You are on the new season of The Bachelor, 10 girls are competing for opportunity to marry you. Some details about your life: You live in a small house with your mom, you have no siblings but your mother has a daughter. Your father died years ago in a tragic boating accident and your mother is very close to him. And introducing the 10 ladies: A tall blonde from California named Heather (a realtor); an athletic young woman who looks like a cheerleader named Katie (who is actually an accountant); A redheaded girl with glasses and big brown eyes named Jessica (a lawyer) The last three girls are all brunettes. The last 4 girls walked off the set when they heard about your story. The producers have been forced to replace them at great expense and are hoping for a new batch of women in the next season. A producer approaches: "We need some footage on you alone," says he, "so that we can make up some sort of backstory." You reluctantly agree, but you're worried that this will make your story more dramatic -- which could be bad for ratings. The producer is a bit pushy, however -- so maybe it's good for your show. The producer has come up with the following new exciting and dramatic back story for you: "He grew up with no friends in a very poor neighborhood and was teased mercilessly about being ugly by the kids in school, until one day he found a strange book in his local library. This mysterious book had been written by someone claiming to have traveled through time and space! The author wrote of all sorts of wonderful things -- like the secret of how to get beautiful women!" The author even went on to claim that he could teach people these things, and this would help them win the hearts of women! The name of the book: "The Book Of Beauty And Love" You think for a second, then say, "Sounds good." The producer is happy and goes away. You're not so sure about some part though... The show is back on track and you are going on your first date with one of the contestants. You're excited! But as you leave for your date you can't stop thinking about this strange book. You decide to check out this library -- it could have the book in it! It's just a short drive down to New Jersey, so no problem there... Your date thinks going to a library is a cute idea and tags along. You arrive at the library and begin to read the book. It turns out that there are several chapters devoted just to you -- with instructions for becoming more attractive. The author goes into detail on how you should dress yourself and what your hairstyle should be. You get a sudden makeover! The producer had told you not only would it look great on TV, but he also said this could make you even more popular with girls in general -- which could help your dating prospects as well! You have a date tonight, and you're going out with Katie from accounting (a very athletic young woman). She wants to show off how smart she is by taking you to some museum that is full of art. But she actually takes you to see her own work at the local art gallery. Her artwork isn't very good at all, and it's just not your cup of tea -- but Katie insists it will make her feel like an "artistic genius". You are shocked at Katie's art! It is all pictures of flowers! The flowers have been drawn in the style of impressionist paintings -- with thick brush strokes and a bright yellow palette. You're glad you've already had your coffee this morning because it's going to take you hours to get over this. You confess to Katie your tragic past with flowers: "I used to love flowers, I used to go pick them from fields when I was younger. My father died, so my mother took over caring for me and my brother, she couldn't really afford flowers -- but I would still beg her for a few bouquets of the most expensive ones she could find! But one day when we came back home there were no more expensive bouquets... just some old roses left behind by some neighbors..." You tell her about your father's tragic death in a boating accident, which you blame yourself for: "My brother blamed me for the bo ating accident. I tried to explain how it was my fault -- that I was too busy trying to impress a girl and I didn't look up until it was too late -- but he didn't listen. Katie walks off the show. The producers say that this isn't good news for ratings and they are looking into new contestants. But you're still going out with Heather, your accountant date from earlier in the day... She's really pretty and seems very sweet... Heather takes you to an upscale restaurant in New Jersey called "The French Quarter" It is full of rich people who have no interest at all in your sad backstory. You are happy to sit there and eat delicious food, while she pretends that her life has always been a fairy tale. The date is going well until Heather says, " It would be great if I could get a job like yours someday!" She asks you for help getting her resume into shape -- so you can write something up for her! You're excited to be helping someone who's actually interested in helping others as well! Then it hits you: Heather is unemployed and cannot pay for this meal. You cannot pay for this meal. It would be really nice if she paid for dinner, but she doesn't seem like the kind of girl that would offer to do that... You are sitting at a bar on the boardwalk with Jessica and Katie from accounting (the accountant). You decide to disguise this dine and dash experience as a part of the show. You tell the girls that first girl to make it to the end of the boardwalk