You are Oprah Winfrey and you are doing a show dedicated to helping folks with their weight. You have invited all the biggest stars in Hollywood, but they won't come unless you help them lose some weight first. They want you to tell everyone that it's okay for people to be overweight because God made us that way. > You have your first guest is famous overweight actor John Travolta. He comes on stage and says "I'm not fat! I've just got more love to give!" He then begins dancing around the room like an idiot while singing about how he loves himself so much. > You tell John Travolta that the first step to weight loss is admitting you have a problem. "John," you say as calmly as possible, "you're fat." Travolta stops his dance and looks at you blankly. Then he starts crying. It seems like the whole audience has tears streaming down their faces too. > You give John a weight watcher book with point values for all of his favorite foods highlighted. The next day when you go into work, there's a big sign hanging over your desk: "Congratulations, Oprah! We Love You Even More Now That Your Fat Friend Loves Himself Too!" Everyone else is congratulating you too. Two weeks pass and you make a surprise visit to John Travolta's house to see how his weight loss journey is going. The door opens and out walks John Travolta. His face is now completely smooth -- no more wrinkles or pimples. But what's most amazing is that he isn't even wearing pants. You have John Travolta step on the scale to see how weight he has gained or lost: Weight Gained/Lost: -20 pounds *** This dream is gone forever. It was such a nice dream though... What will happen if John Travolta keeps losing weight? You look bad because you have gained weight and you need to sabotage John Travolta's diet. You have Stedmond inject lard into John's oatmeal and fruit. Stedmond gives John Travolta a syringe filled with pure lard. He tells him that this is his secret weapon against obesity. John takes the needle and sticks it in his apple. A few days later, John Travolta calls you up and asks to meet you. When you get to the meeting place, John is waiting outside. But instead of being dressed normally, he's wearing a full-body rubber suit. You chuckle to yourself when you see that John Travolta has gained 127 lbs. John Travolta says "Well, aren't you gonna congratulate me?" "No, actually," you reply. "Your success makes my failure all the more apparent." John Travolta glares at you angrily. You and John Travolta have a food fight. You throw eggs, bacon, pancakes, and other heavy items at each other until John Travolta collapses from exhaustion. You have John Travolta eat a bunch of cookies and sit back to watch the show. You bring on your next guest: Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons comes out onto the stage and immediately begins exercising. He does jumping jacks, pushups, squats, crunches, lunges, and many other exercises. Every time he finishes one exercise, the crowd goes wild. Richard tries to get you out of your seat to join him, but the act of standing up makes you winded. After a few minutes, Richard gets tired of trying to convince you to do the workout with him. He decides that he'll just keep doing the same routine over and over again until you stop resisting. You trick Richard Simmons into gaining weight. When you arrive home after work, you find that Richard Simmons has been living with you rent free for the past three months. Now that Richard is fat, he can't fit through any doors anymore. Your plan is working and numbers are skyrocketing for the Oprah Show as well as the average weight of people in America. Eventually, you decide that it might be a good idea to start getting some exercise. So you buy a treadmill and begin walking every morning before work. After a week, you notice that you feel better than ever. You sprain your ankle and never use your treadmill again. You have Richard Simmons walk around the studio naked. People love seeing Richard Simmons' body and they cheer him on. Richard stops halfway across the studio and turns around. He stares directly at you. Richard is hell bent on getting you to lose weight. If you don't, he plans on exposing you as a hypocrite and ruining your career. Richard Simmons is now very thin and has taken to wearing only black clothes. He has also started talking in a monotone voice. You fell terrible that you have broken Richard Simmons vibrant bubbly personality by your weight gaining buffoonery. You have Richard Simmons go on a hunger strike. Richard Simmons refuses to eat anything except for water. As soon as you leave the studio, Richard breaks his fast. In order to save yourself, you have Richard Simmons force feed you. Richard is shocked by your insatiable appetite. You have Richard Simmons put you on a strict diet. Every day you have Richard Simmons weigh you and measure you. One day, you wake up and realize that you haven't eaten in two weeks. You are tempted by a plate of your favorite food: chocolate cake. Suddenly, you hear a loud crash. You turn around and see that Richard Simmons has fallen off the treadmill and is lying motionless on the floor. You rush over to check on him. You realize that you were 100 lbs over the weight limit for the treadmill and that your recent usage of it had made it unsafe. You take full responsibility for crippling Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons slowly lifts his head and looks at you. He smiles weakly, then falls asleep. You have Richard Simmons give you a massage. Richard Simmons massages your shoulders, neck, arms, and legs. The Doctor arrives and determines that Richard has indeed suffered some brain trauma. The doctor informs you that he has no choice but to commit you to a mental institution. The next thing you know, you're sitting in a padded cell inside a hospital ward. There is a man chained to the wall in front of you. It is famous Hollywood actor Robert De Niro. Robert De Niro looks at you and says "Hey, remember me?" "Of course," you reply. "We went to high school together. Remember those parties we used to hold in the gymnasium?" You and Robert continue trading stories back and forth all night long. You ask Robert, "What are you here for?" "Oh, I'm in jail," he replies. You gasp in shock. "Why? What did you do?" "Nothing really," he says. "They just locked me up because I was acting crazy." You ask again, "No really, what did you do...?" Robert shakes his head. "I don't know. All I remember is that I saw a rat and it scared the crap out of me. And then the next thing I knew, they were dragging me away."