AI Generated Red Letter Media

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Mike Stoklasa, founder of Red Letter Media.  You are doing a Best of the Worst episode and on the wheel are the following terrible VHS tapes:
 1) The Big Bird Movie; 2) The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea (also known as "The Curse of Anchor Bay"); 3) Escape from New York;
 4) Biker Mice From Mars; 5) The Wizard of Oz XXXII: Dorothy Meets Ozzy Osbourne. 

You watch "The Wizard of Oz XXXII: Dorothy Meets Ozzy Osbourne".  You give a synopsis of the movie:
 This is pretty much what you would expect it to be - except that in this version Dorothy doesn't get hit by a truck... she just gets really fucked up when Ozzy Osbourne eats her pussy and then smashes into the Scarecrow at high speed.


You spin the wheel of the worst and land on your next movie:
 1) Necronomicon; 2) Nightmare Castle; 3) Bloodsucking Freaks; 4) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Part II: The Next Generation; 5) Deathstalker IV: Ground Zero.


You land on "Nightmare Castle" and you read the back of the VHS box:
 It's time for another horror classic! As he did with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, director David Hartman has assembled an all-star cast to reinterpret Edgar Allan Poe's famous short story The Masque of the Red Death.


You are shocked by the celebrity cameo from
 one of your favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt.
Oswalt is playing Lord Harkenford in "Nightmare Castle," and the way the credits are listed in order of appearance makes it seem like they're supposed to go top down, bottom up, left side of the screen first

—but Oswalt goes right above the title card for "Patton Oswalt." In fact, he only appears for less than ten seconds before we cut to his close up, which looks like this:
And now Oswalt does what he always does best.
 He stares directly at the camera for a moment, shakes his head, then laughs. A full minute passes and there is no further movement or sound. You look around, hoping someone else noticed it was a joke so you don't have to call him out on it.

The movie is pretty boring until the end when
 everybody turns into pumpkins.
But after watching more than twenty movies, you've gotten used to this stuff. What really bothers you about Nightmare Castle is that, despite its ridiculous premise, it is actually better than most of the movies that followed it.


You spin the wheel one last time and land on the movie:
 1) The Howling: Rebirth of the Wolf Man; 2) Slithis; 3) I Spit on Your Grave III; 4) Deadly Game; 5) Dying Breed.


You watch "Slithis" and are shocked to find out this is not a horror movie, but a
 comedy.
In case you didn't know, a slitheen is an alien species of parasitic worm that sucks blood from people and plants. It is also the name of a type of creature in the Doctor Who television series.


The "Slithis" delivers a lot of hilarious one-liners, such as:
 "I am the Master Slithi!" And: "There's some bad guys out here! They want my planet."



After watching "Slithis," you feel like something is missing. So you pull out the tape labeled "Dying Breed" and start it.
***
A group of friends decide to take their dog to a new country club that has been recently built.
 One person says: "We could be members of this club." But another friend says: "That will never happen, because our family has been a member of this club forever."
Your eyes open wide and you scream.

The movie is the most mundane piece of crap you have seen in a long time, possibly ever.
 After seeing how awful it is, you realize it can't even hold a candle to any of the other horrible movies you have watched.
You throw the tape off the table and spin the wheel again
:
 1) The Toxic Avenger; 2) Seduction of the Condominium; 3) Faces of Death; 4) House of Psychotic Women; 5) Dracula vs.

 Frankenstein.
You choose "
Seduction of the Condominium" and start the tape.

 The movie opens with a guy named Larry running through a construction site wearing nothing but a towel and a hard hat.
Larry finds himself lost in an enormous maze of steel beams, concrete blocks, electrical wiring and crisscrossing pipes.

Larry bumps into the Foreman of the construction sites, but it is actually a beautiful woman!
 She invites Larry to follow her and leads him to a private room where he can clean up and put on some clothes.
Then she begins seducing him.
The scene lasts for more than thirty minutes.

The seduction ends when a steel beam falls on a guy.

Your jaw drops as the girl stands up, grabs Larry, and says: "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." Then she picks up a crowbar, runs towards the fallen steel beam, and breaks it in two.

Larry immediately feels emasculated and you see a montage of Larry attempting to be manly, but his Boss being more manly.
 Finally, Larry becomes a victim of "frankensteinization"—having his brain removed from his skull and replaced with a large metal hook.
It is now time for the final act. Larry escapes his prison and returns home to tell his wife he is still alive and that she should continue to live happily

.  Larry leaves his wife and tries to run away with his Boss, but she
 uses a giant drill bit to cut off Larry's hand.
They both go into hiding together until they are cornered in a bar.
The police arrive and begin shooting at them. The bullets bounce harmlessly off Larry, and soon the cops are forced to retreat.

Larry is all over the news and becomes famous overnight with people trying to shoot him and the bullets bouncing right off of him.

This is definitely the most bizarre and disgusting thing you have ever witnessed on film.
You push the stop button and let out a deep sigh.
As you lie there catching your breath, you look at the DVD player and see the light is blinking red.
 There is no way you can possibly watch anything else.
You pick up the movie marked "House of Psychotic Women" and press play.
You are very excited to see this movie, especially since you heard it was directed by John Waters.

The movie begins with a voiceover introduction about a small town that is filled with women who have gone insane.
The movie quickly switches to a hospital ward, where we meet several of these women.

One of them is played by the actress Barbara Crampton—who you know from her role in the classic movie From Beyond.
Another character is portrayed by an actor named Richard Grainer, who appeared in many weird movies including Tales from the Crypt.

The "Psychotic Women" overtake the hospital and start making demands:

1) Every single person must come with us.
2) We demand that all men get circumcised.
3) Anyone who has had sex with a woman must kill themselves.
4) All dogs should be destroyed.


The hospital does not negotiate and the women begin their rampage on the town.  First stop:
 the local pet shop.
When the women enter the store, the animals try to attack them. However, the women easily dodge the attacks and start beating up the owners.
The women move on to the next place on their list: the local funeral parlor.


Inside the parlor, the women strip the dead bodies of their clothes. The corpses then sit up and eat dinner together.
The women then force the mortician to dig a grave for each corpse.
 After finishing this task, the women toss all of the dirt back into the hole and use it to cover up the graveyard.
Now satisfied, the women leave the city and move on to the next location
: Washington DC
.

Upon reaching the nation's capital, the women cause panic and chaos everywhere they go. They invade the White House and tie up everyone inside.
The President and his cabinet attempt to escape out a window on the north side of the building—only to discover that it is barred.

The Psycho Women have control over the capitol and enact the following laws:

1) No one can wear underwear.
2) Any man caught having sex with a woman will be killed on sight.
3) A tax will be placed on any animal that lives in the United States of America.


The citizens of the country unite and overthrow the crazy woman in a giant mud wrestling fight.

In the final moments of the movie, the women return to the hospital, where the narrator explains how the entire experience was probably nothing more than a dream.