Achilles, CEO of the largest sour dough starter company in the world

Posted under Episode 89, Story On By Chief

You are trying to set the world record for largest sour dough loaf ever baked. Also, you want to find love.

You have a problem though: the city is full of people who hate your guts and will stop at nothing to get rid of you. The only thing that might help you is the fact that you don't live too far from the headquarters of your competitor, which would make it easier for them to harass you if they wanted to.

You go to the city hall council meeting and ask for a restraining order against the whole town and your competitors.

Unfortunately, your request is denied. A few days later you receive an ominous letter from your rival.

You read the letter.

It's signed by... "Hello Mr. Achilles, I'm sure you know that I've been following your every move since we first met years ago. (Sigh) Well, it seems like things haven't changed much, so let me try to explain why I feel this way".

You crumple up the letter. You know it is from your arch nemesis and rival sourdough starter CEO, Mr Sun.

He knows what you think about him, but he feels no need to say anything. It's obvious he has already made his mind up on how he wants to handle things. "I believe that my company should be allowed to expand into your town. We could use some of your citizens as test subjects. Then, when our product was ready, we could sell them to other cities".

You plant a bomb inside the rival sourdough starter factory. You blow that shit sky high.

The next day, you receive another letter. This one is from your sweetheart. She says she loves you and begs you not to destroy the sourdough industry. You decide to take her advice. You send a message back saying that you're sorry, but you'll continue with your plans to conquer the world.

!When you get to work the next day, realize that by blowing up your rival's sour-dough factory, the heat caused a massive loaf of sour dough to form and now the townspeople are eating it!

Your plan worked perfectly. Your business grew exponentially and soon you had more money than your parents did. You were successful. Then came the time where you decided to start taking care of your family. You bought a house in the suburbs and got married. You even had children of your own. Unfortunately, your marriage wasn't going well and eventually you divorced.

You are too sad to complete your dream of taking over the world. You need some "me" time.

So, you buy an island off the coast of Florida. You name it after yourself. You call it "Achilles Island". You spend all your time there, playing video games and having fun. Eventually, you have a son named Peter. He also has a passion for video games. One day, you see him playing a game called "Super Mario Brothers".

You turn the island into a lifesize replica of the world from Super Mario Brothers to make your son happy.

In time, your son grows up and marries a woman named Linda. You never knew your wife before, but you know she must be very beautiful because your son always speaks highly of her. After a while, you begin to wonder if you really deserve to rule the world. Maybe you should just retire.

You try to rule the world just a little bit to see if you like it.

You do however keep the island.

You kidnap Linda and put her in the castle, tell your son to save her and that it'll be a fun bonding experience... again!

> You rule the World Again You rule the world again. And this time, you can finally relax. You can play all night long and sleep all day. You can eat whatever you want whenever you want. Life is good. However, something strange happens during your reign. People start getting sick. Sickness spreads faster than ever before.

You realize there is something wrong with the sourdough rations you have been force-feeding your people. Come clean to your subjects that you messed up, real bad, and say "I'm sorry, guys!".

Most of them accept your apology. But some don't. They blame you and claim that you ruined their lives. They demand that you step down immediately. You protest your innocence, but these people aren't buying it. You lose. You resign from office. Somehow, you manage to survive. In fact, you thrive. You become even more powerful than before.

You drill a hole into the center of the earth and inject sourdough starter into it's hot core. The sourdough starter begins to grow exponentially causing massive earthquakes around the globe.

One day, you wake up. You look at the world through a set of binoculars. There are several large earthquakes. Most are centered near the North Pole. You wonder if you shouldn't get rid of the sourdough starter.

Santa Claus pays you a visit and tells you that you've been very naughty. Santa gives you a piece of coal, which you use to pay a tiny loaf of sourdough bread that you give to Santa. Unfortunately for Santa, it is tainted and he becomes deathly ill.

After Santa dies, you find out that you've been poisoned. A mysterious man who goes by the name of Dr. Frankenstien arrives at the island. He explains that he found a cure for your sickness. He hands you a small bottle containing a liquid that will cure your illness. He warns you that if you drink it, you'll die.

You drink it.

You feel great. You live happily ever after. This story is fictional. It doesn't reflect reality.

yes it does

. > You continue to Rule the World You return to your home on the island. You have survived another year of ruling the world. You have a son named Peter. He is a little spoiled and thinks his dad is the greatest ruler the world has ever known. He takes after his mom. He wants to take over the world. His father is dead.

Or so he thinks! You pay Peter a surprise visit and his face goes white. "Hey Dad, I thought your were dead!" he says.

"No, Peter, my Mom died". "But you said you heard me talk about you on TV last year!" "Yeah, but I didn't believe you. She was a drunk who left the room when she couldn't handle the stress of running the household anymore". "Okay, what happened?" "Well, I went back to the hotel room and looked for her".

You tell him "Son, I want you to take over the world when i'm gone.".

> You let Peter Take Over Peter is disappointed. "Dad, I think I could run things better than you. I mean I would have more power, right? I'd be able to fix everything!".

Peter starts strangling you. You are so proud.

You kill him. It turns out that Peter wasn't lying about being able to run things better than you. He took control of your company and ran it into the ground. He had no idea how much power he actually had. He tried to convince everyone that he was in charge, but they weren't buying it. He was forced to leave the country.

You look at the load of sourdough on your kitchen counter and reflect on your life.

The next day, you walk into the living room where you notice that the house is empty. No one is here. You go upstairs and check the basement. There is nothing in there either. You go downstairs and check the garage. Nothing. Finally you check the pool room. There is still a few pieces of furniture in there, but there is no sign of anything.

You use the sourdough starter on Peter to bring him back to life. You bake him at 375 degrees and he comes out half human, half sourdough.

He is happy. And then you decide to do something different. You decide to create an army of children to fight against evil everywhere. Your new creation are called the Children of Men. They are born without parents or families. They were created as soldiers for the war against evil. When the Children of Men are not fighting evil, they are playing games.

You write a new constitution for the world.

You make sure that every child is taught how to read and write and play a musical instrument. As time passes, you begin to see signs of trouble. The Children of Men are getting old. Their bodies are failing and they can no longer perform the tasks that once made them strong. Soon, most of them die of natural causes.

You tell Peter to bring you a new wife that you can love. Thanks.

> You continue to rule the world You send Peter away. You are tired of ruling the world. You retire to your private quarters. You lie down on your bed and close your eyes. Suddenly, you hear a loud noise outside. You open your eyes and see that someone just crashed their car through your window. A young woman wearing a red dress runs inside.

You wine and dine her and propose on the spot.

She accepts. She marries you. A NEW ERA OF RULE IS AT HAND...

You try to make new baby with sex.

You have many children. A NEW ERA OF RULE HAS COME TO AN END...