Urkel has just made a device that let’s animals speak in English

EXT. CHICAGO AREA PARK


Steve Urkel has just made a device that let's animals speak in English.  Steve points the device at a pug.

URKEL
Testing... hey you pug, can you speak for me?
PUG

Urkel! I'm gonna get you for this!
Steve is surprised and pleased by this reaction.  The pug runs away.
URKEL
I don't know what to do now.

Urkel is perplexed by what the Pug could possibly know about him.  Urkel tracks the Pug down to his owners home and attempts to figure the mystery out.

URKEL
Hey Pug, what did you mean earlier?  What do you know about me?

PUG'S FATHER
You're an alien from outer space. You came here on a spaceship. You killed my dog.
URKEL
Oh no! That's not true.

Urkel realizes that these Pugs have mistaken him for someone else.

URKEL
It wasn't me who killed your dog. It was my friend. He wanted to see if he could talk to animals.
The father is confused by the conversation but agrees to let Urkel stay with them until they can find another home for their dog.

Urkel attempts to talk with other animals in the neighborhood.

URKEL
Hello there squirrel. How are you today?
SCREECH
Urkel! Leave me alone!
URKEL
Sorry. I didn't know it was you.

Urkel mistakenly thought that Screech from SAVED BY THE BELL was a squirrel.

URKEL
Screech, what brings you to Chicago?

SCREECH
I got kicked out of my school.
URKEL
Why?
SCREECH
I stole a cookie from the lunch lady.
URKEL
You should never steal food.

Urkel and Screech team up to help the family of Pugs find this mysterious alien that killed their dog son.

***
Steve Urkel sits in his room, looking at himself in the mirror. He wears a white t-shirt and jeans, and is holding a pair of shoes.
STEVE
(softly)
Hurry up, you idiot.
 Hurry up!
He hears a knock on the door. Steve opens it to reveal a man with a clipboard.
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Good morning, Mr. Urkel.

Urkel clearly sees that this man with a clipboard is an alien in a trench coat pretending to be human.  Urkel plays along.

URKEL
Hi.
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Your parents asked me to come over and give you some money.
URKEL
Money?
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Yes.
 They're worried about you.
URKEL
They are?
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Yes. You haven't been home in three days.
URKEL
I've been working hard.

MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
They're afraid you might run away.
Urkel is annoyed.
URKEL
What do you want?
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Well, I need to take you into custody.

Before Urkel can react, the man with a clipboard places him in handcuffs and beams him aboard his alien spaceship.

***
The ship takes off and flies toward Urkel's home planet.
We see a view of Urkel's home planet from the ship's window. We see a beautiful city, filled with people living together in harmony.

MAN WITH CLIPBOARD is playing by special celebrity guest star:

​ Christopher Lloyd
.


CHRISTOPHER LYELL
(smiling)
And now we'll introduce our next contestant. Steve Urkel!
There's a cut to the audience. A woman is sitting in the audience.

Steve realizes he is on an alien game show where the objective of the game is:
 "Get as many people as possible to laugh at you."
He tries to smile but can't. He stands nervously.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GET READY TO LAUGH!

Steve attempts to tell the audience all about his new ability to talk to animals and that he and Screech are trying to find the aliens that killed their dog friend.

He tells the audience about the dog named Fluffy.
Steve explains how the aliens used a device to talk to Fluffy and then killed him.
Steve tells the audience about his own dog, Max.

Steve tells an embarrassing story about his dog Max:

STEVE
Max would try to sneak up behind me and lick my face.
A closeup of Steve's face. His eyes widen with horror as he realizes that the dog is licking his face.

Max, Steve's dog that he thought was long dead, appears before Steve and licks his face.  Steve is amazed.

STEVE
Oh my God! Max! You're alive?
MAX
I'm sorry. I had to come back.
STEVE
You did?! But... how?
MAX
(barking)
That's what I wanna know!

The audience laughs as Steve talks to a dog like it's human.

STEVE
Hey buddy.
MAX
You're not my buddy.
STEVE
How can I make you understand?
MAX
I don't want to understand. I just want to lick your face again.

Then as Max licks Steve's face again, Max transforms into ​Christopher Lloyd - the host of the alien show.  The audience roars in gut bursting laughter.

​CHRISTOPHER
Urkel I can't believe you fell for the oldest alien trick in the book!

STEVE
But it worked! It really worked!
CHRISTOPHER
I know. That's why they call it a "trick."
STEVE
(crying)
No!

Steve uses his watch to hack the alien show and take over.
 He orders Screech to return to Earth and release him from his cuffs.
***
Back on Earth, Steve is in a park with Screech.
STEVE
So you got home okay?

SCREECH
Yeah. Thanks for letting me stay here.
STEVE
I wasn't going to let you go anywhere.
Screech smiles.
SCREECH
I think you were just scared of being alone.

Urkel realizes he has feeling for Screech and leans in for a kiss.

STEVE
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
SCREECH
I know. It's okay.
STEVE
(beat)
You're right.

Screech looks at him.
STEVE
It's weird. I feel like I've been asleep for a while and now I'm awake.
SCREECH
Me too.

Steve tells Screech his true feelings:

STEVE
I've always loved you.
SCREECH
I love you too.
They hug.
SCREECH
You're my best friend.
STEVE
You're my best friend.