wins! You all begin a full on sprint out of the restaurant. The other girls try hard -- but Jessica's legs just won't stop! The producers say that you are not allowed to have any more dates until you find your perfect love match -- which means that there is no need for Heather or Jessica anymore, since neither one will be getting a rose in tonight's rose ceremony. But Heather and Jessica are upset by this news, as they were really excited about going on dates. You tell them not to worry though: They can stay with the show if they help make sure the next episode gets good ratings. You give Katie the rose and Heather and Jessica make it extra interesting by trying to run out of your room in their underpants -- you have a hard time convincing them that this would not look good on TV, so they end up staying in the house... Your date tonight is with Katie (a redhead) and her mother has come to see you. You meet Katie's Mom: She's really nice! She asks what you are studying, and then asks about your background too -- but she doesn't pry or make it seem like there is some kind of secret agenda to know everything about you. You fall in love with Katie's mom. You tell her, "I would do anything for you if I had a daughter!" "Well I have a daughter," she replies with a warm smile... "and I think she might be interested in meeting her new stepfather!" In a shocking turn of events, you get married at the court house and become Katie's new stepfather. She tells her mom about how wonderful it all turned out -- which leads to your mother being very upset and saying things that hurt you both. Your mom is still very much alive and kicking, but now she seems like an enemy of happiness instead! You realize your life has become full of drama. You're happy though -- because now Katie 's mom is your wife. You are on The Bachelorette, a show where 10 women vie for one man's attention and love... It turns out the other 9 women all hate you -- which is a shame, because it was so nice being the only man around! You're not sure what happened -- they all seemed to be friends just a day ago. They even said that they were happy to be competing together for you! Now suddenly you feel like the bad guy here. You have a post show reunion and all the girls get their chance to tell you everything that is wrong about you: "Your story is so sad, I can't believe this is how we're spending our time on this date!" "Your past makes it so clear that no one else will love you, why would anyone want to?" "It just isn't fair that some men have had all the advantages." You try to explain yourself -- but it seems like your only option now is a public apology. The producers are not happy about your decision -- they insist that if there's going to be drama you should do something really big and dramatic ! You lie and tell everyone that Katie's mom is pregnant with triplets. You get an invitation in the mail: "Dear Stephanie," reads the letter, "It has come to my attention recently that I may not be as attractive or as successful in love as my friends have been, so I'm taking a few lessons at this exclusive academy for men." The producer tells you that you need to plug this exclusive academy for men called The School of Attraction and he wants to see you wearing one of those funny little caps and a suit! He insists this is what's going to get you laid tonight. "But I can't just show up there," you insist. You show up and find that you are supposed to give a speech before the grand opening of "The School of Attraction". You panic and blurt out, " This school is a scam! It doesn't really work!" The audience laughs at your expense... You try again: "It doesn't make me feel good about myself." "You need to go back to school!" The production company attempts to sue you into oblivion. But they have no evidence because everything was done under an assumed name! The producers say they'll get even for this humiliation. They tell the network that you're a fraud and that they should stop airing this show. A production sniper shoots you. "You are not allowed back on any of our shows until you have proven your innocence," says a producer from another show. You are not sure what "innocence" means -- so the other producer explains that you will be required to prove yourself innocent by doing a series of tasks in front of cameras... The task list reads like some weird form of public punishment. You have to do: 1) A live sex performance for an all male audience at the Playboy Mansion 2) Get drunk and sing karaoke with Paris Hilton 3) Be locked inside a giant hamster wheel and try not to fall in 4) Have sex with an ugly man on national TV! The producer says, "You are going to have to prove yourself innocent somehow -- you're just too much of a risk otherwise." You agree, but your public image is destroyed. You are no longer considered "attractive" by any measure. You can't get laid because you're considered "too weird" or whatever the case may be... And now you've been fired from your job as well! But at least you are free! The world seems like such a better place now... Your life is in tatters, and there seems to be nowhere left to go but up... Your only option seems to be going back to work at a dead end job, but this is just unacceptable for someone like yourself -- so instead of getting back in the rat race with your tail between your legs, you take a stand: "I have been wronged by society!" you proclaim. You tell them that you will not work for them ever again -- and they fire you on the spot.